Fat hair day

I spit on my DNA by having a full head of hair at 39.

But it was neither the result of genetic manipulation nor spray-on hair nor the sacrifice of virgin chickens to lesser gods. It was a weekly visit to the Svenson for hair loss prevention treatments.  Plus several virgin chickens.

However, since I plan to re-launch my career as a child actor, I needed to accelerate the reforestation my scalp. To do this, I sought out the assistance of Michael Bernstein, Svenson’s chief trichologist and a member of the London Trichology association, so that I could give Bimby Aquno a run for his money.

But to do that, Mr. Bernstein had to get under my skin, quite literally.

RJ LEDESMA: Welcome back to Manila! The last time that you visited us, I took off all my clothes to show you all the parts where I sprouted hair. But that’s not quite what a trichologist needs to see, is it?

MICHAEL BERNSTEIN: No, not quite. Even though you’ve quite good body hair.

Why thanks! That’s the same thing my yaya says. Since I’ve been going to Svenson for my weekly hair-loss prevention treatment for over a year, may I kindly ask you to take a look at my scalp to see if I have triumphed over my genetic destiny. And please be gentle, it’s a long time since anyone has touched me like that over there.

I really need to know how old you are.

Don’t you have a copy of my NBI records? Well, emotionally, I’m slightly younger than my four-year-old daughter. Physically, I’m in my tastefully late 30s.

You’re doing pretty well, kept a good hairline here. Although it’s still a little bit thin around some parts.

Oh, Mr. Bernstein, you had me at “pretty.” And it stopped at pretty. When you say hairline, what are you specifically referring to?

That’s the front temporal area. A lot of people lose their hair here. If you lose the hair in the front, that’s what makes you lose hair in the back. Fortunately, you’re losing some of your hair at the back.

Fortune favors the bald. And what part of the back is this?

The crown of your head. So if you’re tall, then that’s fine because people can’t see it.

So you’re saying that I should get elevator boots? 

You should go to Svenson more often. (Laughs)

I want to come here more often but my wife is worried that a full of head of hair on my crown might make me more attractive than I already am.

You know that there are some clients who ask me if the reason for their hair loss is too much sex? (Laughs) But that’s just an old wives’ tale. On second thought though, old wives might know better than us.

I am thinking about my dad’s reflectorized surface right now and I feel like I might throw up my intestines. Let us please talk about something else that will not keep me up at night. Let’s talk about stem cells. There are some concerns among swiftly balding DOMs who want to get stem cell therapy for their crowning glories that the technology for it is untested and unregulated. Please answer quickly because their pacemakers are ticking.

This Svenson treatment is “stem plus” which uses the whole idea of stem cells, which is that they can reproduce themselves.

(DOM representative: Anything that has to do with reproduction is fine by me.)

The stem cells are biological master cell. The good thing about this is that the cell is bioengineered. Although it would be much better if we could use one of your own stem cells, but we can’t do that at the moment.

(DOM representative: Will bodily fluids suffice?)

This (stem plus treatment) was formulated in Korea. We’ve been using it in Singapore and Thailand, and the results have really been spectacular. In particular, the results are good for people with cases like yours where you’re not bald, but some of your hair is getting a bit thinner.

I’m sorry, I might have misunderstood your English accent or I’m intentionally hard of hearing. Did you say that I’m not bald or I’m not bold? I can do bold. 

(The stem plus treatment) seems to regenerate (the hair). 

Let me just clarify. There is no transplanting of goat, pig or cavemen stem cells in the stem cell process? Unless this transplanting of stem cells will grant me super powers.

No, I can promise you that! (Laughs) Actually, the (stem plus treatment) is bioengineered which uses adipose tissue, which is really fat. 

Wait, so you’re putting fat into my hair?

Yes, exactly. So you’ll have fat hair. (Laughs)

I’m glad that my hair has no body image issues.  When you use the term “bioengineering,” the image that comes to my mind is cyborgs mutants and women with breast implants that qualify as their own barangay. But aren’t all Svenson treatments all-natural?

Yes (they are). We’re working on more of the organic and plants, this type of idea. And that’s what we are “bio-engineering” for the hair. 

Wow, so you can get cyborg mutant hair! How exactly does the stem plus treatment work?

The (stem plus treatment) is applied on the scalp topically but we use dermal infusion roller. You see, one of the main problems (of hair treatment) is to penetrate into the lower dermis. So we use the roller which slightly opens up the pores, then we put on the stem plus which is absorbed more quickly as it just hits around the hair follicle and all those dying or weaker cells are able to reproduce in their own image.

Penetration and reproduction. That’s easy enough to remember. Is the stem plus treatment efficacious for everyone?

It depends on the extent of the (hair) problem and how much we think can help (address) the problem. For example, when it comes to women, sometimes you are often better off using phytoestrogen, which are plants that mimic the female hormone. But it’s better not to use it on the men.

(DOM representative: That’s right. Or else you might end up staring at your chest in the mirror the whole day.)

We will examine and diagnose (the hair) and we would only recommend the treatment if we felt that it was necessary.

And during the diagnosis of scalp hair, do I have to take my clothes off again?

If you like.

What do you look for in a scalp that that might make one a candidate for stem plus therapy? Alien colonies?

Let’s take your hair for example. Firstly, you have bald patches.

Mr. Bernstein, walang laglagan naman diyan (Don’t drop me there, bro).

Like I said earlier, you also have a very good hairline and you don’t have any temporal recession.

My hairline has some good economic managers.

You have got a little bit of thinning around the crown. So you are a good candidate (for stem plus therapy) because we can stimulate (the growth) of thicker hair.

As long as it is a stimulation that my wife will approve of.

Fortunately, you’re not bald as we still can’t grow hair on bald heads.

(RJ’s dad: Why!!! Why!!!? Why!?? My nonexistent crown for a head of hair!)

My wife said that if I am to remain master of my house, it is not enough for me to have the libido of a 16-year-old, but I must also retain my crown. Given this, how often do I have to get the stem plus treatment?

This depends on the amount of hair loss but we usually suggest once a week. We usually put people on the treatment for a three-month period and see how they are progressing.

(DOM representative: I hope my hair progresses to the same level that I had during the good old days before I started walking upright.)

Sometimes they progress very well, so we also suggest other treatments that we think will be best for you. For example, we also use a laser therapy treatment that is very good and has passed the Food and Drug Administration in America as stimulating hair growth.

(DOM representative: Is this stimulation only limited to the hair on my exposed head?) 

How long should you undergo this stem plus treatment? When will all the stimulation end up with satisfaction?

Well, sometimes we can’t (keep on going) because everyone might end up looking like a gorilla. (Laughs)

(DOM representative: Not that far off from what I used to look like.)

But normally, it is when both yourself and your consultant are happy (with the progress) and then we will start phasing you out. So instead of coming in once a week, you can start coming in once a month and (then eventually) we will give you a maintenance program that you can carry on.  

Will I have to continue the program until I am a tastefully old man?

I feel hair care is a continuous program since your hair continues to grow and fall out. It’s not one of those things that you can just do once and say I’m finished.

(DOM representative: So, it’s not like a vasectomy?)

The (stem cell plus) therapy is usually for a limited period of time, say three to six months. Then our other treatments are for maintenance.

(DOM representative: Ah, madali na yung maintenance (Maintenance is easy). It will go well with my regular medication for gout, diabetes, high cholesterol, arthritis, memory loss, erectile dysfunction and memory loss.)

Are there any side effects to undergoing the stem cell treatment? Will my skin clear up? Will I grow hair in appropriate places? Will I grow a horn?

I haven’t noticed any of that yet (Laughs). But that’s actually a relevant point. Hair is composed of keratin like your nails and a rhinoceros horn is keratin. I haven’t met a person who has a horn yet, but that’s a very good point.

I don’t think you’ve seen my point yet. Before my scalp could become a reflectorized surface, I came over to Svenson to get diagnosed. But there are still some heathens out there who are too embarrassed to pay your consultants a visit. What advice can you offer them aside from what is the best wig to wear?

First of all, if you’re already losing your hair, you are going to be far more embarrassed by hair loss. Second, you’ve got nothing to lose in coming to Svenson because all our initial consultations are free of charge. 

(DOM representative: Why can’t the therapists at the massage parlors follow your payment scheme!?)

You can spend half an hour with one of our consultants.  There’s no need to be embarrassed. Everybody at some point is going to lose his hair, so why not try doing something to prevent it?

Has Svenson come up with technology to move the hair down there to up here? It’s always good to recycle, you know.

So far, no. But you know, you might know a kinky surgeon who might want to do that. 

Oh, well. For now I guess I should just be happy with kinky hair.

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For comments, suggestions or additional stimulation, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com. Please follow @rjled on Twitter and @rjled610 on Instagram.

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For more information, call Svenson at 892-4247.