As time goes bye

As we miss the summer heat and drive home in flooded traffic, our minds wander to feelings of being ambushed by the sudden onset of typhoons, tuition fees and overpriced schoolbooks.

One question hangs over our heads like the storm clouds that follow them: “Where did the summer go? We thought we had more time!”

We are governed by the idea that time is somehow finite. That if don’t use it, we will lose it. Well, we lost it — precious time that might have been used to build bridges or move mountains: gone. We have no bridges to show, and the mountains are still where we left them.

I am so out of time that I risk crossing over to wasting yours. I don’t want to do that, so here are some time-saving tips for the good of all mankind:

1. To save time in the morning, do everything you need to do before you go to bed.

Shower at night. Lay tomorrow’s clothes out — no, wait, wear them to bed! Crack some eggs and prepare your breakfast. Brush your teeth, style your hair. And when you are done, sleep in the car. Do not recline the chair (that will ruin your ‘do)! Start the engine and sleep sitting up with both hands on the wheel. The moment you wake up, you will be ready to go.

What they didn’t tell me was that by the time I successfully burn all my morning routines into a pre-bed task list, the clock would read 4 a.m. This did not save time; I merely spent it sooner.

2. Have a regular place for things and put them back when you’re done with them.

Because few things waste time like the words: “Where my car keys at?”

Except maybe “Dude, where’s my car?”

Genius that I am, I one-upped this idea. Not only do I now always put things back where they were, I put everything in one place. Keys, toothbrush, comb, sandwich, wallet, TV remote: they are all mashed together in one big bowl labeled “Stuff I Use.” I call this my StuffBowlTM.

I even applied this time-saving technique to my computer desktop. I now call it my MashTopTM. And my desk at work? Two words: F**k Drawers.

Finally, I understand the impeccable logic behind the way women use their purses.

Except the time I saved is now spent frantically poring through the contents of my StuffBowlTM. And I can never find the recycle bin on my MashTopTM anymore.

Ever seen a woman fishing through her purse for her apartment keys? If she happened to be fleeing from an axe murderer, how does that story end?

The StuffBowlTM and the MashTopTM are solid, marketable concepts, but bad ideas. Trust me.

 Carry floss with you. Flossing has been cited as being more important than brushing.

Knowing this has revolutionized my life. I have removed 15 minutes of unimportant toothbrushing from my daily routine. Instead, I floss wherever I go. I floss between meals. I floss on the train to work. I floss in the middle of a client presentation. I floss in bed, and I finally understand why pajamas have a chest pocket!

1. Check your messages less.

God knows how much time (and optimism) I’ve wasted checking the fridge every 10 minutes. Message-checking has the same dynamic. So now I have set aside certain times of day when I handle all the things people throw at me over e-mail, SMS and instant messaging. I call this time “poop time” — because that is exactly when this all happens, and that is mostly what I am dealing with anyway.

2. Turn off notifications. Killing frivolous alerts saves time from diversions.

Done. I no longer need an alert to tell me when it is poop time anyway. I used to have an alert for when I had to unplug my charger. I now just unplug it when I am damned good and ready.

I have taken this same approach with alarm clocks. Since I am going to hit the snooze button anyway, I just randomly set my alarm to go off an hour after I lie down. This way I get about 40 snoozes (in nine-minute intervals) before I finally get out of bed. I am the Snooze Champ: the most well-rested man on the planet.

3. Treat a ringing phone as an alert, not as a command.

Just as my snooze alarm says, “Hey, buddy, now is an okay time to get up if you like,” a ringing phone is supposed to say “Excuse me, somebody wants to talk to you when you are ready.”

Unfortunately for most of us, it still says: “Stop! Drop whatever you are doing right now and see what this joker wants!”

I now live by this powerful concept: Alarms are suggestions. When I am in the middle of any task (read: video game) I just let the phone ring. The amount of tasks (read: games) I finish increased dramatically! If I added up the time I saved from the birthdays and wakes I missed, as well as the time I saved from having fewer friends... mind-blowing!

1. Don’t send unnecessary replies. Messages like “Thank you” and “OK” not only waste your time, they waste someone else’s.

I don’t stop there. These days, I don’t even reply to messages anymore.

Imagine that someone says “See you at six?” I don’t bother to reply “Yes.” I just go. Most of the time they don’t show up, and I just go back home. So now when someone says “Wanna meet up later?” I just outright ignore it. Major timesaver!

2. Wear headphones.

I always just used headphones to give me an excuse to ignore people, but I never imagined I could actually save time with them. Well, they do! Headphones shield me from all the unwanted noise that previously caused a plethora of unnecessary distractions that slowed me down.

I no longer let the sound of a honking horn and screeching tires stop me from crossing busy streets at my own brisk pace. I can now work through a fire drill. I am no longer confused or burdened by “suggestions” from “experts” or “instructions” from my “boss.”

3. Use all-in-one shampoo and conditioner.

I upped the ante on this one by using a liquid body wash that serves as a soap, shampoo and conditioner, as well as a lotion! Lately I have taken to just skipping bathing altogether. I put on a hat and spray a cloud of perfume over the doorway as I walk out of my apartment. Done!

There are entire websites for how to do things a little differently to save a minute of time each day, like microwaving instead of toasting. At some point you have to wonder what you are saving all this time for.

Brian Regan’s Super Secret Law of Pop-Tarts and Microwave Ovens: If you need to zap-fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

I’ve said this before, and it needs to be said again: To get more done, plan to do a lot less.