Once, when Anthony came home, he did the usual things – played monster with Ella, had a swordfight with Donny and spent some tickling moments with Hannah and Benj. Before bed, Ella did something that prompted Anthony to send her to a corner. It amazed me to see her get up on her feet without hesitation and head for the corner her daddy had pointed.
Then, I reviewed my battles with my kids. I asked myself what was different in Anthony’s approach. Was it his voice, his presence or just the fact that they’re scared of him? I wondered if my kids take my presence for granted. Maybe because they see me all day, my words or commands don’t carry as much weight. I kept thinking and praying until I realized I had forgotten something: To play with my kids. Anthony would always get crazy and dirty with the kids while I had been so focused on making sure meals are eaten well on time, that the kids are bathed before bed, a story is read, forgiveness is asked when someone is hurt, etc., etc.
The power to influence our children is not something we own, it is a privilege that must be earned. It is not easy to influence our children, especially these days when they are bombarded by different alternatives that provide entertainment – but it is very much worth it. In trying to get children do what we want them to do, we fail when we make use of coercive power. Although they might obey us at first out of fear, eventually, our influence will wane because they will get the bigger picture: That they were scared into submission. We often hear, "Sige, if you do that ..." Or "Just try ... and you’ll see what will happen."
There are countless myths about why we should control our children using fear as our motivator. Some of these include:
• In order to learn, a child must suffer.
• That it is a must to control a child.
• Our children must be afraid of us so that we will be able to make them behave.
• We are the boss and they are only our children.
If you are a parent, you already know that although this tactic is convenient, it does not really work in the long run. It will be worth your while to find another way to inspire and not merely make your kids obey.
It doesn’t really come automatically for me but lately, I’ve made an extra effort to make playing with my kids a part of my agenda. Since I know I will be depositing good points in their emotional bank account, I make myself play. I replay the fun moments in my head before I sleep and the positive results after, which make me want to play some more. Last night, Ella and I laughed and laughed in the bathroom while she made fun of the characters in the book we were reading. I lost track of the time and the other agenda I had lined up before bed. I simply had fun with her. The series of events that followed was truly wonderful. She made it so easy for me to prepare her for bed. We actually saved more time! No fuss in taking a shower, getting dressed or brushing her teeth. She even prayed a special prayer of healing (I’ve had a bad cold for a week) for me and conked out in no time.
What am I saying here? Well, simply this: That if we require our children to respect us, we must first make them feel we respect them. What makes them happy? What makes them feel closest to us? It doesn’t mean we will allow them to get what they want all the time. It means listening to their hearts and understanding what means the most to them. We must be willing to change our approach in influencing our children. We must honor them first and then we will reap the privilege of being honored by them. By now, we should know that there is nothing we can buy in this world that will make our kids honor us. Apart from the grace of God, I believe that the best gift we can give our children is ourselves. There is nothing material that can equal the time we spend with our kids listening to their hearts and understanding their nature. You are the best gift you can give your child.
When we get our children used to the idea that we are there for them, they will be there for us – when the going gets tough.