Concerns About Your Marriage

Concerns About Your MarriageBy Mike & Charlotte MazzeiOne doesn't need to be thinking about separation or divorce to have concerns about their marriage. We just need to know that our marriage is not everything that we expected it to be.

In our marriage, we had dreams about white picket fences, children, pets and passionate love. When we first met everything was headed in that direction. We were perfectly suited for each other and couldn't imagine spending our lives with anyone else. It was the fairy tale come true. This was the first stage, the Romance Stage of our relationship.

After the romance started to wear off we both started to notice little things about each other that were a little annoying. None of these issues were earth shattering but were just bothersome enough to take the shine off that wonderful romantic spell we were under. This was the second stage, the Disillusionment Stage of our relationship.

Very soon life-threatening disease became an issue. Charlotte had 5 major surgeries in 6 years. Under the strain of dealing with the surrounding issues we both retreated into ourselves. We began to focus more on self-preservation and how to get by each day. Finances, child rearing and lack of lovemaking became issues that divided us and gave us fuel for angry and frequent arguments. We had quickly moved into the third or Misery Stage of our relationship. Although we never said the "D" word, divorce, each of us had privately thought about it.

We tried marriage counseling with open minds and hearts for a full year. When marriage counseling didn't fix our problems we retreated into a cold, distant relationship that is known as the "married singles lifestyle." We were still married and living together but we might as well have been roommates.

Sometime later Charlotte found a little brochure for a program called Retrouvaille (pronounced Reh-tro-vi with a long "i") in a dark corner in the back of our church. The folks at Retrouvaille said they could help any marriage where both partners were committed to making it work. They said it didn't matter if we were in the Disillusionment Stage or the Misery Stage. Couples who had been in greater depths of misery than we were in had worked the program and found a fourth Stage of their relationship. This fourth Stage Retrouvaille calls the Awakening Stage.

We agreed to give Retrouvaille a try. That was in March of 1992. Our daughter was 8 years old and our son was only 5. Thanks to the guidance and love of the Retrouvaille volunteers we are still going strong 13 years later.

Retrouvaille taught us "how" to talk to each other in a way that was safe and respectful. They taught us that every marriage has conflicts. We learned that the true measure of a successful marriage is not whether or not we have conflicts but rather how we deal with them. We learned a very specific process of how to handle conflict that helped us feel more like teammates working towards a positive outcome than like two enemies each trying to defeat the other. We learned the importance of Trust, Forgiveness, Intimacy and Prayer in our relationship. The Retrouvaille program gave us all we had hoped for and so much more. For confidential information go to www.HelpOurMarriage.com or call Willie & Aleth @ (02) 800-5902 or Fr. Soc Mesiona (02) 524-2977