I put a spell on you

Far from thinking Doña Dionisia should cool it with the ‘kulam,’ I have a bold proposal: the Philippines could marshal her talents against other supposed evils of society.

Filipinos can be quite proud of their favorite boxer, Manny Pacquiao, solidly outpunching Timothy Bradley in last Sunday’s rematch… but what was going on in Round 8, when Pacman’s mother, Dionisia, was clearly shown on camera pointing a finger and muttering some oath toward the opponent’s corner? Clutching a prayer card and a crucifix, she seemed to be putting the whammy on Bradley, big-time, leaving one announcer to conclude, “Pacquiao’s mother looks like she’s putting some kind of Filipino hex on Bradley…”

Well, Pacman’s mom has always been a colorful character. But some would say, “Isn’t it a bit unsportsmanlike, Manny, to have your mother in the wings, casting spells and evil eyes at the man you are trying to beat up?”

Those who would say that don’t know about the ingenious interweaving of Catholic faith and kulam in the Philippines, and how a religion based on the mystery of faith dovetails neatly with a faith based on the mystery of illnesses and spells. I’m no scholar in this matter, but it appears Mama Pacquiao was using her Catholic faith (and the weapons at her disposal) to leverage a little extra voodoo hoodoo against Bradley. This stuff goes way back; no use trying to extricate it from Catholic beliefs.

For her part, Dionisia has claimed on social media that there was “no hex” involved, just a spirited “Rosary lang.” But come on, Mama Pacman. My grandmother was a Sicilian Catholic… I know a curse when I see one.

But far from thinking Doña Dionisia should cool it with the kulam, I have a bold proposal: the Philippines could marshal her talents in service against other supposed evils of society.

Must I go into specifics? Okay, then, I will.

• Send her to Congress. If any place in the Philippines is in dire need of some solid exorcism and spell-casting on a regular basis, it’s Congress. With pending investigations of stolen pork barrel gathering mold, and with much more important matters — such as naming national fruits and national dishes — being handled with breezy expedience, it seems a good whammy would really do this Congress some good. Instead of spending taxpayers’ time and money trying to limit the power of Internet users, why not send Dionisia to the halls of Congress to show them what real power is about? The power of Christ compels you… to get to work, come clean… or begone from these premises.

• Put her in charge of weather. With the country reeling from devastating typhoon Yolanda, and a nonstop stream of major storms every year during rainy season, it seems only natural to try to negotiate with Mother Nature. Send Dionisia to some mountaintop perch during stormwatch, enabling her to hurtle incoming hurricanes and storms harmlessly back out to sea. She’s shown she has a mean right hand when it comes to casting away evil spirits. Let’s see how she does against natural phenomena. Make with the Cecil B. DeMille, Mama.

• Settle international territory disputes. The Spratleys. Scarborough Shoal. Who owns them? Let Mama Pacman make the final call, using the powers at her command. You’re not going to find a neutral committee, either Filipino or Chinese, that can settle these matters over territorial rights. So why not send in a higher power? A little extra juice to bring that goat’s head soup to a boil? Yes, in all future land rights issues, the tie shall go to the shaman. And while you’re at it…

• Send her to Russia. There are some hinky land acquisitions going on as President Putin casts his eye on Crimea and other upstart areas. Maybe Mama Pacquiao can cast her own eye on these matters and get some people in Putin’s circle to see sense. And failing that, let them face the wrath of the evil eye.

• Fix the damn roads. Yes, it’s Holy Week coming up, and this means ongoing nightmares for those who have to traverse traffic on a daily basis as the DPWH tears things up. Roadwork is threatening to turn the length of EDSA highway into the final scene of Poltergeist, with upheavals spewing up asphalt everywhere in sight. The DPWH wants to play around in their sandboxes year after year, leaving EDSA no better than it was before the scheduled “inconvenience”? Why not bring in someone with some real muscle to move heaven and earth?

• Prosecute the Ampatuan Massacre masterminds. Who’s really behind all those dead bodies in Maguindanao? Perhaps the truth requires more serious digging. Who better to shift the sands and excavate the rotten truth than someone with serious spell-casting powers? She can turn up the truth faster than a backhoe.

• Stop bucking the RH Law. Yes, the Supreme Court has done the right thing in upholding the Reproductive Health Law. Even with a watered-down provision that allows religion to insert its toe into the matter. Now it has to gain a little extra leverage to ensure the choice is left up to the people. It’s a long shot, but maybe our favorite spell-caster can remove some of the obstacles that prevent many people from seeking reproductive health care, out of fear or shame.

 â€¢ End corruption. The Philippines is actually in a pretty good position to move forward, economically. All it needs is a little extra exorcism. Get rid of the con artists, the corrupt officials, the middlemen who are always trying to score a quick buck at someone else’s expense. Unfortunately, such tendencies have filtered down to almost level of society. But maybe one good furious shakeout of the shakedown artists — perhaps show them the true meaning of righteous anger — would send them scuttling from the marketplace for good. If Mama Pacquiao’s powers have some positive use here on the terrestrial plain, it might be in showing how things can operate with an even playing field.