Wanted: Good son back

Dear Mommytalk,

I am 26 years old and a single mother. My son is turning seven this October and he’s in Grade 1 now. My dilemma started when the school year began. I am a single mom and have to work most of the time because we haven’t been receiving support from my son’s father since the time I conceived him. By God’s grace, we have managed until now.

What bothers me is that last week, my son cut his Filipino class and didn’t finish his exam because he played in the playground and forgot about his exam. I tried to be calm and talked to him like an adult. Yesterday, when I called him up from work, he told me that he had a fight with his classmate because the latter won’t give him spaghetti. They fought and he had scratches on his arms. They were sent to the grade school head teacher and he said that his teacher wanted to talk to me.

I freaked out because I was really surprised by his attitude that led to his teacher calling for me. I know he is a good boy. He is even pampered at home because he’s the first grandson who is always left with his lola. I know he’s not a spoiled brat. I’m bothered by his attitude and am wondering if it has anything to do with his being without a father at home. Although his lolo and two uncles live with us, I feel that having a real father is still different.

What should I do? Should I contact his biological father? He has his own family now and from the very beginning, he has not shown any interest in our son. I hope you could help me.

Grace

Dear Grace,

Being a single mother is, indeed, a difficult task. I think the best way that I can answer your questions is to focus on one issue at a time.

First, I think you should give your son the benefit of your doubt with regard to his excuse for cutting his Filipino class. Children who are very engrossed with playing do tend to forget about their responsibilities. On the other hand, perhaps he may be having difficulty in his Filipino subject. In both cases, the best approach would be to be calm and take time to try to process the situation with your son and have a better view of where he is coming from by asking him questions like: What were you playing that made you forget about your exam? Didn’t you hear the bell? What do you think is the consequence for cutting classes? Do you know that it will affect your grades? What do you think will best help you remember about the time when playing? How do you find Filipino as a subject? How do you think I can help you in that subject?

Regarding his fight over spaghetti that led to physical injury, it is only proper for you to reprimand him if he did force his classmate to give him spaghetti. Perhaps you and the classmate’s parent should be asked to speak to each other as well to settle how the scratches should be dealt with. You shouldn’t be afraid to face the teacher. She has summoned you to perhaps remedy the situation. Your cooperation will greatly determine your child’s future in his school.

Now, about your child’s father. It wouldn’t hurt to give him updates about your son from time to time but asking him to come into the picture to "straighten" up his son will definitely do more harm than good since, to begin with, they do not have a relationship. If the father finds the need to reach out, the better because then, it means he wants to pursue a relationship with your son.

For now, focus on your son’s problems in school and find enough bonding time to discover what adjustments he is facing in grade school and do your best to see things from his perspective rather than reacting negatively about every bad behavior you hear about your son. All of us parents want to believe that our sons are good. But they do bad things sometimes, don’t they? That’s why they need us to show them the way back to the right path.

All the best,

Maricel

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E-mail me at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.