Happy endings

We missed the end of the world last October 21. Again. But it is only a matter of time until American radio broadcaster Harold Camping finally gets his computation right. After all, he only got it wrong the first three times.

But whether the end of the world comes with a nuclear explosion or ecological catastrophe or biological warfare or by alien invasion or by a meteor shower or by another Hollywood movie, the question that is most pressing in the minds of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) before Armageddon is: “Can I be surrounded by a bevy of bikini-clad women before I am consumed by eternal hellfire?” (And real ones, they add. Not those that need to downloaded, inflated, or paid cash upfront.)

But the question remains for most men: How do we become attractive to the opposite sex in spite of ourselves? Should we start working out more regularly? Start getting facials? Start attending personality development courses? Should we even embark on all these self-improvement efforts if the world is about to end anyway?

For the NGSBs who want easier, relatively pain-free ways to become more attractive to the opposite sex before the world ends, here are some quick fixes. (Remember to fix yourself quickly before Mr. Camping releases his next prediction.) 

• Cast a love spell. If you want to win the heart of the woman you covet but are unable to because of financial reasons, moral reasons or an arrest warrant, then it’s time for a little magic.

According to Tony Perez, spell caster Tony Perez, author of Mga Panibagong Kulam (New Spells) and Mga Panibagong Kulam Ng Pag-Ibig (New Spells of Love), you can make a woman fall in love with you with a little patience, a little cunning, and a little pink ribbon.

Here are a couple of spells of seduction that you can perform with the help of your yaya:

Spell No. 1: Give her some tongue

Find a dila ng pagi (stingray tongue) at your neighborhood anting-anting (talisman) stalls in Quiapo and in Baclaran. According to Tony, “Pagi is considered to have magickal powers by the albularyos. Its tail (buntot-pagi) is used to drive away manananggals from pregnant women. And the dila is always malansa (fishy) no matter how much you dry it. It also smells like another body part that I will leave up to your imagination.”

Instructions for preparing Dilang Pagi

• Submerge the dila in a dish of rubbing alcohol. Set aside until the alcohol evaporates and the dila is completely dry.

• After it is completely dry, smell the dila one more to see if you can finally guess the body part.

• Please do not abuse the dilang pagi.

• Immerse the dila in a capped bottle of extra virgin olive oil. The oil can then be discreetly dabbed onto the arm of a person of your choice, with the same effects indicated above. Remember, any major spell always requires a virgin sacrifice.

According to Tony, the dila is well known in magical circles as a pampaano (subjector); to a tighter circle of practitioners, it is known as a pampal^&*%. (Sorry, I don’t know what pampal^&*% means, but I think it is something that an NGSB can achieve with the use of crude visual aids.)  

Spell No. 2: Tie a ribbon round that old oak tree

For those of who fear tongue action, here is a spell that requires very little (or a lot, depending on the size of the prize). Before you meet with the woman whom you covet, tie a pink bow on “that” body part. Tony guarantees: “This works, all the time!”

However, you may need your yaya’s help to tie that ribbon to make sure that this love spell does not lead to gangrene. Unless that is part of your advance penance.

 Concoct a gayuma. Apparently, true love can be bottled, rubbed, ingested and sprayed. According to mysticist Ruel Ruiz, there are several types of gayuma whose potency depends on your degree of desperation. A gayuma often requires one part mineral to three parts plant to three parts animal and then… your own personal contribution.

The mineral, which serves as the “battery” of the gayuma, can be found in the iron phosphate of most multivitamins. The plant ingredient, which makes the “target” more, ahem, excitable or stimulated, can be reed canary grass or the flowering portion of the taheebo. For the animal ingredient, which makes the “target” more libidinous, you can use the nails of a dove. But how, pray tell, does dove nail clippings put the “target” in the mood? (And are there nail cutters for doves?) Apparently, the dove nails “irritate” the genitals of the target. (Warning to the NGSBs: the only genitals that you can irritate manually are your own). And finally, to make sure that the target feels libidinous towards you and not, say, Derek Ramsay, you need to add your bodily fluids. These fluids can be tears or sweat or any fluids that will not require you to say an act of contrition (unless you are willing to do advance penance).

And how do you weaponize the gayuma? The first method is aerial, whereby you blow the gayuma in the direction of your target. The second is a balm that you can rub on certain parts of the target’s body. Third is by a liquid form that can be ingested by the target. All these gayumas are different and their application depends on your diskarte (strategy) and your previous criminal record.

 Hmmm… on second thought, the wide-scale use of gayuma by NGSBs could lead to the end of the world.

Sweet-talk her with neurolinguistic programming (NLP). Turn your mouth into a weapon of mass attraction with the help of Carelle Mangaliag-Durano, a certified NLP practitioner (www.emotivatingminds.com), an interpersonal communication technique that is used to alter human behavior. It’s been used extensively by dating coaches, self-help gurus and scheming politicians worldwide. 

According to Carelle, NLP is a technique used to re-program the brain using only words. And for those with more nefarious purposes, NLP can be used to manipulate people into thinking the way you want them to think (I hear it can be ever more manipulative than a mother’s guilt trip).

If you want to make anyone fall in love deliberately without any evidence to incriminate you, then apply the first principle of NLP: establish rapport by studying the micro-behavior of the “target.” In particular, study the target’s micro-behaviors — the tonality of the person, the words that they use — that indicate that they are interested, and emulate that micro-behavior. For example, if she likes to fondle her hair, you should also fondle your hair. If she speaks in a kikay, singsongy tone, you sold also speak in a kikay, singsongy tone. If she takes a pocketknife from her bag… then you should run away.

Another NLP principle is that of “mirroring.” You have to find a common denominator between you and the target. So if she says, “I love Derek Ramsay!” you say “I love Derek Ramsay too!” If she says “I hear voices in my head,” you say “I hear voices in my head too!” And if she says “I used to have male genitals,” you say “I think my genitals just retracted to the pit of my stomach.”

The third NLP principle is to stare her into attraction. According to Carelle, if you want the target to think “I want you,” this is what you do: while looking in their eyes, slowly gaze down at their lips then look back in their eyes. That’s a very powerful look that says, “I want you.” (Reminder to NGSBs: Of course, this presumes that you have the testicular fortitude to look a woman in the eye and not other body parts. I recommend you practice this principle at home muna with your yaya before you try it out in public.) 

Become an attractive man on a full-time basis. According to their blog (www.247attractiveman.com), any man can be attractive 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you were attractive any longer than that, then you would be violating the laws of physics.

If you are willing to take on the responsibility of becoming an electromagnetic force, then you need to be exposed to the dating coaches of the 24/7 Attractive Man. They will tailor your lifestyle so that any NGSB can be naturally attractive to women. They will even tailor some groin protection for you as well.

Nash, their instructor for the Asia-Pacific, makes the bold claim that he can help students become their “better selves.” “If you can’t love yourself,” Nash says, “how can you expect women to love you?” (Trust me, Nash: these NGSBs know how to love themselves.).

Here’s some advice for you to be attractive for at least five minutes.

Principle No. 1: Be the frog. Women are counter-intuitive. Why go or the well-intentioned Prince Charming type who showers them with flowers and chocolate when what they really want is the frog (Miss Piggy must know something that other women don’t)? Women want frogs because they activate her motherly instinct. They want to turn these “broken-down, misshapen” men into princes. Or into frogs’ legs.

Principle No. 2: You need good vibrations. Four of them, in fact. The “fun vibe,” the “charismatic vibe,” the “dominant vibe” and the “sexual vibe.” And, no, these vibes cannot be downloaded into your iPhone. The reason that most men end up in the “friend zone” or the “crash zone” or in the “trauma unit” with their target is because most men only have one vibe going for them. Too much of a fun vibe, you come off as an entertainer; too much of charismatic vibe, you come off as an evangelist; too much of the dominant vibe, you come off as a politician; and too much of a sexual vibe, you come off as being a DOM. The 24/7 mean teach you to switch gears from one vibe to another depending on the legal repercussions.

And finally:

Principle No. 3: Get pissed on by a civet cat. Or regurgitated on by a sperm whale. Or rub yourself with bull’s testicles. No, no — this is not meant as advance penance, these are actual musky smells that were once used in men’s fragrances and once thought to attract the opposite sex. Along with boar urine, whale vomit and the sweat of bull’s testicles.

I don’t about you, but smelling like animal bodily wastes doesn’t makes me feel being more sensual or attractive. But some desperate scientists who have had no girlfriends since birth have concocted the Omega solution: a cool citrus scent blended with metallic notes and sensual woods that they’ve dubbed “Axe 2012.” And I reckon that this scent is far better than the scent of cat pee. Axe 2012 comes in a limited edition because they don’t expect to produce it anymore after the world ends. 

Now given all the effort of finding a small enough bow to tie around your pink parts, or obtaining dove nail clippings, or developing testicular fortitude or learning how to become a frog or getting pissed on by a cat, I think one of the easiest and most stress-free ways to prepare yourself for the end of the world (or when Harold Camping gets his computations correct, whichever come first) is to spray on Axe 2012: The Final Edition so that you will smell good enough to mate. Once you spray it on, women will want to spend their last few minutes on earth exploring their genetic compatibility with you in spite of their better judgment.

After all, who would want to spend his last few minutes on earth smelling like the sweat of bull’s testicles?