Punish my spouse

There are many things that mankind should be afraid of in 2012. The verdict of the Corona impeachment trial. An impending economic global debt crisis. The possibility of limited nuclear conflict with North Korea and Iran. The end of the world as per the Mayan calendar. And PMS.

PMS can alternatively stand for “premenstrual syndrome” or “preposterous mood swings” or “punish my spouse,” but I think the catch-all phrase that captures the spectrum of definitions for PMS is “permissible manslaughter” (and the operative word here is “slaughter”).

For the woefully (but I daresay blissfully) ignorant male heathen population who are unaware of the phenomenon of PMS, this refers to a consistent pattern of physical and emotional symptoms that occur only during the second half of a woman’s menstrual cycle that has the capability of interfering with some aspects of a woman’s daily life and sufficiently damaging the vital organs of that woman’s partner as well. The specific emotional and physical symptoms attributable of PMS vary from woman to woman, but it occurs consistently during the 10 days prior to menses or the end of the world (whichever comes first), and vanishes either shortly before or shortly after the start of menstrual flow.

Those of us who are in loving and long-term relationships (as both adjectives need not be mutually exclusive) may know PMS by another term. And that is “God’s wrath upon man.” The most commonly described emotional PMS symptoms are irritability, tension and unhappiness which occur during the second half of her period (Under de Saya [UDS] hubby’s note: What!? You mean this is only supposed to happen periodically!?) and is consistently 10 days prior to her menses (during those 10 days, it is prudent for men to memorize the emergency numbers of the National Disaster and Risk Reduction Coordinating Council so they are aware of where they can seek temporary shelter). PMS finally vanishes either shortly before or after the start of the menstrual flow or the world’s end, whichever comes first.

Apparently, up to 85 percent of women of child-bearing age report PMS-like symptoms. Consequently, 85 percent of men of men with long-term female partners know the wrath of God and have the lack of vital organs to prove it. But remember, my dear heathens, that PMS is just like a woman’s divine and dogmatic anger. PMS is something that you must just learn to accept, the same as you learn to accept vaccinations and circumcisions and vasectomies.

I first became familiar with the wrath several years ago when I was dating my then-girlfriend, via a long-distance relationship (But I assure you that the distance was not a factor in experiencing the full force of PMS). We were dating during pre-Skype days. You know, those days when dinosaurs used to roam freely across EDSA? Back in those days, we had to use all possible means to constantly stay in touch without racking up a communications bill that would be enough to finance the national debt. However, during a certain period in the month — when I failed to answer e-mail messages every hour or reply to her texts every 15 minutes or send her a telepathic message every three minutes — I was afraid that she might use her period as a reason to PMS me.

And she might even get away with it.

You see, my heathens and my fellow UDSs, the wrath of God has actually been used as a mitigating factor to decrease murder charges.

In a Canadian murder trial, a psychiatrist for the defense was actually willing to testify that a woman was insane on the grounds of PMS, which falls within the Canadian legal definition of insanity. The jury eventually found the woman guilty only of manslaughter because they reasoned that PMS diminished her responsibility and negated the intent requisite for murder. In the United Kingdom, 29-year-old barmaid Sandie Craddock escaped murder charges after stabbing her co-worker to death because she pleaded diminished responsibility, also due to PMS. The judge accepted the argument that PMS was a mitigating factor in the incident because it turned Craddock’s “into a raging animal each month.” A review of Craddock’s diaries revealed that each of her past 30 convictions and multiple suicide attempts occurred at roughly the same time as her PMS. She was placed on probation and ordered to take progesterone treatment.

And after a fight with her lover who was (tsk, tsk) a married man, 20-year-old Christian English of the United Kingdom made her lover intimate with a lamppost by ramming him against it. The lamppost sustained grave injuries. During the trial, English’s defense was that she had an aggravated form of PMS (they even called it “extreme” PMS — which sounds like a really bad reality show), that contributed to a drop in her blood sugar levels and an overproduction of adrenalin before the incident. The court held that she had acted under “wholly exceptional circumstances” and the charges were reduced to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility due to PMS (If this legal perspective was adapted in the Philippines, we would be seeing a lot of paraplegic married men around Metro Manila).

But even more mortifying than being rammed into a pole repeatedly is the revelation that men — yes, men — could worsen a woman’s PMS (apparently, men are already responsible for all other problems already, so exacerbating PMS is just cream cheese frosting. This is our penance for having dangling appendage). Preliminary research by Jane Ussher, an Australian professor of women’s health psychology at the University of Western Sydney, showed that women in heterosexual relationships suffer a more exacerbated form of PMS versus women who are in same-sex relationships. In an earlier study conducted by Professor Ussher, she discovered that when women were asked to talk about PMS, they would end up complaining about their boyfriends instead (an example of a woman’s divine anger at work).

Ussher observed: “Rather than reporting (PMS) symptoms, women gave an account invariably of an issue with their partner. How is it a woman attributes a problem to PMS when often (it is) really a quite reasonable reason to be upset or angry or frustrated about what’s happening in the relationship?”

However, women in same-sex relationships reported the same type of PMS symptoms but experienced less stress. According to Ussher, “Women in lesbian relationships feel much more distressed by their symptoms even though they’re at the same level, and they feel much more able to cope.”

Does this mean that women in heterosexual relationships should learn how to reproduce asexually or that men in heterosexual relationships should just be shot up full of estrogen (or just shot)? What should we of the dangling appendages do to prevent ourselves from becoming hood ornaments during 10-day-long wraths?

Apparently, we need to go back and take remedial biology classes. Because, as Dr. Sue Reddish, the medical director of Australia’s Jean Hailes Medical Center for Women, says men need to be better educated about the female reproductive system from boyhood. Professor Ussher added, “Young men seem to know about PMS but to them it’s a big joke. They have a girlfriend and she’s in bad mood because of her PMS. They don’t understand how disabling and devastating it can be.”

I wanted to clutch onto Ussher and burst into tears when she said, “Male partners particularly don’t know what to do. They report they feel confused, they feel that whatever they say is wrong. A lot of them just don’t understand how it can be happening. Some of the men feel quite helpless.” I am sure many men feel quite helpless when they are rammed against a pole.

When I was still a heathen bachelor, I was an admittedly ignorant male when it came to the female reproductive system (although I knew enough to tell you where you could find the reproductive system in the female anatomy). You see, as I was educated in an “all-boys” Catholic school and the only female reproductive education I received (aside from Playboy magazines that my classmates purchased from the PX stores in Olongapo) was through animated features where the female genitalia was represented by cartoon characters performing song and dance numbers to explain menstruation. Up to today, I am still undergoing therapy for that. Sometimes, I still harbor a lingering fear that my own genitalia might break out into song.

So to prevent any permissible manslaughter, I did a little research. I discovered that my then-girlfriend (now wife) was not experiencing PMS at that time, but rather she was ovulating. Ovulation (or as I recall from my grade school days, a character known as “Ovie Wovie”) is a time after a woman’s period when she also undergoes mood swings coupled with an increase in libido and a desire to be with a partner. Ah, the desire to be with your loved one coupled with increased libido and mood swings: that is enough to make any man partnered with a woman of child-bearing age feel both elated and petrified at the same time.

So, for those of the dangling appendages out there who want to maintain a loving, long-term and injury-free relationship with their female partners who undergo PMS (or even ovulation issues), I suggest the couple undergo relationship counseling while the male wears protective clothing. Or the man can always try running away. And if that doesn’t work, then the man can always try hara-kiri. Things might look better after that.

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You are invited! My newest humor book, It Only Hurts When I Pee: RJ Ledesma’s Guide to Bodily Gases, Hair Loss and Pink Parts, will have a book launch on Feb. 20 (Monday) 6 p.m. at Powerbooks in Greenbelt! I hope to see you and your yaya there!