Stealth shopping

A good friend, Jay, whipped out his cell phone at a dinner party and showed everyone a photo of his wife, Abby, who was in London at the time. “Start at the top and then scroll down slowly,” he said. We did as we he said, first seeing the top of a British iconic red phone booth, which served as a backdrop; Abby’s head covered in a beanie next came into view, followed by her beaming face and the rest of her, dressed in blazer, jeans and boots. And, as we slowly scrolled down some more, we saw the ground… covered in shopping bags from famous European luxury brands.

We all laughed, Jay the loudest of all. Catching his breath between bursts of laughter, he said: “I’m anticipating a call from the credit card company saying my card had been maxed out.”

All of this was funny because Jay is a businessman and Abby is a banker — both very successful in their chosen fields, and both more than capable of supporting not only their own but the other spouse’s and their children’s shopping sprees as well. It would not have been as funny (considering the number of bags at her feet) if Abby had no means of supporting herself and Jay had to shoulder her shopping expenses all the time. But then if that were the case, Abby would have never sent that photo with all the incriminating evidence, would she?

Everyone knows someone who hides purchases from his or her spouse. Let’s call it stealth shopping. I once went outlet store shopping in the outskirts of San Francisco with a girlfriend. At day’s end, we started loading our purchases in the trunk of her car. She stopped me as I swung a couple of shopping bags in. She said she needed to fix something first. I stood there in awe as she pulled out a slab of carpet-covered board — a false bottom, revealing a sunken compartment into which she told me to load the bags.  

“Whatever for?” I asked, referring to the board that she then slid back in place, totally concealing the goodies beneath.

“This is my anti-husband compartment. I don’t want him to see my purchases,” she said. “Cool, huh?”

She must have sensed that I was more puzzled than impressed so she explained. “You know how it is — too much trouble to have to explain every time I shop.” I then asked how she managed to transfer the contraband from car to bedroom, and more so, how she went about using new stuff that he’s sure to notice.

“Please,” she said, snickering. “You really think men notice whether we have new stuff? It looks all the same to them. But anyway, here’s how I do it: if it’s new clothes, I wait until I pick up our dry cleaning so I can bring my new stuff into the room along with them. If it’s shoes, I put them in the bottom of grocery bags when I shop for food and I smuggle them into the room when the coast is clear. If it’s bags, I stuff my old purse into the new one and he never notices. Oh, and I make sure that I dump all the tags, boxes and receipts in the big trash bin outside — so no evidence.”

Maybe she has a point. How come men think nothing of going out alone and buying a flat-screen TV, a computer, or even a car? Then they come home and say, “Hi, honey, I bought a new car!” But women have to get all MI5 whenever they pick up a new pair of shoes?

All this stealth shopping may seem to be foolish — and deceptive — exercise; but it is surprising how many women actually do it. According to Katie Dunsworth, co-author of The Smart Cookie’s Guide to Couple’s Money, not only women stealth shop. â€œMen and women are equal-opportunity over-spenders. There is a stereotype that the over-spender in a relationship is more the woman than the man but according to a University of Pennsylvania study… the average man spends $1,800 a year on shopping purchases, whereas women spend just over $1,000. Men also spend more on entertainment, electronics, dating, sports and alcohol. Women are categorized more as shoppers and less likely to spend as much on big-ticket purchases.” 

Like I said: we buy shoes. Only shoes. And more shoes.

If men really spend more than women, why do women have to skulk around hiding their loot? There is a stereotype that women have an insatiable appetite for shoes, handbags and sparkly things, but there is more to it than that. Bridget Brennan, a writer for Forbes magazine, says: “In virtually every society in the world, women have primary care-giving responsibilities for both children and the elderly (and often just about everybody else in between). In other words, a woman has her ‘invisible others.’ The list is long: in addition to buying for themselves, women buy on behalf of husbands, partners, kids, colleagues, adult children, friends, relatives, elderly parents, in-laws, their businesses, and even their kids’ friends, to name just a few. They only seem to be shopping endlessly because they shop for everybody else.”

In explaining gender-specific shopping dispositions, Rob Becker writes in his play Defending the Caveman: “Men are hunters and women are gatherers. Men go out and buy a shirt, wear it until it dies, then go out and kill another shirt. Women, in contrast, gather. They shop for this item for next Christmas for their niece and for that for their son-in-law.” Again, here is validation for a woman’s “invisible others.”

There is also a perception that men’s purchases are more necessary or useful. They do get TVs and cars and computers and gadgets that everybody in the family can use, while women get shoes and clothes, which nobody else can use except their feet and their bodies. This is probably why men feel they don’t have to go all-out Ninja about their purchases. Besides, how do you hide a flat screen TV or a car? Duh! They really have no other choice but to own up to their purchase and brave whatever kind of fireworks or histrionics await them.

Helen Racanelli, writer for Canadian Living adds: “Spouses generally lie about purchases to avoid arguments. Some feel that if their spouse found out about purchases, they would belittle them. There is a real fear of rejection and inadequacy, and the repercussions and this causes spouses to lie.” 

There’s an economic side, too: if the man is the bigger earner in the family, he feels like the de facto money manager. Says psychotherapist Olivia Mellan in Psychology Today: “When men make more money than their spouse, they believe their earnings entitle them to greater power in decision-making. By contrast, women who make more than their mates always desire decision-making. Men are trained to believe that money equals power and that power is the path to respect.” 

So, until they’re ready to pay the credit card bills, it might be woman’s fate to get creative about hiding those purchases — maybe even learning to fashion a false bottom in the trunk of their car.

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Thank you for your letters.  You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.