There is a reason that I can watch sculpted men parading in thong underwear during a fashion show.
You see, aside from my dream of become a gajillionaire, multi-platinum singer, matinee idol, Catholic Mass Media Awardee for journalism, ascended yoga guru and superhero, I also dream of becoming a male underwear model.
I, too, dream of taking to the catwalk dressed in underwear that is only observable through a microscope while being jeered (este, cheered) by thongs (este, throngs) of adoring imaginary female fans. And my yaya. Just like those other male underwear models, my body is also sculpted. Out of PlayDoh.
It is because of this pipe dream, this obsession of mine, this sign of dementia, that I am trying to pick up tips (no, no, not the tips that you insert into the garter of thong underwear) from these male underwear models. In fact, during my downtime I like to pose in front of my wife’s full-length three-sided closet mirror where I spray-paint abs, suck in my cheeks (both sets of them), put on my model scowl and then let it all hang out. Except, of course, for the part that is well hung.
And you know what? I could very well be the most relatable underwear male model around. Because my body — with abs built from 100 sit-ups a year, man boobs with a disproportionate amount of hair growing around my right nipple and stretch marks in areas best kept from public view — represents the body of the Common Man.
So as I practice my ability to paint on henna tattoo abs, here are my tips for other wanna be male underwear models who want to watch a male underwear show where there is no fat, no shame and no outer garments from a purely anthropological perspective.
HOW TO ENJOY MALES IN UNDERWEAR WITHOUT EVEN CRYING
• To avoid psychological counseling, drag your significant other with you to the show. If she loves you, she will tell you exactly when to cover your eyes and when to open them again. Remember, her precise timing is key to a healthy mental state. Keep your eyes open long enough, and you can pick up enough visual information about how to scowl while wearing underwear. But if you accidentally open your eyes to gawk at a male model exposing the fruits of his loom too soon, this can lead to bangungot, regurgitated meals and issues of inadequacy. However, if you have a loving wife like mine, who has wanted sweet revenge on me ever since I started making her carino brutal in this column, then she will wait until the last possible second for a well-endowed male model to thrust his Brazilian wax in my face. Not even sticking hot pokers in your eyes will erase that thrust from your memory. But it helps.
• If you have to look at men in underwear, then try to distract yourself. Me, I like to wrap barbed wire around my thighs as a form of self-mortification. But if you don’t have any spare barbed wire, you can always replace mortification with anger. I get angry when I see well-oiled men with defined musculature wearing underwear two sizes too small, unfairly bloating their disproportionate anatomy to a packed audience. “Damn them!” I think, “I could have been the one exposing my disproportionate anatomy at them!” I was so angry that I even had to remind my wife as she blinded a Brazilian model with several hundred photos. “Nothing is for real in showbiz, sweetheart. So please refrain from making any mental comparisons.”
• The secret to a good performance in an underwear show is to pretend that you aren’t wearing any. One of the male models and his crotch came strutting onstage wearing skimpy orange underwear. During his whole performance, He would repeatedly raise his hands in the air and point down at this crotch as if his crotch could not already call any attention to itself. To gain more support for this crotch, he blew kisses into the audience. I could feel his balbas from a hundred feet away. Then once his crotch was so popular that it could put up its own party list group, he took center stage and unbuckled his underwear to reveal skimpier black underwear that looked like it had been put together with dental floss. Before he departed the stage, the model took one more knowing look at the audience. That worried me. If that look meant he would remove any more of his underwear, I just might go blind (Note: At this point of the show, my wife was too busy taking pictures to tell me when to close my eyes).
Strangely enough, there was one point during the recent Bench Universe underwear show when pairs of naked men on stage danced inside glass cages while covering their crotches. Were these men trying to be conservative? Such thoughts left me even more confused. But strangely relieved at the same time.
• An underwear show is one of the best places to scout ideas for a superhero costume. As all comic book geeks know, only the most powerful and psychologically imbalanced of superheroes have worn their underwear on the outside of their pants since the 1940s. However, the more fashion-forward superheroes do away with pants, shirts and dignity altogether. These male models made it very clear that their superpowers were ensconced in their briefs. In fact, all of the male underwear models slash superhero wannabes were heavily protected in all of their body parts save for their offensive weapons. They came onstage decked out in Bane-inspired facial masks, two-foot-high white mohawks, spiky shoulder pads, claws for hands, plastic wings, feather boas and their secret weapon: glitter underwear. Even Doctor Doom would flee at the site of glitter underwear.
I was about to go into a seizure at the sight of so much glitter when one of the whey protein-enhanced models, who had hypnotized the audience with his massive pectorals while twiddling with the garter of his thong (not that I was really paying attention) tossed his underwear in my direction. That is when all nine circles of Hell broke loose! Do you realize how many thousands of women and gay men I had to fight off just to keep the thong for anthropological purposes!?
Just remember to take those additional injections of testosterone when you get home after watching the show. Then practice sucking in those cheeks.
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For comments, suggestions or used thong underwear, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. Follow @rjled on Twitter!