Set geek to stun

There are different levels of geekiness that depend on your brain size, your level of hygiene and your body fat.

There are the comic book geeks (like myself) who have memorized the History of the DC Universe from when the renegade immortal scientist Krona recreated the universe by creating a time-bending device that unwittingly unleashed evil upon the multiverse up to the 853rd century when Justice Legion Alpha defeated their nemesis Solaris the Living Sun (as I wrote that last sentence, I could feel my body fat quadrupling in diameter.) 

Then you have your Star Wars geeks who painstakingly memorize all the characters from the six Star Wars episodes, the cartoon movies, the made-for-TV movies, the novels, the comics and the coloring books. Even the Ewok and Droid cartoons (the sheer effort of cataloguing all these characters alone has kept these geeks from showering for several hundred days. See, there’s a reason for everything.)

And then you have the Star Trek geek (or Trekkie) who has not only seen every possible Star Trek iteration from the original to the animated to the Next Generation to the movies to Deep Space Nine to Voyager to Enterprise to the parodies (and who forced themselves to watch T.J. Hooker and Boston Legal just to bask in the halting… speech patterns… of… William Shatner. Pwede siyang pang-Pinoy na teleserye); those who not only have a custom-made skintight Federation outfit and a pair of Spock ears at home, but who also speak Klingon more fluently than they speak Tagalog (and these are the type of geeks who have had to saw away at their skulls to make way for their expanding brain matter).

Then we have the multi-level geek that is Carljoe Javier. Carljoe doesn’t even bother to hide his geekiness beneath regular street clothes (lest he reek of toxic geek pawis the whole day). Rather, Carljoe exposes his Omega-level geekiness as proudly as Superman wears his underwear on the outside of his pants. He has had many achievements in his life, none of which are applicable to the real world. He is an expert light saber duelist, an awesome guitarist on “Guitar Hero: Metallica,” and has had multiple relationships while platyng “Grand Theft Auto IV.” Worst of all, this is a geek who quotes Shakespeare from memory. Fear him.

And only geeks at this radiation level are able to produce a book like The Kobayashi Maru of Love.

No, no. The Kobayashi Maru of Love is not a Japanese guide to lovemaking. Nor is it about self-love. Not even hara-kiri. At least, not on first reading.

For the non-Star Trek literati among you (shame on you, my three female readers) The Kobayashi Maru refers to a Starfleet Academy training simulation in which the cadets are made to choose between rescuing the civilian vessel Kobayashi Maru crew that is marooned in a Klingon Neutral Zone — which could violate the terms of the Organian Peace Treaty and, in turn, endanger the lives of their own ship and crew — or to leave the Kobayashi Maru to face certain destruction. (I think I just lost my three female readers right there). In other words, with the Kobayashi Maru, you get screwed in either scenario. (And getting screwed is actually a scenario that geeks can only look forward to in a fictional universe.)

And how does the Kobayashi Maru figure into the world of dating and mating (or non-mating as the geeks may be), especially if it only ends in a no-win scenario (unless you mate in Klingon fashion, which involves bone-breaking, blood-spurting and smelling each other’s underarms)? Well, the book does address a very important evolutionary question about geeks and reproduction: Have geeks discovered how to clone themselves or how to reproduce asexually or will they just keep on growing horribly asymmetrical sets of forearms until they are rendered extinct by the next generation? 

But there are a few mutant geeks (yes, a redundant term, I admit) who are able to rise above themselves and go where no geek has gone before. Carljoe had a real flesh-and-blood girlfriend (but, by his admission, he has also had a few virtual ones as well). Finally, Carljoe discovered that some organs of his were more than just vestigial or humorous in nature.

When he originally conceived this book (since conception had now become a fleeting possibility to him), Carljoe wanted to chronicle the trials, travails and various bone-breaking, blood-spurting injuries that come with the journey on the Starship Love, Romance and Bodily Fluids. Unfortunately, a few e-pages into his captain’s log, his love story ended as tragically as the ill-fated Kobayashi Maru.

And so what happens to a geek when the girl he loves more than all the Dilithium crystals in the universe breaks up with him? (I know, sounds highly improbable, no?) Does he expose himself to the mutagenic substances in the local drinking water to develop the mutant power of seduction and involuntary bowel movements? Does he try to learn the Jedi mind trick to win back the love of his life, unless the love of his life is a Toydarian (Star Wars geeks, that was an in-joke for you)? Or does he just curl up into a little ball of fat, sweat and atrophied muscle and cry himself to sleep underneath his vintage Empire Strikes Back bedsheets?

Aside from all that, Carljoe does what any self-respecting geek would do in the face of tragedy: turn to his comic books and his video games for comfort. At least in comic books, the stories almost remain constant. Just like the marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson (Spider-Man geeks, that was in-joke for all of you).

Much like the Star Trek: Nemesis movie, the book is a light-speed journey that starts in the waning days of his relationship, to the mental torture raging in his overgrown brain matter when he thinks about how his ex is now spending time with her new Sith Lord, right up to the point that Captain Carljoe is back in the front lines of the dating scene making sure that his organs, vestigial or humorous, atrophy no longer. 

Carljoe soon realizes that one fate worse than being assimilated by the Borg, replaced by an alien Skrull or having your hand lopped off by your father is living through the first few days after a breakup. Especially if you are the one (argh, adamantium claws through the heart!) being broken up with (cue entire playlist of WRock). But in a tragedy that is worse than being overrun by tribbles, Carljoe seeks comfort in creative writing. The second part of his book is composed of several short fiction pieces (but the emotions are anything but fictional). In fact, his stories almost seem to move in lock-step with the three stages of rejected lovers (according to the page-turner LoveSick by clinical psychologist Dr. Frank Tallis): first, you cry, become anxious and agitated and struggle to reestablish some form of connection with your ex (and the operative word here is “cry”). Second, protest gives way to despair and bed-wetting as the rejected lover exhibits all of the symptoms associated with clinical depression. Third, the emotional exhaustion from the breakup leads you to a state of detachment to the point that you want to be frozen in Carbonite. 

Despite the desire to be turned into a frozen delight, emotional turmoil is always good fodder for great literature. But several light years later and in a galaxy far, far away (and trust me on this, Carljoe), when you re-read your stories that depicted exactly how you felt right after the breakup, you will with that you could be frozen in Carbonite indefinitely.

While reading Carljoe’s attempts to “Return to the Jedi” and meet actual (as opposed to pixilated) women, he learned that even Jedi masters can make mistakes, such as:

1. Geeks only offer their fellow geeks dating advice if they want to exacerbate the asymmetry of his fellow geeks’ forearms.

2. You probably cannot pick up any “hot” chicks in the comic book section of a bookstore. Unless those “hot” chicks are found in the comics (Naka Spandex na, naku plunging neckline pa!)

3. And if ever there is an alignment of all the planets in our solar system and a geek finally gets a date, it is probably not a good idea to bring her to a comic book shop. Or to talk to her about the history and character profiles of G.I. Joe characters.

4. Thinking whether or not he should approach flesh and blood women who will talk to him even if he does not buy them a ladies’ drink. Carljoe has computed several hundred scenarios to approach women in parties. And he has failed in every possible scenario.

I have also discovered that this headmaster for the Xavier Institute of gifted geeks has his own foibles, like he:

1. Doesn’t like men who can carry on a conversation while they are naked. Even if the conversation they are carrying about basketball (of course this statement has a context, although I would much rather leave it open-ended at this point so as not to spoil your fun).

2. Doesn’t like other men grinding on him against his will in a club. No matter how well-groomed those men are. 

3. Has an aversion to grown men and women dressed in superhero costumes. No matter how much skin they display. He is even scared of women who growl at him, especially if they are dressed in tight black leather and show a good amount of cleavage.

4. Has a major crush on the comic book character Emma Frost from X-Men. I will not dare approach his comic book collection until I scan them under a black light.

5. Has taken a bath in a pool of rose metals. And he used those same petals as an ornament to cover his pink parts.

6. Has been thoroughly abused by Bret “The Hitman” Hart during a combination Swedish-Shiatsu massage (We are still trying to get in touch with The Hitman’s press people for comment.) The ending was not happy.

7. He refuses to wear deodorant on principle. And it is not so much the principle that deodorant is shaped like a phallic symbol, but because he refuses to pay for it. Thus, if you are within a five-mile proximity of his underarms, you will risk the same fate as the Kobayashi Maru.

8. Has used a deodorant. Once. It was a chocolate scented deodorant and he fears using it again lest he is cannibalized by hormone-imbalanced females. 

9. Doesn’t want to buy male hygiene products in a drug store, because it just doesn’t feel right (and it’s not because he has a phobia of beauty powders and feminine wash). If ever he opts to buy male products, they should be sold in a hardware store.

10. Has performed a personal journey of self-exploration several months into the breakup with his ex. We are unsure if this breakup involved any phasers or light sabers. Or mutants.

In the end, Carljoe knows that in some parallel universe out there, he and his ex-girlfriend are still enjoying a joyride on the Kobayashi Maru. In another, he has never even met his ex-girlfriend. Yet in another, he is dating Emma Frost. But in this universe, there is no need for him to worry. There is a girl out there whom Carljoe will eventually be able to impress with his expertise in Japanese lovemaking. And all he needs to live happily every after with her is an air pump.

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You can pick up a copy of The Kobayashi Maru of Love at Sputnik in Cubao X or you can order it from Avalon.ph.

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For comments, suggestions, or if you want to date a Klingon, please text me at PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net and www.unomaga-zine.com.ph. Add me up on twitter, my twitter ID is rjled.