Lying in state
How’s it hanging? Or, perhaps, the more appropriate question to ask a heathen “boyfriend” after he has paid his first (and — God give him strength — hopefully not his last) visit to his “girlfriend’s” parents for the holiday season is: “Is it still hanging?”
Since the local matchmaking industry has become as obsolete as a Friendster account, many a God-fearing parent would like to make sure that their daughter meets a potential spouse who is also God-fearing individual. But in the event that finding such a spouse is a physical impossibility, they would at least like her to find someone whom they could put the fear of God into.
So during your first encounter/interrogation/blood-letting session with her parents, they will take the opportunity to find out how much you fear God. And, my once-fellow heathens, take heed: Your “girlfriend” is the fruit of the loins of her parents, and they want to make sure that there is no harvesting of the fruits without the proper government permits. So the questions they will ask you as they strap you down on their family couch can be more exacting than a joint congressional inquiry:
“Where exactly have you been ‘hanging out’ with my daughter? And what do you do when you ‘hang out’? Have you been ‘hanging out’ in the mall? In the back of your heavily tinted car? In a smelly, dimly lit movie theater? Or in a motel with Hollywood movie-themed rooms? Please let us know so we can figure out what type of firearm to use on you.”
When you were confronted with these questions, were you able to “rearrange” the truth in a manner that would make her parents nominate you for sainthood? Or did your answer in a manner that would make her parents want to “rearrange” your facial features?
In last week’s column, we talked about the health hazards of telling the truth and how to avoid becoming an involuntary organ donor by “rearranging” the truth. Thus, if you were able to survive your encounter with her parents by organizing the truth, I applaud you. You will have a long and storied career in government service. But for those of you with poor organizational skills, please let your next of kin know where they can donate your organs.
However, those who were successful with last week’s “rearrangement” of the truth have just grown more brazen. Several hundred of my theoretical readers e-mailed me asking: If rearranging the truth worked on my “girlfriend’s” parents, will rearranging the truth also work on my “girlfriend”?
Of course, lying will work on your girlfriends. Especially if your girlfriend is an inflatable doll.
Actual women, on the other hand, have highly developed sensory skills that give them the mutant ability to sense when men are lying (not to mention claws that would leave Wolverine with feelings of inadequacy).
According to the heathen necronomicon Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, the average female activates 14 to 16 key locations in both brain hemispheres when they communicate face to face with another person. These locations in the mutant brain are able to pick up and decode words, vocal fluctuations and body signals —what we usually refer to as “women’s intuition.” Among heathen boyfriends, “women’s intuition” is also known as patay kang bata ka. (“You are deader than a double-dead chicken.”)
On the other hand, the average man only has four to seven locations in our brain that activate during face-to-face communication. This means that men can be as sensitive as a block of wood when communicating face to face with a mutant female.
What this also means is that women can easily spot a man’s contradictions between his verbal and non-verbal signals when he is “rearranging” the truth to her face to face. So, for the heathen boyfriends out there planning to “rearrange” the truth with their “girlfriends,” do so responsibly. “Rearrange” the truth through text messaging, through Facebook or through a singing telegram. However, if your “girlfriend” insists that you speak face to face, then do the right thing. When you finally confront her, turn off the lights and talk to her in falsetto.
But if you find yourself in the situation where your “girlfriend” has pinned you down on the ground, her boot heel puncturing your cheek and her claws unsheathed, here are a couple of song titles that you might want to remember before she skewers you like a double-dead chicken.
• Shake, Body Body Dancer. Stiff body language is a dead giveaway that you are “rearranging” the truth. If your movements are restricted, then it is almost tantamount to letting your “girlfriend” know you have been texting the KTV girl that you met the other night. To prevent your telltale signs of non-movement, inject caffeine directly into your eyeballs or take a coffee enema (whichever is more pleasurable). This will keep your arms and legs flailing like a game show dancer on a lunchtime variety show. At that rate, she probably won’t think you’re lying. She probably won’t think you’re sane, either.
• Eye to Eye. A person who is “rearranging” the truth will either try to avoid eye contact or maintain eye contact as long as humanly possible. To avoid this double-edged death trap, veteran “rearrangers” suggest that you gaze at your “girlfriend” but do not stare at her either. But if you can’t maintain staring while looking away casually, I suggest you just gouge out your eyeballs and make her feel guilty because she asked you about the truth. That will teach her.
• Don’t Touch This. “Rearrangers” tend to get fidgety: they touch or cover their face, throat and mouth, or touch and scratch their nose or the back of their ears right after “rearranging” the truth (and I always thought our congressmen had nervous tics). But more importantly, avoid inadvertently touching your crotch (at least more than usual) after “rearranging” the truth as this can be misconstrued as revealing the body part that has caused you to “rearrange” the truth. (Really.) So even if you desperately need to make cambio (change your genital position), I say let your crotch suffer in first gear. After all, a sensation of discomfort is infinitely better than having no sensation in your crotch at all.
•Smells Like Teen Spirit. Geppetto knows his wood: When a person lies, his nose grows. This is because increased blood pressure inflates the nose and causes the nerve endings in the nose to swell and tingle, which in turn makes you want to rub your nose. However, even if the nose swelling is not visible, a man’s penis also swells during a lie (not that I have checked.) So, my three female readers, if you’re not sure whether or not a man is lying, make sure to do a body search around his groin area — but I just realized that if you start to do a body search around his groin area, you will never know if he is rearranging the truth. Still, try it anyway.
• Words. When a person is experiencing stress associated with “rearrangement,” the tension causes a tightening of the vocal cords resulting in a squeakier voice, which in turn may increase their speed and volume. Studies reveal that around 70 percent of people increase their vocal pitch when lying. Conversely, if you are thinking through about how to “rearrange” the truth while you are in the middle of delivering it, you will either deliver it with panache, deliver it more slowly, or deliver it with decreased speed and volume (i.e., I… am… sorry...). So to avoid detection, buy a Darth Vader mask with a voice synthesizer.
• More Than Words. When you are caught off-guard in an attempt to “rearrange” the truth, you will often cough, clear your throat, and pepper your speech with interjections like “um,” “uh,” “er,” “ngek” and “Bayaran ko nalang kaya” (I’ll just pay for it instead) because you haven’t had sufficient time to prepare for your “retelling of events.” Since men are idiots, it is more noticeable when we “rearrange” because we have fewer facilities in the brain for language control. If you slur your words, it is obvious that you are thinking more than two thoughts at the same time (with one of those thoughts being as genuine as a government press release) and that your brain can’t handle it. If this is the case, do the counter-intuitive thing: throw several “rearranged” truths at her simultaneously. She may be way too confused to figure out what the truth is. Besides, it’ll be too difficult for her to strangle you through your Darth Vader mask with voice synthesizer.
• So Many Questions. If your “girlfriend” confronts you with a brutally frank question, try to avoid answering with a sudden display of attitude. For example, if she asks you “Did you sleep with that woman?” try to avoid answering with hostility (“Why the hell would you ask that!? Just because you caught us in bed, it doesn’t mean we were doing anything wrong!”), indignation (“Why, you don’t think other women would want to sleep with me just because of my aerodynamic forehead, my man boobs and my 36-inch waistline!? I’m offended!”) or by turning the answer around (“Why are you asking? You’ve been fooling around yourself, haven’t you? Sige, I’ll let it go this time. But next time around, I won’t let you off that easily.”). If you use any of these answers, just make sure you are ready to live the life of a eunuch. Unfortunately, there appears to be no easy solution to this question. And admitting fault is not the correct answer, no matter how correct it is. When you are faced with a dilemma where you have to tell the truth like this, take a cue from our nation’s leaders: run again for office.
And, finally, my favorite song to hum while “rearranging” the truth: Send in the Clowns. Humor and sarcasm are time-tested solutions to avoid telling the truth, which is the reason why we have a lot of comedians in both houses of congress. For example, when asked if he had slept with a certain woman, I heard one foolhardy man answer in jest, “Ha! I not only slept with her but with several others as well. Tiger Woods is an amateur compared to me.”
I found it pretty hilarious when I read that quote in his obituary.
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