Face off

The more oily the skin, the more testosterone in your system. No wonder I have enough oil on my face to put up a gas station.

My imaginary fan club members often ask me: How do I maintain my eternally youthful good looks (of course, the use of the word “good” is open to debate).

Is it via plastic surgery? Clone bodies? Virgin sacrifices to the elder gods of lower mythology?

Well, aside from all that, I like to live a healthy lifestyle. I practice yoga (as long as I can reach my toes, that’s yoga), I’m somewhat vegetarian (does sizzling tofu with betsin count as a complete meal?) and I don’t smoke (I’m just smoking). 

But apparently lifestyle, a lock of Rapunzel’s hair and virgin sacrifices are no longer enough. Stress is causing my child star looks to prematurely age — so much so that I will no longer look a few years older than Ryzza Mae.

Because of this, I recently tried out the services of a skincare clinic to see if they could rejuvenate my skin so that I can eventually revive my career as a child star.

RJ LEDESMA: Doc, I have to know: after the treatment is over, will I resemble John Lloyd Cruz? During his Tabing Ilog years?

SKINCARE CONSULTANT: Better pa!

Thanks you for feeding my delusions, Doc.

We’ll make you look very unique and handsome in your own way.

Wow, Doc. I feel like a special. 

(RJ’s Yaya: Lagi ko naman sinasabi sa yo na special child ka, di ba?)

So when I am done with this treatment, my good looks will be something of a general consensus?

(Laughs) Well, here at Facial Care, we make the treatments personalized based on your needs.

That’s great. My wife says I’m very needy. 

(The treatments here are) all about cleansing, rejuvenating and improving. For example, when you get older, you lose collagen so your face, neck and other body parts start to sag. When this happens, we try to improve the tone and condition of the skin.

(Dirty Old Man representative: I hope that includes body parts that resemble saging.)

So what do you do? Apply Viagra on the sagging parts?

Parang ganyan. (Laughs)

(DOM representative: It didn’t seem to work when I tried it.)

But it’s not a pill you take. There are no pills over here and there’s (nothing that penetrates). Everything we do is non-invasive.

Can your treatments give me a more chiseled face?

Yes! Your face will become chiseled!

Great! What type of blunt instrument do you use for that? I’m sure you’ll need jackhammers for the politicians with pork barrel funds.

We have several machines that employ radio frequency technologies for refirm, ultra face and thermage.

Wow, radio frequencies to reshape my face!? I might end up looking like Sam YG, Chico or (squeals) Papa Jack!

You will look the same but much improved.

I will look like Doctor Love?

Another (concern) among men is pigments. Since men are more of the outdoorsy type, they don’t really care to put on sunblock when they are exposed to the sun. So the (effects of sun exposure) when they were younger are now coming out as pigments.

I know many things that we did in our adolescence that have irreparably damaged our adult lives.  

Pigments are blotches of dark skin (that appear) on your face. We want to lighten it or completely remove it altogether. But the longer that you have had the pigments, the harder it is to remove or to lighten. Ideally, (these pigments) should be treated at an early stage.

(DOM representative: Naku, paano yan? My pigments have been around since the Bronze Age.)

And there’s no downtime after our treatments. As soon as you’re done, you can perform your daily activities right after.

(DOM representative: As long as I can get to the KTVs before the first fashion show, then I’m all right.)

Can you evaluate my skin and tell me how you can improve on perfection? 

You have some scars. Did you have pimples before?

Yes, when I hit puberty two years ago.

For men, they usually (have problems with) pimples, even after their puberty stage. This is because of their testosterone level. The more oily the skin, the more testosterone (in their system).

No wonder I have enough oil on my face to put up a gas station.

(For your acne scars), we have a laser resurfacing machine. The laser destroys micro columns underneath our skin so that your skin can reproduce and produce new collagen that can even out the (acne scar areas) on your face. That will require about five to six sessions.

Ouch. Aren’t there less painful ways to reproduce? 

You also have some fine lines. 

Does that mean I’m mighty fine?

Is it okay if I ask your age?

My real age or emotional age or showbiz age? I’m 39 but don’t quote me on that.

When we reach our 30s, the signs of aging start coming out. But you have medyo deep lines on your face. Do you like to frown?  

Only when my wife scolds me.

Frowning is a habit. We can erase those fine lines with the thermage radio frequency treatment. That’s just for one session but the effects last for about six months to a year. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can really do about those deep lines.

I like to think of those deep lines as love lines. The more I have, the more I know that my wife loves me very much.

And your nose has a lot of blackheads. You need some cleaning. You should have a facial so we can clean out your pores. 

Please do, I have more heads than I can handle. So what type of treatment will I get that will make me resemble my child star years?

It’s called a Shi-Zen D-Tox, it’s a detoxification system using the combination of anti-aging facial and a Shiatsu therapy. The treatment addresses skin fatigue — like aging and stressed skin. It will boost the skin’s firmness to eliminate rough and dry texture as well as the appearance of wrinkles.

As long as the only happy ending of this treatment is a younger looking face, my wife is perfectly fine with that.

We’ll start with a (Shiatsu) back massage, Sir. 

Will the back massage make me look younger?

It’s for relaxation.  We will use a massage cream.

(DOM representative: Wala bang powder or oil Mas-sanay diyan kapag minamasahe ako.)

We will now clean your neck, chin, cheek and upper lip areas with cotton, soap and warm water. Then this will be followed by a toner. 

Toner? Why? Will you be printing something with my face?

The toner cleanses the skin deeper than soap and water. The next step is to use the scrub.

But remember, TLC once advised “No Scrubs”?

This is a cooling scrub to exfoliate dead skin cells (from your face).

Wow, parang mentholated. My face feels like a Storck candy.

Finally, we will place a gel mask on your face for (further) exfoliation.

Wow, not even my yaya has cleaned me that thoroughly in my hard-to-reach parts.

Let’s scrub off your mask and start with the facial massage. The facial massage will relax your face for (the proper flow of toxins out of your face).

But won’t I lose my ruggedly good looks if you do that? Why are you pressing down on my face?

I’m pressing (down) on the mandible and near the nose to release pressure, Sir. I’ll also be pressing the jaw, check, temple, the forehead and the scalp areas because these are areas that experience the most pressure on our face.

(No Girlfriend Since Birth representative: I didn’t realize that pressing helps release pressure. Let me try that at home.)

What are you doing with that towel? I was not given permission to take a bath for this treatment.

We will use the towel for traction, Sir. It’s to stretch and relax the neck muscles.

As long as I am stretched and relaxed in the permissible body parts. What’s next?

We are going to steam your face to soften it up and open up your pores and prepare it for extraction.

Why are you going to turn my face into siomai?

It’s to soften it up and open up your pores in preparation for extraction.

We’ll place the steamer over here and you’ll feel a (stream of) hot air being blown directly at your face.

(RJ’s Yaya: Kayang kayang gawin ni RJ yan ng mag-isa. Sabi kasi ng asawa niya “You’re full of hot air.”)

It’s time for your extraction, Sir.

What will you extract from my face? Oil? Gold? Fossilized mosquitoes?

Some blackheads, whiteheads and milia. 

Who is milia? Please don’t tell my wife that you saw her there.

Milia comes from the fats that you eat that get stored in other parts of your face. It looks to me that what you have is some whiteheads around your forehead and mostly blackheads on your nose.

I think I have enough blackheads on my nose to form a barangay. Why is the nose area so prone to developing blackheads? 

It’s because usually our pores are open there.

I should teach my nose to be more conservative. What is that long metal thingy you are bringing perilously close to my face? Do you plan on giving me a lobotomy?

We’ll be using an extractor to get rid of the oils and whiteheads in the forehead area and the cheeks. From there, we will move down to your nose and chin areas. 

How do you remove these blackheads? You threaten to skewer them and then they evacuate?

We squeeze it and then push it out, Sir.

(NGSB representative: Can you show me your technique?)

For the last step, Sir, we are going to close your pores.

With what? Cement?

We will use a black powder that has detoxifying properties that dilute with warm water (as we spread it evenly on your face).  When it dries, it will be like clay in texture. We will leave it on your face for about 30 minutes.

(And, through the magic of lifestyle column writing, 30 minutes later…)

So how will you take off this clay mask? With a chisel? 

We will just use some tissue and wipe it off with cotton.

Don’t throw away the clay mask, ha? I could sell it to my fans on Sulit.ph.

And then we will just apply moisturizer on your face and you’ll be done with the treatment.

So, tell me the truth before my wife sees me: Kamukha ko na ba si John Lloyd?

Malapit na, Sir.  

That’s close enough for me.

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For comments, suggestions or a pre-loved clay mask, please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit my newly revamped website www.rjledesma.com. Follow @rjled on Twitter and @rjled610 on Instagram.

Call For Men at 813-7959 for a free private consultation.