Lying with the fishes
As this overly extended tragicomedy of the administration comes to a close (but still threatens us with a B-movie comeback in Lubao, Pamganga) let us praise one of the greatest legacies that this government has taught all of us — how to rearrange the truth (or for those who belong to the politically incorrect side of the spectrum: lying).
Rearranging is not a simple intellectual exercise, mind you, despite how easy the government makes it appear. It requires an overpriced pair of rose-colored glasses (I believe they have extra pairs at the office of the press secretary), wanton consumption of hard liquor or barely legal medication (or whatever product you can consume that is easier to blame for the consequences of your actions) and, finally, a medical condition where constant re-arrangement of the truth causes loss of testicular volume until it can only be detected by an electron microscope.
Despite the loss of testicular diameter, many a heathen bachelor still dares to ask: “How can I apply this government legacy to my own morally ambiguous life?” After all, “rearranging” the truth can be a very useful during the Holiday season. Especially when the heathen meets the parents of his “girlfriend” for the first time (However, the term “girlfriend” may be a misnomer. Many a heathen will often describe the state of the relationship as “She just says that I’m her boyfriend” or “I’ve been seeing this girl but we are not really committed” or as “We’re just hanging out.” Please note though, dear heathen, that if the girl you are “hanging out” with ever catches wind that this is how you described the state of your relationships, then you will be “hanging” — “hanging on” for dear life.)
But more importantly, “rearranging” the truth is a survival skill that comes into play when the parents of your “girlfriend” want to know if there has been any “hanging out” with their daughter without the sanction of the proper religious authorities. If you are caught in this predicament, is there any possibility that you can get away with the disorganized truth? Without having to run for congress?
Normally, I would not describe at length how to “rearrange the truth” as this is a morally reprehensible thing to do (and causes shrinkage). But a stronger calling compelled me to share my insights, and this was the umpteenth phone call I got from the credit card bill collector this holiday season. And when you think about it, “rearranging the truth” isn’t so bad after all, especially if you are trying to prevent other people from getting hurt, most especially yourself.
Similarly, heathen bachelors, do you really want to let your “girlfriend’s” parents know how — because of all the “hanging around” — you almost lost two pints of blood when you found that she missed her last two periods? Spare them the anguish and spare yourself from becoming target practice! Practice your organizational skills now! Tell her folks that you have joined an office prayer group (you just passed by a prayer meeting in your officemate’s cubicle on your way out to happy hour from the office), that you have never frequented a KTV (you do not frequent; you only go there occasionally) and that you have never seen their daughter naked (you always turn off the lights).
For the heathens who require further training in the government’s favorite pastime, here are a few tips to help you to tell the truth from a parallel universe. (Note: These are not my personal insights as I cannot afford a pair of rose-colored glasses, I have sworn off all major vices, and after intense scrutiny, my testicles are of the same proportion as they were in my pre-pubescence. I have gathered this information from intensive research from politicians and polygamists nationwide. And don’t bother to check my pre-marriage records, they are at a sealed in concrete and stashed away at a time-lock vault at the NBI. Hmm, I can feel some shrinkage occurring right now)
1. Have as little contact with your “girlfriend’s” parents as much as possible. According to experienced “rearrangers” (columnist vehemently not included), it is incredibly difficult to tell if someone is “rearranging the truth” unless you have had previous exposure with their baseline behavior, which is your behavior when you are not “rearranging the truth.” The greater number of interactions you have with these people whom you intend to “rearrange the truth” for, the more familiar they will be with your baseline behavior. Thus, this is actually the perfect reason for you not to meet your “girlfriend’s” parents until after your honeymoon or after you are in a country that has no extradition treaty with the Philippines (whatever is better for your welfare): If you need to rearrange the truth for her parents for the sake of your hanging parts, you want to make sure that you remain credible. So have her tell her parents that you cannot visit their home because you have to work over the holiday season or that you have a mutated strain of AH1N1 or that you are constrained from making an appearance because of an executive order — anything that will prevent them from establishing your baseline behavior.
2. Practice. Just imagine how many times she had to practice “I’m sorry” in front of the mirror. Now, constant practice allows us to psychologically distance ourselves from our “rearranged truths” so that when we are actually in front of your “girlfriend’s” parents and “rearranging the truth,” you can focus your efforts towards maintaining a semblance of our baseline behavior. And contrary to what sticklers for the unorganized truth think, purposeful lying is a tough mental effort. Why do you think our government officials look stressed all the time?
3. Use details. Details are important because they are not easy to fabricate off the top of your head while maintaining your baseline behavior. Usually, if you have to worry about making up details, you will forget to maintain your baseline behavior and you’ll fumble like the department secretaries in a joint session of Congress. So, even though it may sound like a cliché, it is true (yes, true in the unorganized sense of the word) when they say that the devil is in the details. Thus, when your “girlfriend’s” dad asks you, “Can you please tell me something? When my daughter said that you went out of town with her and her barkada, what are the full names of all her barkada, how many days did you stay out of town, and who slept with whom in what room?” be prepared to answer, “Tito, I have notarized affidavits of three of her friends stating they were present during the out-of-town trip, along with the official receipt and room assignments of the resort we stayed in signed by the hotel manager, and pictures with her and her barkada in the various tourist spots. I would like to show you all these documents but Executive Order 464 prevents me from revealing anything further. Now excuse me for a moment, your daughter and I need to hang out.”
Now go out there and be the best heathen “boyfriend” that you can be! If you can get away with “rearranging the truth,” there just might be a job opening for you at the office of the press secretary. And even if your “girlfriend’s” parents still don’t approve of you, remember that you are only “hanging out.”
However, your “girlfriend’s” parents may still pester you about the “old-fashioned” version of the truth. In the event that this happens, my once-fellow heathen, remember this: lying does not always work.
It requires an exchange of money as well.
* * *
For comments, suggestions or an executive order, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. You can also subscribe to twitter.com/rjled610.
Help me stuff my child’s stocking this Christmas: My new book I Do or I Die! RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide To Getting Married and Other Man-made Disasters (As Told to him by his Yaya) is available at National Bookstore and Powerbooks or online at www.anvilpublishing.com. Buy several hundred copies and help me pay for my baby’s college education.
