MIS-SPELLING

Beware the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB), my three female readers, whose hearts you have so ignominiously trampled upon when you encountered them in the gym, in the workplace and in the police lineup. Because these men (if you can call them that) will finally be getting their revenge. And all these men (so called) will need is a Twitter account, a pink-glazed donut, and a pair of freshly laundered bikini briefs.

Meet Tony Perez: visual artist, award-winning author and playwright, trainer of both the Spirit Questors and the Santeros Filipinos, spiritual counselor and part-time cupid. He is running amuck in a pair of angel wings and adult diapers shooting up random civilians with the arrows of love. And he wants you to be one of the victims. 

Make your act of contrition now as we count down Sir Tony’s specially concocted Valentine’s Love Spells for readers of this column. And, remember these spells are genuine as a presidential candidate’s campaign promises and arranged in progressive (ahem) impropriety. Please do not try them without getting the permission of your mother, your parish priest or your yaya (or whomever can make you feel the most guilt).

Last week we began with a text-messaging spell. Now we continue with a spell that will make your service provider happy.

SPELL NO. 2: Sorry I Forgot to Lock My Phone, But I’m Locking in Your Heart

Step 1: You need to obtain a new SIM card for this one so that your name doesn’t show up when you send the prescribed messages to the woman you are wooing.

Step 2: Encode the message “YOU ARE DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME” and send it to the woman seven times within seven –minute intervals.

Step 3: If the woman responds, merely reply, “sor1 4got 2 lock my fone n pocket.” Note how the word “sorry” is deliberately misspelled, so that all numbers in the message add up to 7.

Step 4: Keep the reply in your inbox for the next seven days.

PHILIPPINE STAR: Sir Tony, this is definitely a love spell that will make the NTC seriously reconsider the ban on importing cell phone jammers in the country. In the spell, we see the repetitive use of the number seven, does it have something to do with luck, with obsessive compulsive behavior or with magic?

TONY PEREZ: Seven is the number of divinity.

You probably would need divine intervention if you were as lucky as the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) out there. But if you send the woman the same text seven times, won’t she think that you need psychological counseling? Or that she should report you to the NBI? Or that she would be, at the very least, be repelled by your kakulitan? 

But look at you. You are makulit. And yet, your wife loves you. 

True that. But that’s because I stopped at six texts. Every six minutes.  

You will need medical attention after all those steamy nights (after conducting the spell).

That’s what happens when the air-conditioning conks out.

SPELL NO. 3: Twitting with wit.

Step 1: Open an anonymous Twitter account using an alias and send the following poem to your beloved:

“I’m sending you this love spell

Hoping all goes well

I love you so much, you see

And want the world to be you and me.”

Sir Tony, you are not only a Palanca-award winning writer, but you might also have a lucrative career as a greeting card writer as well. If they set this poem to music, it would make the regular playlist of 96.3 WRock. What is it about the power of poetry in a spell that bewitches the woman? Is it the lyrical nature of the poem? Is it the neuro-linguistic programming? Is it the increase in bad cholesterol?

The explanation of the relationship between rhyme and magick is in the introductions to my books Mga Panibagong Orasyon and Mga Panibagong Orasyon Sa Magica Cantada by Anvil Publishing, Inc. Yes, this is a plug.

Really? The same way that I Do or I Die, RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Getting Married and Other Man-Made Disasters, also by Anvil Publishing, is a plug? Grabe ka naman mag-plugging, Sir Tony.

SPELL NO. 4: For E-Males Only

Step 1: You don’t have to open an anonymous e-mail account for this one. Open a new message document and project onto the blank screen all of the thoughts and feelings that you would like to send to your beloved.

Step 2: Since you have to say the words aloud, you have to make sure you are all alone — not surrounded by strangers on adjacent workstations in an Internet café.

Step 3: After you are done, send the blank message. It, actually, isn’t blank anymore.

A lot of NGSBs I know do a lot of projection in front of computer screens when nobody is looking. So basically, instead of sending your thoughts through the ether or through smoke signals, you are sending it through the Internet?

That’s right, you are passing it through cyberspace. You can also do it by staring at a TV screen whenever a live show is playing.

I’d be cautious with using the term “live show” among NGSBs, Sir Tony. You never know where they will do their projection.

SPELL NO. 5: Breathing in the Spirit of Love

Step 1: Buy your woman a drink.

Step 2: Before handing it to her — and while she isn’t looking, of course — blow your breath gently on the surface of the drink.

Step 3: While blowing on the drink, visualize that she is deeply in love with you and that she desires you completely.

To perform this spell effectively, do you have to have fresh breath?

Preferably.

I never realized how important oral hygiene was to magic. Can you perform this spell on a random woman you just met?

Unless you look like a junior trainee of the Ativan Gang.

(The assembled cry of the NGSBs: Nnooooo!!!!)

SPELL NO. 6: Divination with Donuts

When you have friends over in your place, serve a tray of assorted donuts. These should include one pink-glazed, one orange-glazed, and one white-glazed donut. The woman who takes:

a. The pink-glazed donut will be willing to have intercourse with you and will eventually fall in love with you;

b. The orange-glazed donut will be willing to have sex with you, but she will only use you for intercourse;

c. The white-glazed donut will be willing to have intercourse with you, but will regret it afterwards.

(Tomorrow’s headlines: Orange-glazed donuts supply reach critical levels. Donut executives receive death threats from thousands of desperate single men.)

I didn’t realize that donuts had a magical power aside from ability to exponentially increase your waistlines. Just what is the secret power of the donut? The cream filling?

No, it has to be a donut with a hole. A donut with a hole has a symbolic meaning. Let’s leave it at that.

I see, so what happens if you use munchkins?

Munchkins don’t have holes. You can poke holes through, though. If you’re that small.

Naughty ka, Sir Tony. And why do you have these specific colors for the donuts? Does magic have to be color-coordinated?

Colors have meanings. Orange is for sex and lust, pink for love and affection, white for purity, like Tony Perez.

I didn’t know you were color-blind, Sir Tony.  

SPELL NO. 7: A La Pinata

Step 1: Buy five pieces of rock candy with pink plastic wrapping. Place them inside your briefs — yes, you heard me right. Let them stay there for the next five hours.

Step 2: After the prescribed time, place a passport photo of your beloved on a white saucer inside your bedroom and shower it with the pieces of rock candy, still unwrapped.

Step 3: You may keep this portable altar in your bedroom as is or eventually give the candy to your beloved.

Is there a particular reason why you need to ferment the candy in your underwear? Not under your armpit? Or in any other body part not usually visited by sunlight?

The rock candy infuses your genital area with sweetness, fragrance, and attractiveness.

I didn’t realize that the genital area had to be aesthetically pleasing when it came to love. But how exactly does fermenting rock candy in that region make a woman attracted to you? Is that area mildly hallucinogenic? 

It subconsciously transforms your thoughts, behavior, and words to sweetness.

Until she finds out where the rock candy came from and regurgitates your sweetness all over your face.

And before their life support systems give out on them, I present to all the Dirty Old Men (DOMs) out there the spell to end all dry spells.  

SPELL NO. 8: Tony Perez’s Love Potion

Step 1: Wash your underwear.

Step 2: Set aside a bowl of clean, mineral water for a final rinse. 

Step 3: Using a dropper, mix five drops of this solution while cooking the rice or viand that you intend to cook and serve to the woman you would like to fall in love with you.

Step 4: You may also mix five drops of this solution into her drink.

You had me at “wash your underwear.” But why use the water from your final rinse when the underwear is almost clean? Don’t you have to use the water from your first rinse to assure of the solution’s — ahem — potency? After all, you’ve already asked the spell casters to give a woman a rock candy they fermented in their briefs.

You have to draw the water after the last wash since rinse water, being the final lave, is tasteless. Otherwise the water will taste like your—

Ooh-kay… Next question. What is the secret power of freshly laundered underwear that will make the woman fall in love with you? Aside from proving to her that you have the potential to be domesticated?

The power of your underwear contains all the excess energy exuded by your sex chakra. It is a fabric reservoir.

I’m glad my reservoir is XXXL. Well, thanks for the interview, Sir Tony.

No problem at all. Would you like some donuts?

How can I say no? (Oh, don’t worry, my three female readers. I have this all under control. He doesn’t know that I’m bulimic.)

* * *

You can visit Tony Perez’s blog at http://tonyperezphilippines.blogspot.com.

For comments, suggestions, or if you want some rock candy, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. You can also subscribe to twitter.com/rjled610.