Spelling bee

Tony Perez is giving you a magic wand this Valentine’s season. And all you have to do to make the wand work is press “send.” So why does Tony Perez know how to turn your cell phone into Harry Potter’s pick-up stick? Because he is the prolific author of such books as Mga Panibagong Kulam, Beings Encounters of the Spirit Questors with Non-Human Entities and Malagim ang Gabi sa Sitio Catacutan. Because — by his own account — Tony is only partially human and comprised of multiple souls since he already died three times in the past (first at the age of three, second at the age of 13 and third during his asiento/ita for life).

And finally, because Tony Perez is an honest-to-God magician. He’s even got the wands to show for it.

But, more importantly, Perez wants you to share your wand — este, your love — with someone this Valentine’s season, whether that someone is alive or undead. In particular, he has a soft spot in that multiple, partially human heart of his for the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) brigade: he wants to make sure that you (presumably) young men aren’t lonely this season lest your forearms grow more asymmetrical and misshapen than they already are.

I asked our love magic guru if he could concoct a set of spells for all the NGSBs who would have otherwise spent this season getting intimate with men’s magazines and — voila! — faster than mudslinging among presidential candidates, Tony Perez pumped out 10 love spells, which he dubbed — just for me — “Ten Valentine’s Love Spells Composed Especially for RJ Ledesma.” I was very flattered by this gesture, considering that the last time somebody bothered to draft a document that had my name printed on it, I had to be hauled into court.

Tony even took some time to elucidate on each of these spells while he exorcised me of several hundred ornery spirits that had been using my body as real estate ever since I started this column. Need I remind you, this is not the hocus-pocus fluff that you see onstage or in reality shows or government projects. These are actual love spells. And since you have been aptly warned, I enjoin you to apply these spells with a little caution, a little reverence, and a little alcohol (the rubbing kind). 

The Quezon City Spelling Bee

PHILIPPINE STAR: Sir Tony, how exactly did you come up with specially composed spells? Were these spells partly drawn from intuition? From wisdom? From somewhere tasteful? 

TONY PEREZ: Since I am a demi-god and immortal, the answer is all of the above.

Just how efficacious do you think these love spells are? Is it directly proportional to how sincere you are? Or how passionate you are? Or how desperate you are?

How efficacious is prayer? How efficacious is a novena? How efficacious is any ritual? All these rituals open astral doors and pathways for you to present your petitions to high-level spirit guides. Whether your prayers are answered or not depends on the purity of your intention, the manner in which you opened your astral gate and pathway, and your personal relationship with your spirit guides.

These spells should be performed with a purity of intention? Naku, that means this spell won’t work with all the DOMs and administration candidates reading this column.

And then, there is God, who is all-powerful. If what you do does not conform with His cosmic laws, then you will not get what you ask for.

So if those NGSBs want these spells to work for them, they should probably stop performing those ungodly things in the bathroom when they think nobody is looking. Sir Tony, you wrote up 10 love spells. Did you arrange these spells according to their level of potency? From attraction to infatuation to obsession?

Since I wrote them for you, they are in order of increasing obscenity.

You know me and my three female readers so well, Sir Tony.   Is there any sort of preparatory magic work involved before you invoke any of these spells? And does any of the preparation involve animals, blood, and being in a state of undress?

Please. I am still a virgin, and so are my sensibility and my ears.

And the preparation involves a sense of humor as well, I see. 

One must have purity of heart and be properly attired. Rum is always the substitute for blood, but I hope that you’re still sober by the time you begin your spell. The first and last libations are to the earth. So, you might need more than a bottle to sate your thirst.

Speaking of sating your thirst, are there any virgin sacrifices involved? I know some guys who are willing to make the sacrifice.

As to the sacrifice of virgins, which I have never experienced, perhaps we could explore this together some night.

Um, I’ll have to ask my wife’s permission first.

I Want To Sex You Up

Are these spells more effective than using a gayuma on your target?

These spells ARE gayuma.        

(Ativan gang: Sir Tony, would you like to make some money on the side?)

I understand that these spells are gender-specific. So the spells that you have made can only be performed by males for females and not vice-versa? Why is this so? Is that so my yaya can’t use these spells for a more sinister agenda?

Like clothing, I would have to design special spells for particular people. Performing the latter would be equivalent to cross-dressing.

Which I think is perfectly fine as long as you get a good Brazilian wax. So, once you perform your spell on your intended target, what do you do next? Sit down in front of your television set, watch the spell-binding latest episode of Habang May Buhay, and wait until your spell-addled beloved kicks open your door?

Among other things. You have to wait and then open the door, of course. Don’t start out naked. Make her tear your clothes off. That’s kinky but extremely pleasurable.

Hmmm, let me ask my wife about that. What I find interesting about these spells is that you can cast them using “technology” as your medium — like with social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and if God is merciful, on Friendster as well or with your cellular phone. Does the use of the technology alter the quality of the spell? Will the girl that you will end up having romantic relationships be a character from a video game? 

No. In ancient times, cyberspace already existed. It was called ether. The Net could very well have been called the Akashic Blogspots. We are more interconnected now, because computers show us how all this is reality.

I wonder how much the ancients had to pay for prepaid ether accounts. Is there a limit to the number of times that you can perform the spells on your intended target before the warranty on the spell runs out? Is there a limit to a number of times you can have sex? Even with yourself, of course?

Well, as long as your warranty on yourself doesn’t run out, I guess you’re fine. Just make to sure to drink plenty of liquids. 

And, probably the last and most important question that all the skeptical NGSBs reading this column want answered: Have you tested any of these spells out for yourself?

Of course. Does a chef not taste his concoctions before serving them to others?

You must have some really good home cooking in your place.

Improving Your Vocabulary

So, Sir Tony, let us start out with your least obscene love spell via the magic of wireless communication. And I recommend that all the rookie magicians try out this spell before your service provider starts overcharging you for sending out spells through text.

It goes like this:

Step 1: Encode the message “URMINE” and send it to the woman you are wooing.

Step 2: If she replies, text back “Missent,” explaining that you were informing a cousin to take a urine sample to the family doctor.

Step 3: Delete both messages (the Sent message and the Inbox message) immediately, releasing them to the ether.

I hope that the woman you are wooing does not reply with “U PISS ME OFF.” Now, is it essential to be personally acquainted with the intended target? Or a friend of a friend? Or someone you saw on the street? Or someone who has hauled you off to court for stalking?

The spell can be performed on a perfect stranger. You usually get what you ask for, which is often disappointing. Either she was too easy to get or you eventually realize that she has asymmetrical breasts and is not your type after all.

You might be surprised. Most NGSBs have one type of woman, if they’re picky at all, and that is the type with a pulse. And don’t fret too much about asymmetrical body parts; most NGSBs have asymmetrical forearms to begin with.  

So, Sir Tony, how do I go about getting the cellphone number of the woman I am wooing? Should it be through legal or extralegal means? Should I acquire through asking her friends? Though underworld connections? Through the Interpol?

 It depends on your state of morality, which I prefer not to have control of, because you must pay for your own karma without my having to lend you any merits.

Do I have to get her permission to ask for her cellphone number?

If you insist on being immoral, yes.

Where exactly is the ether and how do I get there from EDSA?

Ether is everywhere. It is in the air that you breathe. In fiction, it is called The Weave.

Where is cyberspace?

From EDSA coming from Makati, turn left at P. Tuazon Street.

Since the advent of mass-texting, can you also mass-spell women as well?

You can send out the spell to as many people as your prepaid load will allow. 

Is there any consequence to “mass-spelling”?

Certainly. It depends on whether you can take the physical stress.

That is probably the reason why these spells won’t work for DOMs. 

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Hankering for more love spells? The countdown continues next week to the top 10 love spells. In the meantime, don’t wear out your load (prepaid or otherwise) on the first spell. Visit Tony Perez’s blog at http://tonyperezphilippines.blogspot.com.

For comments, suggestions, or if you need help with your wand, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. You can also subscribe to twitter.com/rjled610.