Chi-boom, chi-boom

David Montecillo likes to play with himself. And he isn’t ashamed to talk about it. Trying to explain what he does is like trying to explain why a platypus lays an egg or why you need a prescription for prophylactics or how you amassed P225 million in your bank accounts.

But from what I understand, David likes to play with energy. Well, it’s more like he knows how to channel energy, the same way that He-Man channels the power of Greyskull or the way Hot Rod channels the power of the Matrix to become Rodimus Prime or how Senate witnesses channel the law against self-incrimination. 

And, more importantly, David can help all the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) and Dirty Old Men (DOM) channel their energies into getting a date. No batteries included.

RJ LEDESMA: What exactly do you do and does your mom know you are doing it?

DAVID MONTECILLO: I don’t really tell her as much because I don’t really want to get in trouble. (Laughs) But aside from teaching management courses that combine conventional Western and traditional Asian perspectives, I also teach classes in meditation, chi gong, and other weird stuff about esoteric whereabouts.

Just as long as you keep those esoteric parts inside your baggy pants, that’s fine by me.

My background is that I come from the schools of pranic healing, reiki, Tibetan tantra and all the other stuff about energy and enlightenment.

And what do you plan to teach my legion of imaginary male fans about their esoteric parts?

From what I’ve gathered about energy, it’s not really what you show off to the girl that counts. If you want the “right” girl, you will attract the girl that is right for you at that moment in time.

NGSB chuwariwap: The right woman for me? You mean a woman with a cup size that defies gravity and legs that you can land an airplane on?

I think the right woman for you would be a Barbie doll.

If you are a very materialistic person, then you will attract a materialistic girl. If you are a deeper person, it may take a little more time and patience, but you will attract a woman who “digs” your energy field and will connect with you more.

DOM chuwariwap: I don’t know how much time I have left. My pacemaker is running low on batteries.

Because the “who” you are being will attract the people around you. If you want to know what kind of person you are, look at the kind of girls you are going out with. They are basically nothing more than a reflection of who you are.

NGSB: So the kind of girl that I will theoretically go out with will be just like me, except with different genitalia? Well, as long as she doesn’t have stubble, I can live with that.

If you are not going out with anyone, there is probably something “misaligned” inside you. That’s why you are not attracting the right one.

NGSB chuwariwap: Or maybe it has something to do with my asymmetrical forearms. I’m not too sure.

Attraction starts with aligning our energies. Think of your energy as a magnet: if the magnet isn’t working properly, then the power of attraction isn’t all going to be there.

I think most NGSBs and DOMs are like magnets, except that they repel people. How do you work on becoming an attraction magnet? Do you take iron supplements and then stick your finger in an electric socket?

You can always start off with the externals: the watch, the car, the six-pack abs. But a lot of the things that attract women are the things that we don’t show off.

I know what you NGSBs and DOMs are thinking. Do not show them off or else I will have you flogged, flayed and arrested. 

But in the long run, it’s the subconscious things that happen that will make her happy.

DOM chuwariwap: I see. So you need to break into her subconscious? Let me contact Leonardo DiCaprio and Chris Nolan. I will pay them in gold Buddha statues.

It is how she feels about you. It also depends where the girl is coming from.

Like from Quiapo or from Antipolo or from Alabang?

If she is desperate and shallow, she will look at the watch, she will look at the car, she will look at the six-pack abs, then she will probably go for you.

DOM chuwariwap: Yes! Now, where can I buy those six-pack abs?

But people have a tendency to grow up. And once she grows up and she sees you for what you really are, then there’s going to be trouble in the relationship.

DOM chuwariwap: That’s why I prefer my girls with newly minted high school diplomas.

I think that DOM needs a prescription for prophylactics. Tell me a bit more about this energy, or chi? What exactly is chi? How does it work? And is it available at your nearest sari-sari store? 

The universe is your sari-sari store. Chi is nothing more than your energy field that reflects who you are. Chi is actually how you feel about yourself. If you are a negative person, you will have negative or stagnant chi all around you. If you are a positive person, you will attract good chi and have a good flow of chi all around you.

Chi whiz! 

For those who are sensitive to energy, your chi is actually your advertising. When you walk into a room, people pick up your energy. They pick up subconsciously what is this person from the first impression.

So chi is like the Facebook status update or Twitter of the energy world?

We all have chi, and the chi that you have right now is exactly what you need. But what is important is how your chi flows through you.

I take bladder breaks every 30 minutes. Is that good for my chi?

To have more chi in your life, a wellness lifestyle that shifts your mindset from negative to positive is highly encouraged, like exercise, yoga, tai-chi and chi gong, meditation, good eating practices — anything that will have your chi flowing very well.

DOM chuwariwap: It’s time to get a colonic!

NGSB: It’s time to use the other hand!

But beyond the physical, chi is also about how you see yourself. If you see yourself as insecure, if you always put yourself down, if you are always to trying to please people — that affects your chi and your health in the long run.

NGSB chuwariwap: That’s why I always make it a point to please myself and nobody else.

I don’t think you will ever need a prescription for prophylactics. David, can you use your chi for good? For evil? For impeachment hearings?

You can use it for whatever you want. In fact the practice of feng shui is practicing the flow of chi around us. You can use it for attracting good business or attracting a partner. You can use it for good relationships or even for good sex. It is pretty much used in many ways for attraction. 

NGSB chuwariwap: All I have been attracting are files

DOM chuwariwap: All I have been attracting are lawsuits.

Chi for attraction is called “presence.” If you walk into a place and nobody knows who you are but people start to notice you, that means your chi is strong.

NGSB chuwariwap: You mean it’s not just because of my lack of proper hygiene habits?

DOM chuwariwap: Or my shiny gold teeth?

So all you need is chi? Not even words? Or flowers? Or chocolate?

DOM chuwariwap: Or Ativan?

Those things are still necessary. You still have to try and look your best for the girl. But that’s only 10 percent of the entire package.

DOM chuwariwap: And what’s the other 90 percent? Chest hair, body oil and a toupee? 

That opens the door. But once the door is open, how you relate to the woman, that’s the real ballgame.

DOM chuwariwap: And that’s when you need the Ativan.

That’s when the quality of chi comes into the picture. Building up the quality of chi begins with self-worth and believing in yourself. I’m talking about confidence, ha? Not arrogance.

DOM chuwariwap: Not arrogance? But that’s my life’s work!

Remember, any interaction with another person — whether intimate or otherwise — involves an exchange of energy. So if you do plan to have intimate relations with someone else, check the energy of this person.

How do you do that? With a Geiger counter?

The basic way is to check the energy of that person is to see if she has “baggage”: is she angry all the time? Or angry? Or shallow? 

DOM chuwariwap: Well, there goes my imaginary sex life.

You want to ask yourself: Do you want to be involved in that person’s energy? Is that person’s energy beneficial to me? 

NGSB chuwariwap: Involvement would be good.

DOM Vader Chuwariwap: Can you manipulate someone else’s chi to make them more attracted to you?

There are methods, yes. But I don’t teach that and I advise people not to, either. That’s what you call “power over” because you are taking over the free will of other people and that has severe karmic effects.

DOM Vader should find a way to use his light saber for more productive purposes. Like Hara-kiri. Since we are on the subject of intimate relations (which, I should mention, should only be performed within the context of a duly sanctified marriage lest you be issued a prescription), I understand that “intimacy” involves a release of chi, when you are actually supposed to be preserving your chi. Then again, if you preserve all that chi, you might just spontaneously combust.

According to Taoist teachings, the highlight of intimate relations results in the release of chi or energy. But that really depends, when you are younger you can let out chi all you want. But as you grow older, it is recommended by Taoist practitioners that you hold on to your chi because it so hard to preserve.

DOM chuwariwap: Why, God, why!? Huhuhuhuhu…

You can still engage in intimacy, but you can’t release all the way.

I didn’t realize you could release halfway.

Or else you will lose a lot of life force energies. You need to preserve your chi. That is where a lot of breathing techniques and control need to happen.

Or you can just learn how to hold your breath.

But here is the clincher: women can just release all they want and it won’t deplete their chi.

Oh, yeah. God is fair.

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You can contact David at sattvah888@yahoo.comor visit www.sattvahwellness.com.