Sometimes love just ain't enough

Because getting a date can be as elusive for members of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs), the Big Time Bigo Sa Pag Ibig (BTBP) and DOMs as 82-dollar accounts, the three groups have formed a coalition that has threatened me and my pink parts with bodily harm unless I bring back Coach Pia Acevedo of the Love Institute to help them splendor their thing, este, with the many splendored thing that is love.

 PHILIPPINE STAR: Coach Pia, do you think romantic movies like A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, Say Anything, There’s Something About Mary and Good Luck Chuck have improved the diskarte of heathen male bachelors when it comes to panliligaw? 

“LOVE COACH” PIA ACEVEDO: I think they have had no positive effect on love and relationships. (Laughs) If anything, they have given us expectations when it comes to dating — even in the context of an exclusive relationship — that it should turn out just like the movies. This is not realistic.

(DOM representative: What!? You mean it’s not possible to hook up with both Anne Curtis AND Cristine Reyes?)

(Imaginary Derek Ramsay: Not unless you got these six-packs abs, bro.) 

(RJ’s three female readers: Derek, can we have one of your packs for ulam?)

A lot of the time, the nurturing and intimacy between two people is really very personal and not as celebratory as the way the movies make it out to be.

(NGSB representative: You mean to say that when you are getting intimate with the opposite sex, these is no background music that starts playing?)

(DOM representative: Bring your own iPod and speakers. You can borrow my playlist.)

For you to last a lifetime committed to another human being is a very spiritual process. If there is no connection, then it won’t last for a lifetime. It will just be a relationship that will come and go.

(DOM representative: I hope somebody is going to connect with me soon before I become a spirit.)

For example, movies like Sixteen Candles romanticized the idea that you have to be rebellious against your parents to find your true love. It glorifies the “you and me against the world” relationship which is not really something you should be looking for. You still have to have a life with your family and you will have a life with your in-laws, no matter what you pretend to feel about it.

(DOM representative: I’ve had that unfortunate experience “you and me against the world” as well.)

(To DOM): Your relationship was more like “you and me against the DSWD.”

True love is realizing that it’s not exactly what you intended a relationship to be like, but you still decide to stay. A lot of the time romantic movies show love the way that it is “intended to be,” but honestly it’s not going to be that way. Eventually, the honeymoon period will die down, and that is when you will have to choose to be there. That is what true love is about.

(DOM representative: That’s why my favorite movie about true love is Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo.)

(NGSB representative: Mine is The Forty-Year-Old Virgin.)

So Coach Pia, I guess listening repetitively to overly sentimental songs like Heaven Knows, Open Arms and Endless Love also have the mutant ability to turn men into hopeless romantics as well?

There are two aspects to sentimental songs that I agree and disagree with. From a cultural perspective, I would say sentimental songs help us identify with each other as a nation. 

Songs by Ric Segredo, April Boy Regino and Aegis are my karaoke national anthems.

At the same time these songs are romanticized, particularly by the youth, to the point where they feel love should be about “it’s just you and me against the world” or “without you I’m nothing.”

(Cue: Country version of How Can I Live Without You in the background.)

But songs like Ngayon at Kailanman, for example, come from a deeper place. On the surface, you might think that it’s about “you and me against the world,” but you need to look at the story behind it. The song is really about a person committing to someone even when times get tough. And even beyond this life, that person will still continue to love you.

(The DJ switches the background music to Unchained Melody.)

We need to be very intelligent when we look at the lyrics of the song, we can’t just take them at face value. Unfortunately, not so many people really examine the lyrics. They just want to interpret the song and “feel” the way the song makes them feel. 

But if I don’t interpret the song the way that it makes me feel, how will I ever score 99 in the karaoke?

That’s why parang kapusukan ng kalooban comes first instead of a better understanding of the relationship. Sometimes it is either the person decides to leave or to fight for the relationship. But relationships are not about that. They are about understanding what is best for the person that you love and if your relationship with that person is providing what is best for them. Because if the relationship is not what is best for them, then you really have to let that person go.

(DOM representative: That is why the only songs that I listen to are Let’s Get It On, Sexual Healing and I’ll Make Love to You.)

(To DOM): Haven’t you learned from the last time you were arrested? Coach Pia, it appears that Pinoy men have more hangs-ups than the Chinese have over the South China Sea when it comes to relationships. 

One of the most common hang-ups for men is that their wife should always remain physically attractive. It’s a hang-up because the man doesn’t allow the relationship a chance to grow because they find themselves no longer physically attracted to their spouse and make excuses not to continue their commitment with her.

I think wives are legally allowed to hang up their husbands by their testicles if the thought that she is no longer attractive crosses their minds.

Another common hang-up is that husbands should be more successful than their wives. It is hard for men to accept that their wives are earning more money than them just because they feel that it is their responsibility as the male in the family. The man must think of the relationship as a whole.

It doesn’t emasculate me at all that my wife earns more money than me. What is important in our relationship is that there is someone who is financing my weekly comic book addiction.

Another hang-up among men is still being so attached to their barkada even after they’ve gotten married. They don’t allow their wives into their barkada as well.

But a lot of these men were surgically attached to their barkada during their adolescent years! These were the men whom they grew pubic hair, got circumcised and shared girlie magazines together with!

I’m not blaming the men because there are a lot of women who don’t find the recreational activities attractive. However, the key to a long-lasting relationship is that the wife gets into the recreational activities of their husband so that they feel really connected. What often happens is that the husband clings on to his male friends because he only finds recreation with them instead of continuing to be intimate and sharing everything with his wife.

I believe it is better to be intimate with your wife then to be intimate with your barkada. Even if you shared girlie magazines with them. But what if the man has testosterone-heavy hobbies like cars and basketball and mixed marital arts other things that can put hair on your chest? Should the wife get into those activities as well?

The wife should get into it. There’s nothing wrong with liking recreational activities associated with men. What we’ve seen through studies is that recreational companionship is very important for men. It is really, really good for the relationship if the spouses share the passion for the same recreational activities. Men want to know that they can be themselves and enjoy their recreational activities in front of their wives.

As long as my wife doesn’t grow hair on her chest, then she’s welcome to join me in any of my recreational activities. She’s welcome to subsidize them as well. Coach, why do some men naman find it so hard to enter into a committed relationship?

They’re not admitting it, but there is something that happened in their childhood that is not allowing them to look forward to committing to a person in an exclusive relationship. So there was an experience with a mother figure — the mother, the lola, the tita — that was not a good thing. The result is that they’re not looking forward to committing themselves in a loving relationship with a woman.

(RJ’s thought: Hmm… Could the constant shuffling of yayas while growing up have made one initially non-committal…?) What is your love advice for the incorrigible DOMs who treat this column as a bible? 

Why, are they looking for love? (Laughs)

(DOM representative: We’re looking for a pulse.)

If he is looking for comfort and nurturing in someone who is much younger than him, then he should look again at the reasons behind that. There is always something deeper for someone who is 60 years old dressing up like he is 30 years old. What is actually happening is that he is rejecting himself.

(DOM representative: You mean I’m already rejected by women, then I’m being rejected by myself pa?)

He is pretending to be younger when in fact he is an older and much more mature man. That means that there are some things that are unresolved in his life. He should look at how he was raised and his relationship with the parental figures in his life — be it parents or older siblings — because there are unresolved issues and that’s why looking younger is a form of rebellion. He doesn’t want to look older because he doesn’t want to look like the people who were older when he was young. He doesn’t want to look like his authority figures.

(DOM representative: So I should stop wearing low waist jeans, baby tees and nipple rings?)

And what is your love advice for my legion of hopelessly NGSB fans?

The first piece of advice is to be very aware of the kind of signal you are sending out to women. 

(NGSB representative: I think the signal that I’m sending out is an S.O.S.)

Are you confident enough? Are you expressing yourself well? Are you communicating with confidence not only with your words but also with your posture? Do you look too needy? Too emotional? Too clingy? These are the signs that your self-esteem needs work. So be ready to ask yourselves the hard questions.

(NGSB representative: Wala ba yang kodigo?)

What is the perception that they are giving off to women that is making me unattractive to them? Do I look too childlike, do I look like a mama’s boy? Those are things that are unattractive for a woman.

(NGSB representative: I may look too childlike because my urologist says my testicles have not descended yet.)

Generally, women are attracted to men who are more independent in their thinking and in their expression, men who have a clear sense of individuality.

(NGSB representative: I agree with you, coach. As long as Mama gets to choose the girls I go out with, that’s fine.) 

So for the NGSBs, be ready to hear feedback from your friends who are girls...

If you have any aside from those related to you.

Ask them to tell you why you belong in the “friend zone” only. Is it how you carry yourself? How you speak? How you look? How you dress? How you walk? All of these things can potentially turn women off.

(NGSB representative: At least I have potential.)

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For comments, suggestions or a used pair of nipple rings, please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.  Follow rjled on Twitter.