Booty language

As I attempt to write this column, my right arm is wrapped in a fiberglass cast because I inadvertently injured my right wrist. In a skateboarding accident.

Yes, skateboarding.

Oh, don’t be so ageist. Just because I have come to an age group that can be generally rounded to 40, just because the hair on my scalp does not regenerate as fast as I would like it to, and just because I can watch pornographic material without seeking my parents’ approval, it doesn’t mean that I’m old. It just means I’m regressing.

And for your information, my three female readers, I was skateboarding as part of a segment on my show (Warning: shameless plug ahead) GMA News TV’s Best Men. I have done more shameless things on the show like witnessing a manunuli take his instrument to a grown man’s foreskin or ballroom dancing in a body-hugging sequined shirt that exposed my cleavage all the way to my bellybutton. But this was the only segment that has caused me long-term physical harm.

Due to my condition, I will not be able to generate brand new drivel for you this week. So I hope you don’t mind that I peddle some regurgitated drivel by talking about body parts — damaged, fractured, abused or otherwise – from my new book It Only Hurts When I Pee: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Bodily Gases, Hair Loss and Pink Parts.

(Warning: A lot of pink parts will be flashed in this column.)

Turn It Off

The female brain is hardwired to look for two opposite requirements — hardness and softness. Hardness means her chosen mate displayed virtues that would provide the best possible genetic inheritance for her offspring and give them a greater chance of survival. If you are at a loss for examples of hard men, think Robin (not Rustom) Padilla, Bong Revilla, and of the man who probably has slain his share of dinosaur chickens — Eddie Garcia. These are the type of men women want when they are ovulating.  

Women want men with hyper-masculine features during the peak of their ovulation: deep-set eyes, low-set eyebrows, a large chin, very hairy bodies and a deep husky voice. So not only should you look like a cross between Frankenstein and a werewolf, but you must also sound like Vin Diesel (or Benjie Paras). This is the reason why champion boxers, weight lifters and aging comedians are often able to bag the jaw-dropping model-type women.  

Aside from being magnetically attracted to someone who resembles Captain Caveman, another way that a woman identifies hardness is through a man’s body symmetry — the way the left side of the body mirrors the right side of the body with even-length limbs. The more symmetrical your limbs are, the better your chance at getting a booty call.

But how can men quickly address this problem of asymmetry? Simple. Next time, try using your left arm.

Butt I Digress

 It’s about time that the buttocks area gets the smack-dabbing attention it so justly deserves.  

Despite being the only other pair of spherical objects on the female anatomy, the behind has been unfairly targeted as the “butt of jokes.” But why do rear ends deserve such shabby treatment while the other set of spherical objects get all the praise? Why do people crudely remark “Kiss my butt!” instead of saying “Kiss my breasts!”? Why is it always the breasts that get more adulation, more attention, and more silicone? 

Why Men Lie and Women Cry clearly illustrated this anatomical discrimination: the female behind is way behind the female breasts. The rump (or as the book more diplomatically describes it, “hemispherical buttocks”) is ranked three times lower than the twin bumps (or full breasts) in terms of what attracts the attention of ogle-happy Martians. Why is there such a big discrepancy between these two sets of body parts when all it boils down to is just a matter of fat? Or, for some, the lack of it.     

According to The Naked Woman (a great book with a lotta pictures), an examination of the female breasts reveals that most of its bulk of is made up of fat tissue, while only a small part of the breast is involved in milk production. The rounded shape of the breast is actually created by fat tissue. Meanwhile, the buttocks are formed by masses of gluteal muscles, or “glutes,” upon which sits a layer of fat. The Science of Female Beauty tells us that the buns are the chief repositories of fat for the post-pubescent female. And (depending on how you look at it), an undesirable consequence of this fact is cellulite, or the irregular despot — I mean “deposit” — of fat is estimated to occur in 95 percent of women over the age of 25. Before you plan on strangling nature for the wrath of cellulite, there is a reason for this despot: the buns store excess amounts of fat for use in breast-feeding and also as an emergency food storage in lean times, which is similar to a camel’s hump (a hump, a hump, a hump, a lovely camel hump…). 

The female breasts’ popularity actually owe a lot to the buns. According to ethologist Desmond Morris, when our ancestors walked on all fours, it was round, fleshy, swelling red buttocks that played the main role in attracting males, who mounted their mates from the rear. However, when our ancestors started to walk upright (supposedly so that men could throw spears and hold beer cans without spilling the beer), the “female of the species” needed to “successfully shift the interest of the male round to the front, (so) evolution would have to do something to make the frontal region more stimulating.” And evolution didn’t think it would be a good idea to develop a pair of pendulous facial cheeks. 

The Longer, The Better?

 What really matters to the opposite sex when it comes to your favorite plaything since adolescence? Is it its length? Is it its girth? Is it how it looks like inside bikini briefs? 

According to The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature, adult human males have the longest, thickest and most flexible penises (not that our penises plan to do gymnastics or yoga any time soon) of any living primate. The results of the longest, este, largest scientific study of penis size ever conducted in the world have recently been published (and I hope the study does not include any centerfold pages). The penis proportions of 5,122 men were collected over a 25-year period at the famous Kinsey Institute of Sex Research at Indiana University and, for the test subjects’ sake, I do hope that their penises were returned to them after the study.

The results of Kinsey study were rather unremarkable: there was little variation in penis length. Two thirds of the participants fell within an inch smaller or longer than 6.14 inches at erect length. (Actually, I may have to take some blame for the study’s outcome. I didn’t let them collect my penis, which led to such mediocre results. Oh, well. Nobody believes my proportions anyway. Not even my wife.)

Now, before you take out some measuring tape, bond paper, a Pentel pen, masking tape and a sex scandal video to verify the results of the Kinsey study, keep your penis in your bikini briefs and ask yourself: Why does your penis have to be so darned long?

In The Human Instinct, fertility specialist Robert Winston states that a long, diabolical-looking phallus has a dual purpose: it not only has the potential to attract females but it also has the ability to frighten off other competing males. I know exactly what he means — I’ve been scared off by some uncircumcised penises in my lifetime. Some penises from the wrong side of town have even held me up at knifepoint. And Ron Jeremy, Peter North and George Estregan put the fear of God in me as a child, and it was not only because my folks might catch me watching triple-X stuff on their BetaMax machine. (May I digress and ask a philosophical question: Is there double-X?)

Jingle Balls

 According to fertility specialist Dr. Robert Winston, the size of a primates’ testicles can tell us a lot about a species’ sexual practices.

In the ‘70s, British biologist Roger Short noticed something peculiar about ape anatomy. He found that chimpanzees had extremely large four-ounce testicles that produced prodigious amounts of sperm (although I am trying not to imagine how he found out that chimps produce prodigious amounts of sperm). Mating among chimps is fairly unregulated and a casual affair especially since they are not being monitored by the MTRCB. In fact, there seems to be no awareness as to the paternity of any of their offspring. 

On the other hand, silverback gorillas ­— the largest of the living primates that sport large canine teeth and have a fierce growl that is enough to make human testicles retract to the pit of their stomachs — have miniscule testicles. More miniscule, even, than those of some congressmen.

Unlike chimpanzees, silverback alpha males take possession of a harem of female gorillas. And silverbacks are secure in the knowledge that the female gorillas will rarely sneak off for an illicit romp in the wilds (unless they encounter a very brave and randy male chimpanzee). Gorillas rarely have intercourse, because for males with a harem, sexual access is guaranteed. Therefore, Mr. “I Am King of the Apes” only needed a small amount of sperm and, consequently, a small payload. So, gorillas evolved testicles that were small but terrible. 

Now, let us put things into perspective: gorillas weigh four times as much as chimps, but a chimp’s testicles weigh four times as much as a gorilla’s. What can we infer from this? Well, the biologist Roger Short appears to have stumbled, not on testicles, but on anatomical clues about a species’ mating system: the bigger the balls, the more polygamous the females. 

Human testicles tread the middle ground when it comes to primate testicles. Measured as a proportion of body weight, our human teabags are four times the size of a gorilla’s but less than a third of the size of a chimpanzee’s.

According to The Red Queen Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature, ancestral man probably lived in a pseudo-harem system, but he was also prepared for occasional female promiscuity. Ancestral females copulated with more than one male in a month fairly often. Given this, human males evolved testicles that were potent enough to combat a moderate amount of sperm competition from other males, but they certainly didn’t need to stockpile enough artillery as required by the chimpanzee gonads. If Goldilocks was a scientist, she would say that our testicles were “just right.”

Giving The Finger

In a study by the University of Central Lancashire in the UK, scientists discovered that men who have much longer fourth fingers compared to their second fingers have higher levels of testosterone surging through their systems. Another study conducted by the University of Chicago found that men who have significantly longer differences between their fourth fingers and second fingers are strongly associated with a woman’s ratings of their physical attractiveness during brief interactions. But the real testicle-tickling factoid is this: recent evidence suggests that the bigger the difference between the lengths of these two fingers, the more sexual partners a man has throughout their lifetime.

Before you chop off your second finger to ensure maximum length differential, please be warned of two things: cutting off one of your pointer fingers will not make your digits grow any longer and may not improve your sex life (and you will no longer have a finger to pick your nose with). Secondly, if you are in a relationship and your partner comes across this piece of information, she may very well lop off your, ahem, 11th digit, rendering everything I have just written moot and academic.

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It Only Hurts When I Pee: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Bodily Gases, Hair Loss and Pink Parts from Anvil Publishing will be available this December at National Bookstore, Powerbooks and Best Sellers nationwide.