Looking for Ms. Goodbar

Over taramosalata and saganaki at a Greek restaurant a while back, my best male friend was delineating the concept of Ms. Right.  “Listen,” he said, pointing his fork at me, “Ms. Right is the girl all men are looking for but will never find. This voodoo idea that you keep harping on, of ‘The One’ — the perfect woman for any one man — was cooked up in hocus-pocus fashion by you and your people: you women,” he added while waving the fork around in the air like a maestro’s baton.

“Why do you think we would bother to do such a thing, stupid as it is?” I asked him.

“Because that’s what you all are — foolish! Here’s what I think: you people throw this kind of talk out there so that we (men, I believe, was what he was referring to — not some sort of pre-rational animal) keep looking, and dating, and wining and dining, and spending on all of you, hoping to finally land the perfect one for us. It’s a conspiracy.” 

 Hmmm. He was clearly agitated, so I thought I would milk the issue some more and try to get his goat, if only to lead it to the slaughter. “Oh, so you’re whining about your failed investments in women who couldn’t stand your partying habits?” 

 “Ha, ha. You think you’re cute.” he countered. “I’m just saying, there’s not one Ms. Right among the billions of your people. That’s all; nothing complicated about it.”

 “Drop the temper tantrum,” I said to him. “What do you care about finding Ms. Right anyway? You wouldn’t recognize her if she stood within an inch of your nose. You’re the ‘Ms. Right Now’ type of man — the hotter, the better. The shorter the skirt, the higher the heels, the blonder the peroxide, all the better.”

 “Hey, it’s no state secret. I’m a very visual person; I need a ravishing beauty with a body that’s going to make me think very evil thoughts. But nothing has worked out there because the Ms. Right Nows become Ms. Very Wrong the next day, while the nice girls — the Ms. Not So Wrongs, who aren’t a bad sight either — just don’t do it for me.”

 “So you’re saying that dating is futile because no woman has ever come up to your superior standards and that you’re done with dating?”

 “Hell, no!” he returned shot back with vehemence. “Women are great; what I’m saying is, don’t get married. Ever. There is no such thing as Ms. Right. She doesn’t exist.”

 Still on the subject of Ms. Right, a very handsome and very married long-time friend told me, “Of course she does exist, she’s just difficult to find.”

 I am close enough to this man to have mustered the gall to ask him: “And your wife of 15 years? Is she Ms. Right?”

 “Definitely not,” he was quick to reply.

 “So, how, how the carabao?” I asked.

 “Well, it’s not as bad as it sounds. My raison d’être is my children and I’ve somehow come up with a modus vivendi, a way of coping, if you will.”

 “Which is?”

“To soldier on and see what happens.”

As I listened to him, I thought: It’s like the canned speeches one hears from bored husbands all across suburbia. Can’t men come up with more innovative explanations about their collective ennui regarding married life?

I turned back to him and said: “My best girl friend says that a man’s inability to disentangle himself from a marriage that he claims is irretrievable is a weakness of character. He can go on ranting and raving about his unhappiness but if he is unable to extricate himself from the situation he chose in the first place, then he’s too benign. Your thoughts on this?”

He smirked. He seemed to be laughing both at me and at what I just said. “Let’s just get back to the issue you brought up — this Ms. Right thing. She exists — definitely. Here’s the way to find her or him, since it works for men and women alike: find someone whose personality is as close to yours as possible. Find someone who is most like you; who likes the same things, laughs at the same jokes, likes the same food, has the same hobbies, etc. In other words someone who has the same values and, ideally, who also comes from the same social class because it’s more comfortable to bond over people’s similarities. It makes the union effortless. It’s easy to live with someone like yourself; there’s not much figuring out to do anymore. There’s no second-guessing or agonizing over what the other is thinking or planning. You know how people say that there are happy couples that finish each other’s sentences — who speak the same language? That’s because they have the same thought processes. They’re on the same mental level. It makes life easy.  You know the saying ‘Opposites attract’? That’s a load of crap. It’s too much work to live with someone you have nothing in common with.”

“And here’s more,” he added. “I forget now where I heard it from.  It could have been a radio show or some TV talk show but it claimed that in order for a man to figure out how a woman will treat her down the road, he should look at the way she treats her father.  Find out what her relationship with her father is like. If it’s combative, trust that the same thing will happen to both of you because that is her barometer of male-female relationships. That’s what she grew up with. If it is founded on mutual respect and affection, marry her because she will love you and treat you well. If she grew up without a father, then that could be the worst scenario because she will be clueless on how to deal with male figures in her life. Still at a loss? Here’s another clue: if your girlfriend didn’t grow up with a father, observe her mother. That’s how she will most likely end up because that was her only adult role model growing up. Scared now? If you have the slightest doubt that your girlfriend may just turn out to be Ms. Wrong based on these points, run!”

There just might be more wisdom in these words of his than I’m willing to give him credit for. So, to all the single gentlemen out there: take heed!

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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.