Readers react
December 2, 2003 | 12:00am
Folks, thank you so much for writing. Your letters truly inspire me and I will always try my very best to answer all your queries through e-mail. Here are some of them. May they encourage others as well..
Hi Maricel!
Just wanted you to know I enjoyed reading your article "A happy hospital experience." It’s been awhile since I’ve encountered such a positive outlook regarding a kid’s confinement. Being a pediatrician myself (I spent my residency training in Manila, and am currently doing fellowship training in the US), I can fully relate to the experience your son had, especially with the needle poking he had to go through. We doctors can sometimes be so callous regarding a procedure like this because it’s so much a routine for the most part. I had some routine blood tests done while I was there and, admittedly, I still do bite my tongue and close my eyes each time I’d have an injection. Something that constantly reminds me how painful it really is, even for so short a time. And reading your son’s experience provided a richer perspective on that. Thank you. Every day has been a struggle here, fellowship notwithstanding. Hopefully, it will help me become not just a better doctor but, more importantly, a better human being.
Alex
I suppose the first question to ask would be: How can I even be qualified to advise anyone on such a topic? I am only 15, neither a stepmother nor a stepchild. However, my classmate is adopted and periodically clashes with her stepfather. Another of my classmates, our close friend, is currently writing a thesis about human behavior, and because of this, both of us have read up extensively on psychology. Besides this, I find that I am familiar (in a non-stepfamily sort of way) with your situation.
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my mother complain about my stubbornness, my laziness, my incompetence. I don’t know how many times she’s gotten me so riled that I answered back. (One time I even cussed her – not to her face, but loud enough so she could hear. She threw me out of the house.) I know my mother’s rules – always keep them informed of my whereabouts and companions, never talk to strangers, keep my cell phone with me at all times, always be polite – and most of the time, I follow them. But I follow them only because I know that if I didn’t, and I ended up getting screwed somehow, my parents would not sympathize with me. So I learned to look after the consequences of my actions – because anything that goes wrong will be purely my fault.
Your stepdaughter is nine, in my opinion too young to be getting into all sorts of trouble that a teenager can. But she can already be beginning to think like one. Therefore, she could be finding your rules too restrictive. If this is a case, you should talk to her and try to find a sensible (read: more to your side but seems to be more to hers) middle ground. If she thinks she made up the rules, she’ll be more likely to follow them. She’ll also probably be more receptive to your "suggestions," the advice of a beloved family member, than to your "rules," the edicts of a tyrant. For example, my classmate relates that she feels that her stepfather doesn’t love her as much as he loves his real daughter. He is very strict with her and she is scared to death of him. Nevertheless, she does everything to please him … but you should hear her talk about him! Always praises for her mother, complaints for her stepdad. She favors her friend, her confidant, over her controller.
On the other hand, your stepdaughter is most probably experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil right now, because of her real parents’ annulment. Since she’s very young, she mightn’t know what to do and work off her frustrations in less productive ways, such as challenging your authority. She could be testing how far she can go before you tighten her leash, or even (in an odd way) testing how much you really love her – would you leave her if she were totally bad, or would you still stay? She could be feeling resentful or experiencing a down cycle. I advise you to talk to her. She’ll be needing a friend now, and a mom to stay with her. You might find that (in her opinion at least) she has some justification for her doing what she has been doing.
I often react the same way when my mom pisses me off, being deliberately mean; she lets me cool off, and then talks to me. However, sometimes it is the actual squabbling that does the trick. Our screaming at each other clears the air. We always feel closer after we "fight." I’m not saying that I was right in acting the boorish way I did, but if you listen to your daughter in a hissy fit, you might learn something. And if you make her listen to you in a hissy fit, she’ll find that you’re human, too. There’s something to be learned for everyone in that scenario. (Spoken like a true teenager.)
As for the food problem … well, I myself was a picky eater. The only vegetables I ate were boiled potatoes, sitaw, and raw carrots (I refused to eat the cooked ones; in fact, I still do if they’re soft). Because of that, I stayed 80 pounds for six years and got an ulcer now and then. But when I reached high school, I was packed off into a dormitory with no choice but to eat the dorm food served there, or starve. I learned to eat vegetables (even ampalaya), meat – everything except fat, but who would eat that anyway? I gained 20 pounds in a year and have maintained a weight of 100-105 pounds for the past three years, much healthier for my height of 4 feet 11 inches. I can eat anything now, although I tend to eat healthy (veggies and fruits, although I still prefer fruits, low-cholesterol, low-salt, low-sugar foods…) as a choice. Since your kid is only nine and prefers kiddie food, I suggest you give her healthier versions of her preferred foodstuff – I know there are a lot of alternatives out there, since our refrigerator was always full of them. There are chicken hotdogs, uncured bacon, semi-sweetened tocino… still, you can’t really get rid of the carcinogens; just rest assured that they’re not bad in regular doses, just don’t overdo it. (1/2 kilo a day is definitely overdoing it. It’s up to you how much is enough I guess. ^_^)
But a word of advice from my mother (I used to pull that cancer argument on her whenever I didn’t want to eat something), and I quote: "I was a Chemistry major. In college, I got anorexia because I refused to eat fried foods since they were carcinogenic. I also refused to eat fruits and vegetables because according to the Environmental Science people, they were full of pesticide; nor could I drink water because it had amoebas and microorganisms, and soft drinks were far too acidic. I couldn’t eat rice and grain because according to the Biology majors, they were genetically modified. The thing is, if you want to keep your body away from harmful food, you might as well not eat anything at all. The key is moderation."
That always worked for me. I hope you see her point, too.
As for the tocino, let your stepdaughter have her way for a while. I daresay after a couple of months eating nothing but tocino, she’ll be really sick of the stuff anyway.
I hope that helped!
Anonymous
I thought celebrities like you did not have to go through the difficulties of tutoring their kids ... yun pala, you’re just like most working moms!
Anyway, here are some tips that I used when tutoring my seven-year-old daughter Nina, with my two-year-old Ella within studying distance.
1) Make sure that review sessions for periodical exams start at least one week before the scheduled tests. Review one subject per day, considering that children have very short attention spans. That way, your child gets the much-needed calm and rest she needs to hurdle the exams (and you don’t end up grouchy because of the long list of review items to tackle!).
2) Use whiteboards and whiteboard markers when doing exercises, especially in mathematics. The big, bold letters help in memory retention, thereby giving your child an edge. We have noted that exercises done on whiteboards (the small ones that you can buy at National Book Store for P200) also develop confidence in the child especially during board work.
3) If you have a younger kid who also craves your undivided attention while the older kid is reviewing, give the younger one crayons and coloring books, big puzzles or watercolors to while the time away. Never mind the temporary mess it will create in your bedroom or living room; it will go a long way in taking the younger kid’s attention off her older sister who needs as much time and quiet as she can have for her studies.
Moppet B. Varlez
BrandSpace Articles
<
>
