And I thought I was the pogi from a parallel universe.
But it appears that somebody has wrested the title away from my derma-rollered countenance. And the perpetrator is radio and television broadcaster and newest Svenson Hair Loss Protection endorser Mike Enriquez.
And not only has me made me runner-up in a category that I invented, he has snatched another claim one of my claims to fame. This is a man who has the mutant ability to speak faster than the speed of sound. And make money off of it. The hair, I mean.
But just how does one become Mike Enriquez? How does one develop the tenaciousness, the eloquence and the fashion sense to become one of the top news anchors in the country?
Mike sat down with The Philippine STAR to talk about his accidental rise to television news uber-popularity: how he was a horse race commentator, a one-time actor and the DJ primarily responsible for bringing The Carpenters, The Lettermen and (brace yourselves) Barry Manilow to all-day programming on FM radio. (Mike is still trying to make peace with that decision.)
And, if we have enough time, we plan to ask Mike the truly important question: What does “Tatantanan” mean? Is it a real word? Are they several words that have been smooshed together as a result of Idol Mike’s violation of verbal speed limits? Is it a sound effect? Or are they the opening lyrics of the Voltes V theme song?
This question will hopefully be answered along with many others, if we can catch up with what he is trying to say.
PHILIPPINE STAR: Because you always seem to be in a hurry, idol Mike, let’s get right into it: What makes you so gosh-darn appealing to the ladies? Is it the hypnotically baritone voice? Is it the alpha-male attitude? Is it the boyish charm? Just what is your beauty secret?
MIKE ENRIQUEZ: You should be asking the ladies that, RJ. (Laughs)
I did. They refused to answer on the grounds that they might incriminate themselves.
I don’t know. Maybe its because I’m myself. People tend to become comfortable with me after a couple of minutes because I am what they see. There’s no need to be careful of me.
Unless people are knocked down by the sonic boom of your voice. Idol, do you consider yourself a sex symbol? And I don’t mean sex symbol like the ones you find mounted on the doors of public bathrooms.
Me? A sex symbol? (Laughs) Far from it. I don’t know about people, but when I look at myself in the mirror I think sex is the farthest thing from my mind.
You don’t say? But you haven’t answered my question, my kapwang pogi: What is your beauty secret?
It’s so secret that I don’t know it up to now.
I might almost believe you there, ha.
I don’t get enough sleep, I work out regularly and sometimes I go binge eating! (Laughs)
Hey, that’s my beauty secret as well!
And, believe it or not, this (points to his full head of hair) is a big help.
Styling mousse?
There are actually people who find it hard to believe that this is my natural hair .
You don’t say?
Especially at my age.
Is that an age that can be measured in geological time?
I think a full head of hair affects your looks, affects your sense of confidence.
I want to full a head like you when I grow up, too.
D’FLASH
Of course the question that must be asked of the Mike Enriquez: How did you develop your mutant ability to speak faster than the speed of sound? Did you stick your finger into an electrical socket as a child? Did somebody press your fast-forward button and forget to switch it off? Do you have an extra tongue?
(Laughs) It’s probably the way I am and the way that I think. When I start talking before a microphone, my mind starts to race while my mouth tries to keep up with it.
Well, that’s much better than having your mind keep up with your mouth. That has often been my problem. Which is why I have had multiple surgeries to remove my foot from my mouth.
Plus the fact that I am an A-type.
I knew it! I knew you couldn’t speak that fast without the help of batteries.
I’m one of those. I’m impatient and I want to say so many things at the same time. But most importantly — and this is a scoop, okay? — I’m afraid I’m going to forget what I am going to say. (Laughs)
So what is your age again in geological time?
I just want things done fast. Including my communication.
Among other things, I would hope.
(Laughs) If this were foreplay, then my foreplay would be really, really short.
Hmmm, maybe that is the reason why you aren’t a sex symbol. How long did it take you to develop this staccato speaking style? Were you an auctioneer, a hip-hop artist or a saleslady at SM Department Store shoe section?
It’s a combination of what I am like, off-mike, and my background. I used to be a DJ when I started in radio. During that time, you had to know how to broadcast both in English and in Tagalog. I remember being told the night before my radio program, “Mike, bukas magta-Tagalog ka (You will be speaking in Tagalog),” and the title of the program was Ang Mike ni Mike. No consultations, no briefings, no trainings, no seminars, no nothing.
You must have felt just like a midnight appointee of this administration.
Ganyan rin sa (The same thing goes for) horseracing. They lacked someone who would backstop the main coverage announcer. I was the first person in the line of sight of our station manager who just said “Go to Sta. Ana at one o’clock in the afternoon.” (Laughs)
And nobody at the racetrack bothered to tell you about the benefits of horse tranquilizers? Tell me more about your DJ years. I am sure women who did not know yet that you were a sex symbol were swooning over your voice.
Like many things in my life, there was nobody else who would do it. (Laughs) Seriously. A friend of mine who was a radio announcer asked me to visit him in the station. It turns out there were two radio announcers who were unavailable. When the station manager saw me, my friend told him, “This is my friend, Mike. He’s applying as an announcer.” I said, “What the hell? I’m not applying for anything.” But since the manager needed some warm bodies…
I still insist that they hired you for your boyish, almost baby-like, charm. ‘Di ba (Wasn’t it) your DJ name “Baby Michael”? Or maybe your baby damulag (overgrown baby) charms?
(Laughs, but with reservedly) When I became a television newscaster, it was not as if somebody bumped into me along the corridors of GMA and said “You could be on television!”
You don’t say? Even with your baby damulag charm?
GMA News lacked male anchors for their National Elections coverage in 1995. I attended the brainstorming sessions to represent the radio component. The station was so desperate for male anchors, one of the executives turned to me during a meeting and asked, “Why don’t you anchor?” And I said, “Is this your idea of a joke!?” I don’t mind being quoted on this, but I am not a made-for-TV face.
Oh, come on, now.
I’m not somebody whom you will come up to and say “Pare, I could make a movie with you.”
But you did make a movie in 1991. Didn’t you appear in the movie Mahirap ang Maging Pogi with Andrew E? I’m sure the title of the movie resonated with you. It did with me.
(Laughs) I was supposed to play a drunken radio announcer! I will never do that again.
That’s a shame. We need someone to eventually replace Eddie Garcia. Or Max Alvarado.
So, throughout my whole career, it’s not as if people came up to my face and said “Wow meyn! This is the poster boy we’ve been waiting for!” (Laughs)
I always thought you would make a great poster boy for population control. Ahihihihihihi.
I’m a poster boy for control, period!
COPYRIGHT CATS
Idol Mike, do you speak with that signature speed and intonation even off the air? It must be interesting to be with you during dinner parties, family gatherings and very intimate moments.
Anybody who says that they don’t speak differently when they speak on radio or on television is not telling the truth.
Hindi naman sila tatantanan (We will not sing for you the opening theme of Voltes V)! Ok ba? Or should the delivery be more nasal?
To a limited extent, speaking (on radio or television) is a performance. That’s why you can’t appear on television without some makeup. Let me make a confession: I thought I’d be made up only twice in my life: When I got married and when I was a corpse. I never thought I’d be made up five evenings a week.
Hindi ka naman tatantanan, basta’t may face powder ako (We will not put you on the spot, since I’m also wearing face powder)!
That’s just part of the performance. So the rest of it is just being what I am.
And there are people who want to be just who you are. Your baby damulag looks and speaking velocity has spawned a cottage industry of copycats. What do you think of those who rip off your speaking style in commercials and spoofs? Do you find it a sort of backhanded compliment? Or hindi mo sila tatantanan (You will not elope with them)?
The most known personality who spoofs me is a man who goes by the name “Mang Enriquez.”
Witty, witty.
He does his best to look like me and talk like me. You know what he is?
Your stunt double at home when you are out of town doing investigative reports?
He is a props man at GMA. On an ordinary day, you’ll see him along with the other props people hauling sets. Then he started copying me. And then you know what happened to him?
He is in jail for copyright infringement?
He is now one of the contract artists of GMA’s talent center! He actually has this huge billboard on C-5. That guy is costing me. (Laughs)
You want we should charge him royalties? I know some good lawyers.
I am happy for the guy. I don’t mind at all. I get reports from the province that there are local radio ads that are clearly an imitation of my speaking style. My voice isn’t copyrighted, everybody’s welcome to use it.
Just be wary when they start to copy your face. Those baby damulag looks must remain proprietary.
But you know, this “Mike Enriquez” thing will come and go. The more important thing is there is the next generation of credible individuals who will deliver the news. I firmly believe that there is somebody out there who is waiting for me stumble over and will say “I am going to be the one sitting on that chair!”
And that guy will be Mang Enriquez.
HAIR-RAISING INVESTIGATION
So when did your investigation reveal that the hair on your head was being illegally harvested?
I was not losing hair. I don’t want to lose hair.
I am with you there, Idol Mike. Unfortunately, my genetic heritage refuses to cooperate with me.
Many people refuse to believe that this is my real hair. Just this morning, I told Arnold Clavio that this (points to his full head of hair) is real. I even asked the production assistants to try and rip off my hair. This is for real ha! This is not a wig.
So you not only have the mutant ability to speak at the speed of sound, but you also have superhumanly strong hair as well. God is not fair.
Then here comes Svenson with a new hair corrective treatment and the Revage laser hair recovery therapy. Revage is a low-level laser therapy that is ideal for falling and thinning hair. It helps stops hair loss and stimulate hair growth.
Stimulation is always good.
They use this technology with laser diodes that rotate around your scalp. The treatment leads to faster hair recovery, significantly stops hair loss progression and increases hair density. In fact, Svenson will be putting up a billboard soon featuring this newest hair loss protection treatment with me as the endorser. When that billboard goes up, I am going to go up to Mang Enriquez and say “Eat your heart out!”
Careful lang. Don’t agitate Mang Enriquez too much. He might start charging you royalties.
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For more information on the hair corrective treatment and Revage, please call 892-HAIR (4247).
For comments, suggestion or if you know what ‘tatantanan’ really means, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com, or visit www.rjledesma.net and www.unomagazine.com.ph. Add me up in twitter @rjled.