Wherefore Fart Thou?

I fart in your general direction. — French castle guard in Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Although my ovo-lacto vegetarian diet has turned my intestinal tract into a strangely melodious wind chime that threatens the quality of air of those who tread within a five-foot radius of me, my violation of their airspace is hardly my most pressing concern.  

What is my more pressing concern — you may ask — aside from the gas that is constantly pressing against my colon? It is this: Is my vegetarian diet contributing to global warming?

You see, my regular gas production levels are probably enough to put up my own gas station. But In a recent visit with my family to see my in-laws in the States, I appeared to have contracted giardia (a.k.a. Traveller’s Diarrhea; a.k.a. The Wrath Of God) and produced enough gas to put my colon in direct competition with the big three oil players. But, more than that, I think I produced enough gas to puncture a hole the size of a basketball in the ozone layer.  

Seeing as how my overachieving colon caused much familial discord, costly fumigation bills and ecological upheavals — my wife ordered me to see a specialist. She wanted me to see someone who is no longer fazed by flatulence. She wanted me to see someone for whom flatulence was part of a regular working day. And, most importantly, she wanted me to see someone so that she could get me out of the house and enjoy a few precious hours free from flatulence. 

So I visited a specialist who has known many an orifice in his lifetime: Dr. Ernesto Olympia, the head of the Gastroenterology department of the Makati Medical Center. 

PHILIPPINE STAR: Doc, do I need to take off my clothes before we start the interview so you can check if everything down there is in working order? Don’t worry, I’m wearing disposable underwear.

DR. ERNESTO OLYMPIA, GASTROENTEROLOGIST: No, thank you. It’s enough to know that you have two orifices — your mouth and your anus.

Funny, that’s what my wife tells me too when I offer to take off my clothes. Just to set the record straight, you are a gastroenterologist. So you’ve probably smelled many farts in your profession?

All the time. (Laughs) We perform procedures like colonoscopy — wherein we insert a tube in the colon. In the process, you actually allow the intestinal gases to escape.

I think we just lost several hundred aspiring gastroenterologists with that first question. So, doc, let’s get to the bottom of it. Why do we fart? Is this some cruel invention of intelligent design? Is this how God makes sure that we all stay humble? Is this how we will all individually contribute to the end of the world in 2012?

When there is an excessive production of gas that gets stored up in the colon, then eventually you will have to eliminate it, or else you will feel a lot of discomfort and — in some cases — even pain. Flatuence is the body’s physiological way of reducing the amount of gas in the colon. 

So it’s true pala when they say I’m full of hot air. I’ve read that the average person passes gas about 14 times a day. Is that true?    

Well, I don’t think I fart 14 times a day. (Laughs)

You wouldn’t make a good salesperson, doc.

The amount of gas that you produce is dependent on the type of food that you eat. If the type of food that you eat generates a lot of gas, then you will have to eliminate gas more often.

Really? Based on what I read, we eliminate a liter of gas every day.

I would imagine probably more gas than that, especially on days that you are particularly gassy.

That being the case, I think I’m way over quota. 

Your flatulence is also dependent on whether there is a disturbance in the coordination or rhythm of your intestinal contractions.

I didn’t realize that you needed a sense of rhythm to fart less. Apparently, my colon moves to a beat of its own.

What A Gas

Doc, what exactly is a fart composed of? And can any of those ingredients be used in the development of weapons of mass destruction?

A fart is a mixture of gases consisting of oxygen, carbon dioxide, nitrogen and sulfides.

Sulfides? Isn’t that like the modern world for brimstone? So farts must be what hell smells like. 

Our farts are not like pure carbon dioxide. Nor are our farts like methane, which is the type of fart that a pig produces.

Are you telling me that the quality of our farts is different from that of pig farts? Or from cow farts?

No, we don’t have the same kind of farts as those animals.

So as we move up in the food chain, we don’t contribute as much to the greenhouse gas effect as our farm friends?

No. It has never been measured as to whether or not humans contribute to the greenhouse gas effect.

That changes my whole view towards life. I can now conclusively say that I am not a pig.

(Three seconds of uneasy silence follow.)

Excuse me, doc. That was just me celebrating life. What types of foods will turn my colon into a highly effective crowd dispersal tool?

The most common food that gives you excessive amounts of gas is dairy products, such as milk. If you are intolerant of milk — which means you are unable to fully digest the sugar or the lactose in the milk — then you will definitely generate more gas.

Damn bovines. Not only do cows fart enough to exacerbate global warming, their milk makes you fart as well. When will this cow madness end?

Other foods include nuts and legumes. These foods are heavy in nitrogen and can also give you a lot of gas. Vegetables like cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower and beets can also give you a lot of gas. As for fruits, there are grapes, apples and, from my experience, watermelons. If you eat these foods in excessive amounts, you get more gas.

Doc, you just described my entire diet. Are you saying that I am a walking time bomb? Why does God want vegetarians to suffer more?

It actually has to do with the breakdown of these foods in the digestive system. To help improve their bowel movement, we encourage people to eat more fiber. But fiber can actually produce gas when it is being metabolized by your digestive system.

But don’t we vegetarians live an environmentally friendly lifestyle as it is? Why does God still want to turn us into his musical instruments?

I’m not saying that you should cut down on your vegetables. I just want you to be informed that these foods can generate gas. Don’t be surprised that when you eat these particular foods, you fart more. 

Well, I am happy with my vegetarian diet. I may have lost many a close friend to suffocation along the way, but I am still happy with my vegetarian diet.

No One Is Above The Fart

I have been having a running argument with my wife. And I am usually the one who does the running away. The argument is: Who farts more? Men or women? We need to clear the air.  

I’m not sure if there was a study that was made on that. But anyone, man or woman, can produce different volumes of air. If you are fond of only eating vegetables and fruits, then you will produce more gas. So, if a woman is watching her diet and she is eating only salads, then she will probably fart more. 

Not that my wife farts ha, doc? And even if she did, I am not at liberty to disclose that type of personal information or else I will violate our prenuptial agreement. There is another running argument I have with DOMs: Who farts more? Old people or young people? And you may be considered young even if you have premature hair loss.

I’m not too sure about this. But I would say that older people may fart more because as you age, your muscles begin to relax, you lose your tonicity and may not be able to fully control your sphincter. Elderly people probably have some dis-coordination of their intestinal rhythm, so they accumulate more gas.

And here I was thinking that maybe older people fart less because they’ve had years of practice with their sphincter. 

Young people are very active. So through their physical activity, they are probably eliminating some gas without really knowing it. 

They fart without even knowing it? Where’s the satisfaction in that? How about the time of day? Do you fart more in the morning or in the evening?

If you had a big dinner the night before, then you’ll probably end up farting more in the morning. However, gassiness or flatulence is usually felt more in the afternoon. This is because — aside from having two meals including merienda — it is also the time that you make conversation.

Wait, wait, wait — hold the merienda. You’re saying that talking makes you flatulent!? That my greatest asset is my greatest weapon?

You inadvertently swallow air. When you converse, you swallow air in the process. If you do a lot of talking, you can actually feel the need to fart at the latter part of the day. Even when you swallow your own saliva, it has bubbles of gas.

I am vegetarian, I spend hours in front of a computer instead of spending five minutes on a treadmill, and I talk excessively. So that probably means that I’m a walking time bomb, and all it takes to set me off is to pull my finger. Speaking of excessive, are there cases of people who fart excessively? What causes excessive farting? Wrong dietary choices? Appearing on three-hour long tsismis shows on Sundays? Mortal sin?

Again, this is dependent on the food that you eat and on your physical activity. If you live a sedentary lifestyle, then you have probably accumulated more gas in your system.

Excuse me, doc. I just celebrated my sedentary lifestyle. 

There are also some people who may really have problems with their digestive systems. They may have ulcer or inflammatory bowel disease or inflammation of the colon, so their farting is indicative of a problem. But the more common reason for excessive farting is if you are diabetic because you tend to be a little more gassy.

Kaya pala yaya e! At lagi mo pa naman binibintang sa baby. (So that’s the reason why, yaya! And all this time you’ve been blaming the baby!)

Flat Tire

Doc, how about those times when you really need to fart, but your fart can’t seem to find its way out?

When you want to fart but you are unable to achieve flatulence, this is because the gas is trapped somewhere in the upper area of the intestines. So it doesn’t matter how much effort you exert, it is not going to come out.

So how do I get my fart out of there? Do I need to give it a map? Do I need to take some medication? Do I need to send in a bomb squad? How do I bring it to fruition? 

In situations like these, you may have a motility problem with your intestines. It is not working in rhythm to propel the air downwards. Sometimes the inability to fart is classified as dyspepsia so you may have to take medications like prokinetics to stimulate the intestines to move.

No wonder the price of gas has skyrocketed.

On the other hand, people who have diarrhea take constipating agents that cause them to accumulate gas in their intestines. These people often end up with a lot of flatulence because their intestines are temporarily paralyzed.

Excuse me, doc. I can’t feel my intestines. And there are also some people — who shall remain nameless — who fart uncontrollably. Why do these people fart when get nervous or when they sneeze or when they perform activities that should ideally be sanctioned by religious authorities?

There are bodily processes — like sneezing — that overcome your ability to control your flatulence. When you sneeze, all your attention is on the sneeze, and therefore you lose some of your sphincter control. For activities like sexual intercourse, I guess when you ejaculate, the other sphincter opens up, which also releases the gas. That can be very unromantic.

That is probably the reason why my wife wants me to keep my clothes on during those moments.

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For comments, suggestions or if you want to pull my finger, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart or Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.