ME SO HORNY

Bitin.

That’s what many a DOM familiar with the sensation vehemently complained after last week’s column after I failed to discuss the plethora of medically-effective aphrodisiacs available on the market. At least the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) were thankful that, along with urologist Dr. Ed Gatchalian, we dispelled the myth behind the potency of rhinoceros horn. I later discovered that a rhino horn is made out of keratin — the same material that hair consists of. That being the case, we can probably achieve the same aphrodisiac effect with shoulder-length human hair and a can of industrial-strength Aqua Net. Or so I am told. 

So for the sake of your prostates, here is the truth behind most aphrodisiacs. And — gentlemen, please note — I am merely interviewing a urologist; I am not a urologist myself. So, for the love of God, please stop sending me pictures of your prostate for analysis or else I will be forced to send you a picture of mine as punishment.

A Fly In My Ointment

PHILIPPINE STAR: Since we have sworn off rhino horns, especially because we are unsure as to what orifice they would fit into, I would like to know your take on “traditional” aphrodisiacs. Let’s start with alcohol — and I’m not talking about the rubbing kind, doc.

DR. ED GATCHALIAN, UROLOGIST: Certain alcoholic drinks in mild amounts can have an aphrodisiac effect. But if you take anything more than a glass of wine, then it becomes a depressant. If you’re in the right mood and you take wine in small amounts, then it can dilate the blood vessels, which is very good for the heart and very good for the penis.

I am very good with any substance that makes both those organs very happy at the same time. Now how about Spanish fly?

Spanish fly or cantharides has been here for centuries.

They probably came along with the first boatload of conos.

During the time of royalty, they used to take it because — from experience — many of them thought it would enhance their sexual desire. King Henry and some of the French royalty popularized the use of Spanish fly.

And look where it got the French royalty.

Spanish fly is a bug most probably found in Spain that has a luminescent, green, bitter substance. When animals take Spanish fly, it makes them go after the mate. However, the reason they go after their mate is because Spanish fly irritates the urethra, the urinary tract and the penis. So it’s more of a poison.

There must be easier ways to irritate the penis that doesn’t require performing flamenco in your urinary tract. Maybe if you speak to the penis in a derogatory manner? 

The reason that you want to have sex when you take Spanish fly is because you want to get rid of the irritation from the urinary passage. But it is not being used any more.

So what happens if human beings take Spanish fly?

If you take too much of it, you can die.

Thank God the fly I took spoke Portuguese. For the death-defying among us, just what is “too much”?

If the Spanish fly is a pill, and you take five times more than (one pill), then that is an overdose.

So remember, DOMs: four and a half is good enough for you. You are already perilously close enough to death as it is. How about Korean bugs? If I watch enough of Boys Over Flowers, will that be enough to make me horny or will that just irritate my urethra?

It is almost the same principle as the Spanish fly. The Korean bug contains a certain drug that is squeezed out of it that supposedly stimulates you.

I suppose all that squeezing might make you horny.

The drug that is squeezed out of the bug increases the sensitivity and inflammation of the urinary tract. Because your urinary tract is irritated, you want to relieve yourself by indulging in sex.

The horror. So Korean bug doesn’t really make you horny?

No, no. It just irritates you.

So it does have the same effect as Boys Over Flowers. How about chocolate, doc?

Chocolates contain alkaloids like phenethylamine that enhance the sexual desire in a person.

So there is a sinister agenda behind M&Ms after all.

But it is dark chocolate that is touted to have a lot of this phenethylamine. Dark chocolate really gets into the system and stimulates the brain and increases the desire for sex.

And I’ll take dark chocolate over Boys Over Flowers any day. How about oysters?

For oysters, it is more of their form, shape, taste and feel. As I told you in the first part of the interview, aphrodisiacs are not only in the food, but also in something that can stimulate all your five senses. When you’re feeling the soft, tender and juicy nature of the oysters, it may leave an imprint in your mind that you are tasting and feeling something that resembles a sexual organ. That is how it came about.

I can see tomorrow’s headlines: “No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) men cause oyster shortage. President declares oyster price freeze. Other similarly shaped shellfish fear for their propriety.” How did the medical world come across God’s gift to stroke survivors, aging comedians and ex-presidents worldwide — Viagra?

Viagra was supposed to dilate certain blood vessels in the heart and improve circulation. But the medicine didn’t have too much of a good effect on the heart. Despite that, the male patients in the clinical trials never returned the tablets, so the researchers were curious as to why this was so. Upon further inquiry, they discovered that Viagra caused a very good erection on this particular set of men with erectile dysfunction.

So now we know what is the real way to a man’s heart.

The Real Deal

I’m surprised that you haven’t asked about the “aphrodisiac” that really super-energizes our desire. It is what makes all of us men.   

The video collection of Maria Ozawa? Or Sasha Grey? Or our very own Charmane Star? (Note: For those of you who know of these personalities, shame on all of us.)

The surefire way of energizing sexual desire is testosterone.

Do we really need more? I’ve got sooo much testosterone oozing from my pores that my wife has started bottling it and turned it into a cottage industry. (Yeah, right. — RJ’s wife) Speaking of testosterone, I’ve heard of a “Soup Number Five,” which my wife (yes, really: my wife) says is a broth of boiled bull testes? Does this really increase your testosterone levels or are those just stories used to keep balding men up at night?

If it has enough amount of testosterone, then yes, it can increase your own levels of testosterone.

Boiled balls soup. That shakes me to the core of my sexuality.

Of course, there are tried-and-tested pills that will provide you with the necessary testosterone.

Thank God. (But one bull just winked at me.)

So if you have hypo-desire — or what we call “hypo-gonadism” — that means you lack sexual desire and have no energy, but this can be easily remedied with testosterone. It can be administered as a patch: You put on some gel then you put in on your skin…

Then you put on some mood music…

Then the testosterone can be absorbed. You can also inject the testosterone or take some oral preparations.

I shudder to think what type of testosterone treatment is oral. Doc, this begs the question: How can you tell if somebody needs help with his testosterone levels? Do you ask him to remove his underwear, make him watch some medically tested porn movies, and if the testosterone in his body isn’t enough to give him a rhino horn, then that’s when you know he needs some help?

It all depends on how the man feels: What are his symptoms? When the patient tells you “I have no energy. I feel like I’m burning both ends of the candle. At night, I feel too drained to have sex with my wife.” Or “When I watch an adult video, it doesn’t stimulate me as much as it used to.”

You mean even after they watch Maria Ozawa or Sasha Grey or Charmane Star? That must be serious.

Let’s say if you don’t take a second look at a woman who is in a bikini or in various stages of undress, then you know that something’s not right.

That’s what I tell my wife.

Because you know that the man is supposed to be aggressive. When he sees a beautiful woman, then he is supposed to run after the woman.

My wife taught me that if I see a beautiful woman, I am supposed to run away. Or else she will use whatever testosterone she has in her system to beat the sexuality right out of me.

These symptoms might be manifestations of the problem or it could also be a psychological problem. That’s what doctors like me are supposed to figure out by interviewing the patients and dissecting the symptoms.

I see. So you can’t always just look to the penis for the answers. But you can always look to it for problems. 

Down, Boy, Down

Doc, how about if you are on the other side of the sexual spectrum? What if you become too sexually desirous to the detriment of your other bodily functions? Is there a way to lessen your sexual desire save for contributing your reproductive organs to Soup Number 5? 

Well, there are supposedly certain foods that can lower your sexual desire. For example, priests are given papaya because it is supposed to decrease their sexual desire.

That’s one fruit that will never make my grocery checklist. Ever again.

But the best remedy for sexual desire is…

Forgetting to lock your door?

Instantaneous cold water. Just douse it in cold water and any form of erection is going to die. 

But aren’t erections much like zombies?

Or put it in a cold compress…

But doesn’t it already compress when it is cold?

In fact, when we do surgery on the penis and we don’t want it to have an erection, we do two things: we put it a cold compress on it or we give the patient a female hormone, estrogen.

At least he leaves the operation room with a surgically enhanced penis. And a double-D cup size.

Inflicting pain can also lessen your sexual desire. In the earlier days, boys were circumcised to inflict pain to decrease their sexual desire and thereby decrease masturbation.

Really? Well, it didn’t seem to work. Or so I am told.

(It didn’t work. — RJ’s parish priest)

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