Your genitals irritate me (Or true love through spells and potions)

For all the lonely No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) and DOMs who cannot win over a woman’s favor through courtship or carino brutal or credit card this holiday season, it might be high time for them to resort to more — ahem — exotic measures.

Here’s a little preview from my upcoming book through Anvil Publishing in which I interview spell casters and potion makers and how exotic ingredients — like Barbie dolls, battery parts and bodily fluids — can be put to good use.

SPELLING IT OUT

RJ LEDESMA: By employing your customized love spells, does that mean you can make absolutely anybody fall in love with you? Man or woman? Attached or unattached? Housebroken or not housebroken?

SPELLING BEE: Of course.  My definition of making someone fall in love with you is an act of magic in itself. 

(DOM representative: Can you cast several spells on several women at the same time?)

The answer is yes, but I would describe you as a very irresponsible and immoral person. It’s not my fault that you used my spell. It’s your fault.

(DOM representative: What’s your point?)

How do you know that it’s time employ love spells in winning the woman’s heart? When she no longer replies to your texts? When bribing her yaya no longer works? When she has impaled you on a stake and left you for dead?

It’s intuitive. If someone has a crush on a person and cannot catch that person’s attention through ordinary means, then magic can be involved. But having said that, the person who casts the spell must continue with that burden of responsibility. You don’t cast a spell and leave it at that. You must work hard to keep the relationship going.

That’s what I tell my wife. I noticed that your love spells often involve the use of the color red. Is that because true love is a fashionista? 

That’s because of the heart chakra (Sanskrit for “disc,” chakras are energy centers for the human body. — RJ) which is green on the outside, but when it is unfolded it is pink inside. The color pink is associated with love, and affection and nurturing. That is why most of the colors used are of that nature.

I always use my pink parts to express affection. I noticed you required dolls and stuffed toys and action figures for your love spells. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do what your spell required me to do with the Dora the Explorer doll.

You can even make a doll out of clay. You gouge a hole in the stomach or heart area of your clay doll, and then put inside something of yourself — such as saliva or semen or blood.

A lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) are going to enjoy making clay statues. 

Then make sure to cover up the hole again. That doll is what you call an elementary. An elementary can be used like a servant that can travel astrally to perform duties. For example, you can tell an elementary to please go to your friend whom you are supposed to meet and tell him you’re going to be late for one hour.  

Your friends may never come because they’re having too much of a good time producing the clay dolls. How exactly does a kulam affect the target of the love spell? Does it make them irrational? Does it brainwash them?Does it make them dance Gangnam Style against their will?

No. It makes you, the spell caster, become a more loving person. (When you conduct a spell) this is the image of yourself that you communicate to the person and that is what the person will pick up. There is no such thing as consoling or manipulating someone else.

But how do you know if you are really in love with that person or you were the subject of a kulam? I noticed kasi that my yaya has a doll in her room that strangely resembles me.

Well, you can’t. Because a kulam simply jumpstarts something. What counts, in the final analysis, is how sincere the relationship has become: how it is developing, what direction it is taking and what is the quality of the relationship. In which case, the magical spell no longer really counts.

Ah, I see. So you have to eventually graduate from kulam. And then learn how to use gayuma. Are there any love spells out there that don’t require snout of pig or tongue of dog or other anatomical pink parts of animals?

Here’s a spell you can perform on your cell phone:

Step 1:  You need to obtain a new SIM card for this one so that your name doesn’t show up when you send the prescribed messages to the woman you are wooing.

(DOM representative: Sanay ako diyan [I’m used to that]).

Step 2: Encode the message “YOU ARE DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME” and send it to the woman seven times at seven-minute intervals.

Step 3: If the woman responds, merely reply, “sor1 4got 2 lock my fone n pocket.” Note how the word “sorry” is deliberately misspelled, so that all numbers in the message add up to seven.

Step 4: Keep the reply in your inbox for the next seven days.

That love spell will make the NTC seriously reconsider the ban on importing cellphone jammers in the country. Why the repetitive use of the number seven in the spell?

Seven is the number of divinity.

You probably would need divine intervention if you were as lucky as the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) out there. And finally, how do you to protect yourself from a love spell.

Yes, it’s called tawas (alum).

I see. Antiperspirant is really the ultimate protection. Your armpits will never lie. 

GAYUMA ATTACK

For the sake of my gayuma-addled three female readers, what exactly is a gayuma? And does the Department of Health and the Population Commission know what you are doing?

GAYUMASTER: A gayuma is a pang-halina (entices you), a “pampa-amo” (makes you subservient), a “pampa-lubag loog” (makes you feel consoled) or a “pampa-addict” (makes you addicted).  It is a potion composed of herbs and ingredients that will make someone fall in love with you to the point of addiction.  When somebody is under the influence of a gayuma, he or she will always look for you.

Wow. So you can make yourself your own illegal substance.

But you also mix it with certain liquids from the body.  It can be tears or sweat or…

I get the picture. I actually feel some bodily fluids traveling out of my stomach and into my mouth right now. How exactly does a gayuma work?

A gayuma works in three ways. First, the gayuma’s chemical composition works on our brain and nervous system. Second, the gayuma works on the mental and emotional aspect of the person. Third, the attributes of a specific plant used in the gayuma work on the human body. Note that when concocting a gayuma, the formulations have to be correct and complete or else the gayuma will not perform its intended function. For example, if the gayuma is not mixed correctly, then the person who receives the gayuma will not look for you out of love, but merely look for you.

That sounds just like my yaya. Is it difficult to make a gayuma? Do I need some measuring cups? Some betsin (MSG)? Some pre-selected bodily fluid?

Making a gayuma is like cooking. It’s not like sinigang where you just throw all the ingredients into the mix.  There is a system. First is the mineral, which is the base of the gayuma, then the plant, and then finally the animal.

This was not how they taught me about food groups in grade school.

Each of these ingredients must be apportioned properly. Sometimes a gayuma requires one part mineral to three parts plant to three parts animal and then one part bodily fluid.

Hopefully it is a bodily fluid that will not require an act of contrition. For the benefit of future Harry Potters and soon-to-be DOMs, run me through the creation of a typical gayuma. How do we make a gayuma and what would be its typical effects on the intended target?

Most gayumas are “pampa-amo” (make you subservient). The lowest form of a gayuma that is a “pampa-amo” is to make you relax or a “pampa-kalma” (calming). The second is to entice or a “pampa-akit” (to make you more attractive) or a “pampa-gana” (gives you more of an, er, appetite). And the most potent form of this type of gayuma is when you are sunud-sunuran (blindly following), so much so that if he or she asks you to jump off a building, you won’t hesitate to do it.

Thank God we just live on the ground floor.

From the garden-variety gayuma up to the jumping-off-the-building variety gayuma, there is always a base ingredient — which is the mineral. The mineral is the “battery” of the potion. Let’s say you want to “arouse” a person; the “battery” is iron phosphate — just like the iron phosphate you find in multivitamins.

So that’s why my wife is stocking up on them. I thought that she was a health buff.

(You wish. — RJ’s wife)

Iron phosphate is a carrier of oxygen into our system. The more oxygen you have in your system, the more efficacious the gayuma. Meanwhile, the plant ingredient is reed canary grass or the flowering portion of the taheebo. Finally, the animal ingredient is the kuko (nails) of the dove.

Hmm, all the ingredients seem reasonably accessible. Now all we have to do is find out where doves like to cut their nails.

What does the kuko of the dove do? This serves as an irritant for the genitals of the target.

The only thing from a dove that’s coming near my genitals is a bar of soap.

The purpose of the taheebo is to get you more excitable. However, the taheebo might only excite the brain or increase the adrenaline. To make sure the gayuma makes the target more libidinous we use the animal ingredient. But to make sure that the targets feels libidinous towards you, you have to add some of your bodily fluids to the formulation.

I never realized my bodily fluids could be so attractive.

There are three forms of gayumas: One that is aerial and that you can blow towards your intended target. Another form of gayuma is one that you need to rub in certain parts of the target’s body. And the last form is one that can be drunk by the target. These gayumas are all different and their application depends on your diskarte (strategy).

Hmmm, I’m not quite sure what type of diskarte you can use with any of these three gayumas that will not get you arrested.

For example, if you don’t know the person, I doubt that you will be able to get the person to drink the gayuma upon meeting them. So you will need to use the gayuma rub or balm.

So you “accidentally” rub the balm on the target without them knowing? (My three female readers, you have been forewarned: Please wear a suit of armor the next time you wade through crowded holiday areas.)

We actually experimented on that with one of my last few potion-making students in Cebu.  We prepared a gayuma and initially tried it on ourselves. Ayun, it hit us and made us quite — ahem — amorous for each other especially since there was no one else in the room. Panget (That was ugly).

I’m sure your wife breathed a sigh of relief that nothing happened between you and your female student.

This student was a guy. (Laughs)

(RJ suddenly feels his gonads retract into his intestines.)

(Laughs) Don’t worry. (Gayumaster casually tries to sling his arm around RJ’s neck.)

(Whimpers) Okaaaay, I think we can end this interview now.  (RJ calls his yaya): Yaya, uwi na ako. (I am going home now). Please prepare my bath. And for the base ingredient of my bath, please use muriatic acid.

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For comments or suggestions or some exotic bodily fluids, please e-mail Ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.  Follow @rjled on Twitter.