Pass the gas

Because one good fart deserves another. Ever since my last column on everybody’s favorite bodily gas, I have had a steady buildup of questions from my three female readers with regard to the facts on flatulence.    

So I have been saving all of your gaseous emissions for a man for whom flatulence is just one of the hazards on the job: Dr. Ernesto Olympia, head of the Gastroenterology department of the Makati Medical Center. Dr. Olympia reveals everything you ever wanted to know, everything you ever needed to know, and everything you never wanted to know about the art of the fart. 

In a follow-up interview with The Philippine STAR, the good doctor stresses the importance of mind over muscle control when it comes to passing gas. Because if the mind is willing, then the sphincter will reek.

The Force is in you

PHILIPPINE STAR: Doc, Is there such a thing as a normal fart — in terms of smell, duration, sound, radiation levels?

DR. ERNESTO OLYMPIA: It really depends on your skill. 

I didn’t even know that it was a skill. Is this a skill that is registered by the Professional Regulatory Commission?

You can actually master the art of accumulating gas and giving a big bang.

So you also need to register this skill with the bureau of firearms. 

There are also people who can eliminate air with a great crescendo. And there are other people who can eliminate air in a tapering amount. Still there are others who can eliminate it in a big volume.

I didn’t realize that flatulence had such an operatic quality to it.

You see, the anal sphincter can be consciously controlled. You can control the opening and the closing of the sphincter. It’s just like your voice box.   

So I can actually control the offensiveness of my anal box as much as I can control the offensiveness my voice box? May I make a small confession: I have been training for several years to control my sphincter muscle to the point that I can use it to pick up small household objects. In my yoga practice, we have to master the art of moolah banda or, in English, anal lock. Anyway, let us not go further into this without the benefit of alcohol. 

I guess you are really focused and dedicated to the art and craft of sphincter control. (Laughs) 

Don’t laugh too hard, Doc. Baka mautot ka (You might fart). Some people have actually made decent professions out of their sphincter. And I am not just talking about Sasha Grey. (If you get this joke, you should be going to confession.) In 1892, there was a French performer named La Petomane (which means “the crazy farter”) who performed in Moulin Rouge in Paris. His talents included playing various show tunes, blowing smoke, and putting out candles with this second favorite orifice. From where did La Petomane get this amazing muscle control? Was it a gift from God?

Well, if you are in a gathering or in a meeting, you will somehow be forced to take full control of your sphincter. So doing this all the time will give you mastery over it.

Moulin Rouge, here I come!

Smell My Vengeance

I have been analyzing myself in the safety of my banyo, and I believe there are three components that come into play every time — the smell, the sound, and the karma. Let us tackle first what is explainable by medical science. What accounts for the pungent smell of your fart? And how do you increase the pungency of a fart if you want to take vengeance on someone? 

If the air in a fart is just made up of carbon dioxide and oxygen and nitrogen, then it is usually odorless. But when the fart is mixed with other chemicals like sulfides — which come from the digestion of proteins like meat — then you will have some smell in your fart.

Aha! So that is how farm animals take revenge from beyond the grave.

But it also depends on how long the stool has been in the colon. The longer the stool has been in the colon, the more aromatic and pungent the fart.

After having taken several colonic irrigations, I discovered that I not only have stools in my colon, I also have some chairs, coffee tables, even drawer cabinets. There could even be a furniture factory in there. Now why are some farts more, ahem, aromatic than others? 

The smell of your fart really depends on the food that you eat and the frequency that you move your bowels. I have patients who are constipated and cannot achieve a daily movement. They often complain that their fart is quite smelly.

All those years spent in med school and several more in specialization to correctly identify one’s sickness by the aroma of their farts. When you share insights like that with me, you make me feel glad that I am a journalist. How come some farts are warmer, more pungent and more mahapdi (painful) than others? These are the type of farts that feel like they’ve melted through your bikini briefs?

I am really amazed as to how you have attended to those details.

We all need to give our lives meaning, Doc.

No, I don’t think there’s any significant difference with those types of farts.

So the search for meaning continues. Let’s say you want to reverse your bad karma. Is there a way for your flatulence to smell less pungent? Should you swallow a bottle of perfume or a can of aerosol or bricks of charcoal? 

No matter what you do, I don’t think you change the chemicals that are produced by the foods that you eat.

I’ll have to continue sharing my karma, I guess.

(God help me. — RJ’s wife)

The Sound of the Fury

Doc, what accounts for the sound — or the lack of sound — when you fart? Is the sound the result of the tightness of the sphincter muscle coupled with the velocity of the gas being propelled? Is the sound the result of the radius of your anal embouchure? Or is the sound the result of your butt cheeks flapping as gas escapes your stink hole?

Again, the sound your fart makes really depends on your sphincter control. Because if you really want to make it whistle, then you can just pucker it and allow for a small opening. But if you really want a big, big bang, then you just let loose of all control. You will have maybe a low volume but a big farting sound.

You really have heard it all, haven’t you, Doc? The last time I saw someone with that level of sphincter control was in the red light district in Thailand. That person could not only make the sphincter muscle play the piano, it could also perform some basic math problems as well. Is there a direct correlation between the sound and the pungency of your farts? So for example, you have the “silent but deadly” farts but also the “noisy but does not require declaring a state of national calamity” farts?

I would imagine that those who do it silently with a lot of “flavors” are the ones you should watch out for. These “silent ones” are those who are really able to control their sphincter and these are the people who release these farts intentionally.

Buti pa kaming mga exhibionists. Walang masamang balak (At least we exhibitionists are better off. We have no malicious intentions).

For those with noisy farts, they are the ones who just let it go with abandonment. 

Excuse me. We don’t call it abandonment, we call it self-expression. But how about those who don’t like to express themselves? For example, what happens if you are in a crowded place, so to prevent yourself from farting, you keep it in. Is that dangerous? Will that make you implode?

I don’t think there are any long-lasting effects to holding your fart inside. But you will place yourself in a position of embarrassment if you cannot control it. You will not re-absorb the gas inside. The side effect is that, if you keep the gas inside, then the intestines will rebel. Then the intestines will try to contract more violently and that will cause pain and spasms. The only way to get rid of the pain is to release it.

George Benson had it so right: learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

The Gas Chamber

Can you suffocate on your own farts if you are in an enclosed room? Or are you immune to your own farts? God knows I’ve almost passed out on from my own flatulence a couple of times.

I don’t think so. I think everyone is actually interested in how their farts smell. Some just want to share it with others, but you know you are familiar with your own fart. 

You are a gastroenterologist and a psychiatrist at the same time, I see. What happens when you inhale somebody else’s farts? Can it clear your sinuses? Or cause brain damage? Or even cause genetic mutations? After years of colonoscopies, I am sure your nose has lost many a nerve ending.

I don’t get affected by the smell of flatulence anymore. But there are some people who have a very sensitive sense of smell. If they smell something as obnoxious as a fart, it could already affect their digestive system. You could either become constipated or have diarrhea. Or they may just get flatulent.

A fart begets a fart. Talk about retributive justice at work. Speaking of which, can you actually turn your fart into a blowtorch or is that merely wishful thinking? I have tried with some posporo (matchsticks) but all I have managed to do is singe some hair that has since grown back since my last Brazilian wax.

No, no, of course not. Your fart is not made out of methane unless you are pig. (Laughs)

My family begs to differ.

People have tried. But the power of their fart can extinguish the flame instead of making it worse.

Let me check again once the burns heal. Can you bottle up your farts and use it for self-preservation? I read that in 14th-century Europe, people would fart into a jar and set it free to help ward off the plague from entering their homes.

We all have different levels of creativity and if you want to preserve it in a bottle and share it with someone, nobody is stopping you. 

That’s what I told my wife. But the bottles were occupying too much space in the ref. Doc, sa awa ng Diyos ito na ang huling tanong ko (By the mercy of God, this will be my last question). Can you actually die from your own farts?

Hmmm… I don’t think so. The worst that can happen if you keep it inside of you is that there will eventually come a time when you will lose control of your sphincter. And because it is a matter of survival, you will have to eliminate it.

That’s why I always like to begin my day with the end in mind.

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