OH, POOH

There are many things that you will learn from The Tao of Pooh. The Tao of Pooh uses cartoon animals to educate readers in the principles of Taoism, such as “things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power” (P’u) or “things are as they are” (the Cottlestone Pie) and, finally, the idea “to do without doing it” (Wu Wei or the Pooh way).

However, there are some more esoteric principles that are not captured in The Tao of Pooh, such as “You can only have intercourse with your eyes closed” (Ay’naku) or “You should refrain from intercourse during a full moon” (Yari’Aku) or that “You should not have intercourse for about a day after an acupuncture session” (Patay’kang’bata’ku).

Yes, The Tao of Pooh does not discuss matters of such import. Probably because Pooh does not appear to have any reproductive organs.

But the Tao of Dr. Philip Tan-Gatue, MD, Oriental doctor and Mazinger Z fan club president, is a different story altogether. Although Dr. Tan-Gatue may be similar in shape to Pooh, the resemblance strictly ends there. Our good doctor continues to share with us the deepest, darkest secrets of Chinese aphrodisiacs from the ancient Taoist masters, who teach us the efficacy of sea cucumbers; that kidneys are not only there to help you pee; and the true cause behind spontaneous combustion.

This One’s For The Ladeeezzz

DR. PHILIP TAN-GATUE: Let’s start off with aphrodisiacs for women.

PHILIPPINE STAR: That’s a very good place to start.

If a woman’s “yin” is nourished and she is healthy, she tends to enjoy intercourse more often. “Yin” is also a material object that is nourished through the blood. In Chinese medicine, blood has three functions. The first is to provide nourishment to remain strong and healthy. The second is to aid the mind. And the third function is to “moisten” the bodily movements. Blood also moistens the fluids in the genital region. So if a woman is “yin”-deficient, her genital region will not produce lubrication. 

They never taught us about lubrication in automotive class.

She cannot produce lubrication because there is no material or “yin” to produce it. So, men, if your wife is not in the mood, it is not always your fault. At least not directly.

I think my wife would beg to disagree.

These herbal formulas — that can serve as aphrodisiacs — really work on a more holistic level and overlap in function. For example, there are herbal tonics for female patients who are thin, easily perspire, and have little or no sex drive. On the other hand, there are tonics for female patients who have too much of a sex drive but lack the quality of affection.

The League of Dirty Old Men (DOMs): Doc, how much can we pay you not to give those women them tonics?

For example, Cordyceps is traditionally known as a “lung tonic” and an immune booster. Why? Because Cordyceps enters the lungs and the kidney channels. By strengthening the lungs, Cordyceps strengthens the immunity. And by strengthening the kidneys, Cordyceps makes you feel more energetic. As a side effect of strengthening the kidneys, you also strengthen the sexual desire.

(News flash: Hordes of masked, wheelchair-bound, gold necklace-wearing men brazenly raid Chinatown drugstores for lung tonics.)

However, the effects of Cordyceps are not immediate. They are long-term in nature and you have to take it regularly.

(News update: Hordes of masked, wheelchair-bound, gold necklace-wearing men brazenly return lung tonics to Chinatown drugstores. “We can’t wait that long!” they were overheard complaining.)

The thing to remember is that with women, the goal of Chinese medicine is to not make women more libidinous, but rather to make them more affectionate and more loving. In fact, the number-one herb to nourish a woman’s blood is Tang Kui. If a woman regularly takes Tang Kui, she will not necessarily be libidinous, but she will definitely be more affectionate.

The Legions of DOMs: We’ll take what we can get. 

MAN UP

When it comes to aphrodisiacs for men, there are two aspects that must be considered. This is similar to idea in Western medicine called “point and shoot.” The parasympathetic nervous system is in charge of “pointing” while the sympathetic nervous system is in charge of “shooting.” In Chinese medicine, the “yang” aspect helps you get it up, while the “yin” aspect helps you shoot. 

And I’m sure many a No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) has had ample target practice.

In Chinese medicine, the “yang” is about expansion. If one has a “yang” deficiency, he will be unable to get it to stand at attention.

Attention-deficit disorder at its worst.

The “yin” aspect deals with both the quality of your “genetic material” and the subsequent — ahem — release of that “material.” So Chinese aphrodisiacs have to deal with both the yin and yang aspects of the man.

I didn’t realize how much diplomacy was involved in the release of my genetic material.

For patients who have a problem with getting it up, they usually just purchase over-the-counter red ginseng because it supposedly strengthens the “yin.” However, getting it up is a problem of the kidney “yang.” When you have a problem like this, you tend to use…

Hydraulic equipment? Suction cups?

…Deer antler.

Hmm. So you get some deer antler and some Scotch tape and…?

No, no, you use it an as ingredient for a tonic. That’s because one of the principles in Chinese medicine is that you take on the qualities of what you eat.

Deer antler also reduces the “yang” deficiency of the body. In particular, the bud of the deer antler is the most potent because it possesses all of the sexual maturity energy that is ready to emerge.

As long as I don’t grow antlers where they don’t belong, that’s fine by me. But let’s say that the equipment is in working order, how do you know that it’s fully loaded without violating church doctrine?

If the patient’s problem is not so much getting it up, but that he gets easily tired or he has poor quality of “genetic material,” that is a kidney “yin” problem. Remember that there is a release of “genetic material” after intercourse.

I’m not sure about that. All I know is that the lights are closed.

When there is a release of “material,” that is also a release of “yin.” And when there is a release of “yin,” do you think your supply of “yin” will just fill up like magic?

That’s what they tell you if you come from an all-boys’ Catholic school. 

The aspect of the “yin” or the essence where the “material” comes from needs to be renewed. It could also be that the “yin” aspect of the man has been neglected. In these situations, I recommend Rehmannia (Chinese name: Di Huang), which is a wonderful, wonderful herb for many deficiencies. There are a lot of ready-made, over-the-counter formulas that already contain Rehmannia like Liu Wei Di Huang Wan. Fact is, while Rehmannia’s main purpose is to strengthen the kidney essence or “yin”…

Because strong kidneys are very important so that we can pee without dribbling?

…The second purpose it to fuel the ability to reproduce.

There shouldn’t be any dribbling there as well.

When your kidney essence is down, so many other things are down as well. In Chinese medicine, the kidney controls several functions, including reproduction and development. So the inability to produce sperm, that is a reproductive function. Usually, in Western medicine, when an old patient cannot get an erection, they will give him something that will force an erection.

Legion of DOMs: The end justifies the means.

But on the other hand, Chinese medicine will ask: how come he cannot get an erection? Is he yin-deficient? Is he yang-deficient? They look at the overall picture.

Legion of DOMs: We can’t wait for an overall picture when the girls charge us on a per-hour basis!

When it comes to Chinese medicine, it is always better to consult an expert as there is often a tendency for patients to self-medicate. For example, a lot of male patients take a lot of “yang” tonic like ginseng to help them stand at attention. However, ginseng is a warming food. If you have too much ginseng, you end up burning your reserves.

Which explains why many of you DOMs spontaneously combust.

And if you burn up your reserves, your body becomes tired. That is why you also need a lot of cooling foods like sea cucumbers. They’re excellent in the long-term for nourishing essence. Sea cucumbers are perfect because they are also warming, so it’s got a little bit of “yang” to help you get it up, but it also nourishes the essence so it helps keep your “yin” from coming out.

I thought sea cucumbers were created to give men an inferiority complex.

Again, these tonics are not something that will work if you only take it right before intercourse. They need to be consumed over time. These are aphrodisiacs in the sense that they enable you to perform but not necessarily to perform right then and there.

Well, not everybody is good at live performances. But there are men who are very good at faking it.

In Chinese medicine, it’s all about balance. There are also herbal tonics that work on both the “yin” and “yang” aspect through the blood which heal a lot of diseases related to those sexual concerns. Some of these herbs overlap in function: Let’s go back to Cordyceps. Cordyceps is also good for men because it strengthens kidney “yin” and “yang.”

(News flash: Yet another daring raid of Chinatown drugstores by masked wheelchair-bound, gold necklace-wearing men who re-take the supplies of Cordyceps.)

This is an ideal herb because not only will it get it standing but it will also make sure that you have bullets in your magazine. 

It’s always good to know that you aren’t firing blanks.

* * *

There are other random Taoist secrets I learned from the Pooh doctor which are best left to posterity such as exercises for the family jewels to improve production of your “genetic material,” how to attract a woman by using your sphincter muscles, and the compatibility of reproductive organs based on the shape of your face and thumb. (Really.) The last secret is something I would rather not recount without the benefit of hard liquor. And some sea cucumbers.

* * *

Dr. Tan-Gatue’s clinic hours are available at his website www.tan-gatue.net or visit his blog at www.qi-spot.com.

For comments, suggestions, or a second-hand sea cucumber, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. You can also subscribe to twitter.com/rjled610.