My way, or the highway

My cousin Marilou has been married to her husband Jojo for over 20 years. Jojo is a motorcycle aficionado — with Marilou’s full support — and has ridden all around the country and overseas with his bike group. We got together last weekend with friends and other cousins and, as always happens at Filipino parties, the girls somehow end up huddling together for girl talk, and the boys group together for whatever it is they talk about.

Each group kept within hearing distance of the other and, from across our seats, we heard Jojo say to the boys, “We are planning our next ride to Tibet.”

Marilou turned to me and said with a little chuckle, “Cousin, did you hear that: Tibet? That’s his way of asking permission from me.” She seemed more thrilled than he was. Husband and wife then flashed each other knowing smiles. They have always had that kind of connection; it’s precious.

I considered this afterward, and realized that some men I know do resort to this tactic: broaching plans to their partners in the presence of others to avoid confrontation or engagement, which may lead to an immediate veto. I’m guessing that men hope whatever violent opposition women might initially have will be diluted if they are only able to confront their guys later. It is a clever move — let’s call it “reinforce and reveal” — because time tempers even the most intense of emotions and reactions; unless, of course, the woman is a real bitch and says “no” for no other reason than to punish the man.

A male cousin told me that it isn’t always the case. Often, he said, men hatch plans in their heads and let them simmer in there, making a mental blueprint before talking about them — and sometimes, in the company of others, the truth happens to slip out because of excitement.

I responded: “Meh! Nice try, but that argument doesn’t really fly. Is that the excuse you give your wife when you fail to inform her first before you tell others?”

“Whatever,” he said.

I have another friend whose relationship was in a terrible place at the time and he simply didn’t inform his wife about anything. He didn’t worry about not getting permission; he just didn’t care. He was going to proceed with his plans anyway. So, surrounded by friends during a party at his home, he said in a louder-than-usual voice, as his wife was a few seats away, that he was leaving for the States to take a race-driving course.

“What did she say?” I asked.

“Nothing, just made her usual ‘sour face,’ but it wouldn’t have mattered because I was leaving anyway.” And he did leave and that marriage ended not long after.

In other words, this reinforce-and-reveal tactic is not a good indicator of whether a relationship is good or has gone bad. It’s just a thing that men do. I brought this up with other male friends and they had a lot to say.  First, they all agreed that it’s a patented “male” move — a favorite of theirs, in fact. I get it; women’s thought processes are often verbal — we speak as we think — so the whole world knows the inside workings of our brain. Our plans hatch with blow-by-blow annotations.

I asked why it’s a favorite male move and one guy told me, “We spent half of our lives asking permission from parents. There’s no way we’re going there again.”

“But she’s your wife,” I reasoned. â€œDoesn’t she have a right to know? Isn’t she entitled to an opinion?”

“Exactly! That’s why we say it in public so there are witnesses.” I fought the urge to do a knee-in-the-nuts move on this crazy friend.

Yet another friend said, “Women like the following words: discuss, confer, decide, assess, brainstorm. But it’s very simple: we pay, therefore we do.”

“Meanie,” I said. â€œIt’s supposed to be a partnership.  You’ll sabotage it if you’re like that.”

“Nah, she can’t leave me,” was the quick reply.

My third friend put in his two cents: “All women are jealous — period — and not just of other women. If they’re not included in the plans, they go ballistic. Who wants to waste time discussing if we know we’re going to do it anyway, whatever they say? Only honeymooners go through that exercise. My rule in life is: keep it simple; keep it to yourself.”

I remember this story about a well-known businessman. He and his wife had been at odds as to where to send their children to school. He wanted to keep them in traditional schools because of the reasonable tuition rates, while she wanted them in an international school. He tried the move at a Christmas party they hosted, raising the subject in front of everyone. But it backfired: guests jumped into the argument, citing the merits of each side. The move failed. She gave a resounding “no” to traditional schooling in front of everyone. They argued for months until, one day, he drove up in a brand-new, silver Porsche. No more budget for international school tuition fees.  End of story.

Another male friend, who begged anonymity, had this to say: “I tend to do that because sometimes, you know, I don’t like being in the position of asking permission. She gave me this New Age voodoo s*** about how she feels appreciated if we discuss plans together, how she feels important if I let her know, etc.  Tedious. I just go ahead and do my thing.”

“What about trips? Of course she’ll look for you. You can’t just disappear. What if she locks you out?”

“That’s the reason I mention it in front of others. It’s called insurance.”

This reinforce-and-reveal tactic seems to be yet another “trick” in the how-to-deal-with-women book constantly being written and rewritten by men. They probably think that it makes life is easier. But does it really? Is it foolproof? I doubt it. I know quite a few ways around this tactic, but that’s for female ears only. We do have a number of tricks up our sleeves as well. Just so you know.

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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.