Are you an only-born, firstborn or middle-born?
May 27, 2003 | 12:00am
Birth order is one way to gain an understanding of our children, friends, family members and ourselves. Discover how personality is influenced by your position in the family. Whether you’re the firstborn in the family, middle or only child, find out what your (and your children’s) predispositions are from Dr. Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book.
Without an older sibling to look up to, only children tend to model themselves after their parents – which may influence only children to act like "little adults" by age seven. They may, in fact, get along better with older people than their peers as a result of being an only child.
Positive traits: Only-borns are the mega-movers of the world. They are task-orientated; tend to be extremely well-organized, highly conscientious and dependable. They are keen on facts, ideas and details and feel extremely comfortable with responsibility.
Negative traits: The negative characteristics of only-borns can be tough to handle. They are often unforgiving, very demanding, hate to admit they’re wrong and usually don’t accept criticism well. To others, they seem very sensitive and indeed, their feelings are easily hurt.
Firstborns tend to be highly motivated to achieve. Of the first 23 astronauts sent into outer space, 21 were firstborns or only children.
Positive traits: They are natural leaders and often high achievers. The majority of politicians, spokespersons and managing directors are firstborns. They frequently live with a sense of entitlement and even superiority, they sometimes don’t have to prove themselves. They often come in two flavors: Compliant nurturers/caregivers (the ates) or aggressive movers and shakers (the kuyas). Both are in control; they just use different methods. As a rule, firstborns are picky, precise people and have difficulty adjusting. They pay attention to detail, tend to be punctual, organized, and competent. They want to see things done right the first time.
Negative traits: They don’t like surprises and have to learn how to express more emotion. They are often moody and occasionally lack sensitivity. They can be intimidating and pushy. Sometimes they can be a bit "know-it-all," and often, they are poor at delegating – largely because they don’t trust other people as much as themselves. They also tend to be bossy, perfectionists and overly-conscientious.
Parenting tip: According to www.parenting.com, the oldest or only child tends to be a "discouraged perfectionist," setting impossible standards for himself, and may be at risk for burning out in the future. Acknowledgement and praise come naturally their way. Encourage these children, however, to lower the bar so that real success is not an impossible dream. Learning to settle for excellence (as opposed to perfection) makes life happier and more fulfilling. Enroll them in sports where they can express their competitive streak and where they may learn teamwork and how to lose graciously (and not take himself too seriously) as well.
They’re often the free spirits of the family. Because their place in the pecking order is not as well-defined as other siblings’, they create their own lifestyle to a large degree. They can be sociable, friendly, and outgoing – or loners who are quiet and shy. And while middle children may appear to take an easygoing approach to life, they can also be quite stubborn and very hard to deal with once they feel unappreciated.
Positives: The classic middle-born is very relationship-oriented, tends to be a people-pleaser and usually hates confrontation. Their basic need is to keep life smooth and their motto might be "peace at any price." They are usually very calm, amiable, will roll with the punches, are down-to-earth and great listeners. They are skilled at seeing both sides of a problem and eager to make everybody happy. This makes them good mediators and negotiators.
Negatives: Middles may feel squeezed out of a position of privilege and significance. They tend to be less driven than firstborns, but are much more eager to be liked. They have a difficult time setting boundaries, and may work too hard at a career to prove themselves. They tend to try to please everybody. They can also be manipulative, since they did not have Mom and Dad all to themselves. They are not good at making decisions that will offend others. They also tend to blame themselves when others fail.
The middle-born will tend to surround himself or herself with a "family" of friends, where he or she can feel special – even if sometimes you’ll find middlers hanging with the wrong crowd. But weep not for this social butterfly. The ability to create new relationships, coupled with his or her talent for mediation, works rather harmoniously – in fact, middle-born children often end up being the most well-adjusted adults of any birth order.
Parenting tip: Middle-born children can have a tendency to feel as though they have little say or control within their family. They have parents and at least one older sibling telling them what to do, while the baby of the family seems like he’s getting away with murder. This can cause much frustration in the middle child. The best way to diffuse these feelings is to always ask middle children for their opinion, and let them make decisions whenever possible. Respect their opinion and choices. This is good advice for parents of children of any birth order, but is extra important for parents of sensitive middle children to keep in mind.
Those who are the baby of the family rarely have any complaints about their position within the birth order hierarchy. This is one time when coming in last has its rewards – and plenty of them. The last-born is blessed with a number of enviable personality traits. But believe it or not, the family baby has a dark side, too.
Positives: They have strong people skills and love to entertain and talk to others. They make friends easily and immediately make others feel at home. They are extroverts – energized by the presence of other people and are not afraid to take risks. The youngest are the family clowns, outgoing charmers, and personable manipulators – they know how to get just what they want without a smile ever leaving their face.
Negatives: Last-borns love the limelight, and so they should, because they’re often basking in it. They have a strong fear of rejection and a short attention span. They thrive in nonstop fun and tend to get bored easily. To some extent, they’re self-centered. They may harbor unrealistic expectations of finding a relationship that is always fun or perfect – and of course, such relationships simply do not last.
They can also be rebellious, temperamental, manipulative, and impatient. Last-borns carry the curse of not being taken very seriously – and they’re often painfully aware that they’re the weakest person in their family. One minute they’re adored and praised – the next minute, someone is tying their shoelaces for them because they’re "too little" to do it themselves. The result? Last-borns can have a tendency to be a bundle of ambivalence – sure of themselves one day, and completely without self-confidence the next.
Parenting tip: Don’t let "the baby" get away with murder, even if he is so cute and charming. Sports should teach him that he should play his role and be responsible for his actions. Give him rules to stick by and be firm about them. Be sure your last-born has his/her fair share of responsibilities around the house and in family affairs. Last-borns often end up with very little to do because everyone wants to do it for them. And remember, that the baby must grow up, too.
In very large families, with eight or more children, birth-order characteristics tend to become confused. So many subgroups can form so that there may be several "oldests" and several "youngests," who are actually middles.
Parenting style can encourage the functional firstborn phenomenon to take place. If a parent is overly critical or controlling, the firstborn may gladly let the second-born child take the place of the firstborn, where he/she is more likely to bear the brunt of that form of parenting. Firstborn personalities can be created by being the oldest of your sex, having a five-year gap between you and the child above you of the same sex, or achieving a role reversal, and taking over the firstborn privileges and responsibilities.
Variables can affect each family situation. These variables include spacing (the number of years between children), the sex of the child, physical differences, disabilities, the birth order position of parents, any blending of two or more families due to death or divorce and the relationship between parents.
Birth order isn’t a simplistic system that boxes us all in. These are tendencies and general characteristics that often apply. So whether raising your children or working with adults, the key is to remember that everyone is an individual. Birth order is just another attempt to gain insight into the complex behavior of human beings. As parents, we must pay attention to our children’s needs and encourage them to become their best in ways that are applicable to them.
Without an older sibling to look up to, only children tend to model themselves after their parents – which may influence only children to act like "little adults" by age seven. They may, in fact, get along better with older people than their peers as a result of being an only child.
Positive traits: Only-borns are the mega-movers of the world. They are task-orientated; tend to be extremely well-organized, highly conscientious and dependable. They are keen on facts, ideas and details and feel extremely comfortable with responsibility.
Negative traits: The negative characteristics of only-borns can be tough to handle. They are often unforgiving, very demanding, hate to admit they’re wrong and usually don’t accept criticism well. To others, they seem very sensitive and indeed, their feelings are easily hurt.
Positive traits: They are natural leaders and often high achievers. The majority of politicians, spokespersons and managing directors are firstborns. They frequently live with a sense of entitlement and even superiority, they sometimes don’t have to prove themselves. They often come in two flavors: Compliant nurturers/caregivers (the ates) or aggressive movers and shakers (the kuyas). Both are in control; they just use different methods. As a rule, firstborns are picky, precise people and have difficulty adjusting. They pay attention to detail, tend to be punctual, organized, and competent. They want to see things done right the first time.
Negative traits: They don’t like surprises and have to learn how to express more emotion. They are often moody and occasionally lack sensitivity. They can be intimidating and pushy. Sometimes they can be a bit "know-it-all," and often, they are poor at delegating – largely because they don’t trust other people as much as themselves. They also tend to be bossy, perfectionists and overly-conscientious.
Parenting tip: According to www.parenting.com, the oldest or only child tends to be a "discouraged perfectionist," setting impossible standards for himself, and may be at risk for burning out in the future. Acknowledgement and praise come naturally their way. Encourage these children, however, to lower the bar so that real success is not an impossible dream. Learning to settle for excellence (as opposed to perfection) makes life happier and more fulfilling. Enroll them in sports where they can express their competitive streak and where they may learn teamwork and how to lose graciously (and not take himself too seriously) as well.
Positives: The classic middle-born is very relationship-oriented, tends to be a people-pleaser and usually hates confrontation. Their basic need is to keep life smooth and their motto might be "peace at any price." They are usually very calm, amiable, will roll with the punches, are down-to-earth and great listeners. They are skilled at seeing both sides of a problem and eager to make everybody happy. This makes them good mediators and negotiators.
Negatives: Middles may feel squeezed out of a position of privilege and significance. They tend to be less driven than firstborns, but are much more eager to be liked. They have a difficult time setting boundaries, and may work too hard at a career to prove themselves. They tend to try to please everybody. They can also be manipulative, since they did not have Mom and Dad all to themselves. They are not good at making decisions that will offend others. They also tend to blame themselves when others fail.
The middle-born will tend to surround himself or herself with a "family" of friends, where he or she can feel special – even if sometimes you’ll find middlers hanging with the wrong crowd. But weep not for this social butterfly. The ability to create new relationships, coupled with his or her talent for mediation, works rather harmoniously – in fact, middle-born children often end up being the most well-adjusted adults of any birth order.
Parenting tip: Middle-born children can have a tendency to feel as though they have little say or control within their family. They have parents and at least one older sibling telling them what to do, while the baby of the family seems like he’s getting away with murder. This can cause much frustration in the middle child. The best way to diffuse these feelings is to always ask middle children for their opinion, and let them make decisions whenever possible. Respect their opinion and choices. This is good advice for parents of children of any birth order, but is extra important for parents of sensitive middle children to keep in mind.
Positives: They have strong people skills and love to entertain and talk to others. They make friends easily and immediately make others feel at home. They are extroverts – energized by the presence of other people and are not afraid to take risks. The youngest are the family clowns, outgoing charmers, and personable manipulators – they know how to get just what they want without a smile ever leaving their face.
Negatives: Last-borns love the limelight, and so they should, because they’re often basking in it. They have a strong fear of rejection and a short attention span. They thrive in nonstop fun and tend to get bored easily. To some extent, they’re self-centered. They may harbor unrealistic expectations of finding a relationship that is always fun or perfect – and of course, such relationships simply do not last.
They can also be rebellious, temperamental, manipulative, and impatient. Last-borns carry the curse of not being taken very seriously – and they’re often painfully aware that they’re the weakest person in their family. One minute they’re adored and praised – the next minute, someone is tying their shoelaces for them because they’re "too little" to do it themselves. The result? Last-borns can have a tendency to be a bundle of ambivalence – sure of themselves one day, and completely without self-confidence the next.
Parenting tip: Don’t let "the baby" get away with murder, even if he is so cute and charming. Sports should teach him that he should play his role and be responsible for his actions. Give him rules to stick by and be firm about them. Be sure your last-born has his/her fair share of responsibilities around the house and in family affairs. Last-borns often end up with very little to do because everyone wants to do it for them. And remember, that the baby must grow up, too.
Parenting style can encourage the functional firstborn phenomenon to take place. If a parent is overly critical or controlling, the firstborn may gladly let the second-born child take the place of the firstborn, where he/she is more likely to bear the brunt of that form of parenting. Firstborn personalities can be created by being the oldest of your sex, having a five-year gap between you and the child above you of the same sex, or achieving a role reversal, and taking over the firstborn privileges and responsibilities.
Variables can affect each family situation. These variables include spacing (the number of years between children), the sex of the child, physical differences, disabilities, the birth order position of parents, any blending of two or more families due to death or divorce and the relationship between parents.
Birth order isn’t a simplistic system that boxes us all in. These are tendencies and general characteristics that often apply. So whether raising your children or working with adults, the key is to remember that everyone is an individual. Birth order is just another attempt to gain insight into the complex behavior of human beings. As parents, we must pay attention to our children’s needs and encourage them to become their best in ways that are applicable to them.
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