The Bro Code
My best male friend stumbled upon the book The Bro Code by Barney Stinson (the character played by Neil Patrick Harris in the popular TV sitcom How I Met Your Mother) and promptly handed it to me. Bursts of rip-roaring laughter ensued as we read page after page of Barney’s warped insights into all things male and macho.
The womanizing Barney is one of the main characters on the CBS television series. Opposed to his best friend, Ted Mosby, settling down, Barney offers Ted boundless advice on how to meet women. Over several seasons of the show, four of the main characters have remained in couples. This leaves Barney, the sole single character, in a perfect position to torpedo their monogamous ways.
Actor Neil Patrick Harris describes his Barney character as a man “who likes to create crazy situations and then sit back and watch it all go down.” Although critics have described the character as “utterly devoid of morality,” Barney lives by the “Bro Code,” his own code of rules. However, according to show creator, Craig Thomas, Barney is “a pretty fragile character who’s really afraid of being alone. He just wants people to like him, to be important to people, and to have disciples follow his word.”
A flashback during an early episode called “Game Night” reveals that Barney once was an innocent young man who wanted to join the Peace Corps with his one and only serious girlfriend, Shannon. When she left him for a suit-wearing womanizer, Barney morphed into a similar character, even going as far as to adopt some of the man’s catchphrases. And so Barney’s very own Bro Code came into being.
Now a New York Times bestseller, The Bro Code offers the classic theme of brotherhood among the few, the proud and the macho. It is part witty, part absurd, and a 101 percent laugh-out-loud hilarious with an extra big chunk of stupid. Harris (or whoever wrote the actual text) is a brilliant satirist, and this book is a handy testament to male camaraderie and douchebaggery. It has tons of great one-liners that had my friend and I nodding and howling non-stop.
Barney defines the term “Bro” in the first page of the book as “a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn’t want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he’s got something else going on.”
He goes on to qualify the answer to the question “Who is your Bro?” In answer, he says, “Your mailman is a Bro, your father was once a Bro, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn’t make him your Bro. When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the 150 codes in the Bro Code, then you may consider him your Bro. (Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick — your brother may or may not be your Bro.)
To the question, “Can only dudes be Bros?” he answers, “You don’t need to be a guy to be somebody’s Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a woman sets a guy up with her busty friend, she’s acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she’s officially his Bro.”
Here are some of the 150 articles enumerated in the Bro Code:
1. Bros before hos. The bond between two men is stronger that the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science.
2. A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.
3. A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason… not, not even for that reason.
4. Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.
5. A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.
6. A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.
7. A Bro will drop whatever he’s doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.
8. Bros do not share dessert.
9. All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.
10. If a chick inquires about another Bro’s sexual history, a Bro shall honor the “Brode of Silence” and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid that to tell the truth.
11. A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.
12. A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”
13. A Bro never rents a chick flick.
14. A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.
15. When a Bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least 96 hours before calling her.
16. Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party.”
17. A Bro never cries. Exceptions: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.
18. A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.
19. A Bro never wears pink; not even in Europe.
20. When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actually got it.
21. A Bro never spell-checks.
22. If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to “take it back” or “apologize” to make amends. That’s inhuman.
23. A Bro never asks for directions when lost.
24. A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.
25. If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave. This is what makes them Bros, not chicks.
And so on…
My friend said, after we had skimmed through the book and accumulated enough gas from laughing so much to lift an air balloon, that the Bro Code is the canon for evolution, a caveman’s treatise for unleashing the unwritten testosterone code. And it serves a noble cause: strengthening the bonds of the horny brotherhood worldwide.
We then closed the book shut and proceeded to get coffee. He ordered a cup of decaf and when told that they had just run out he said, “All right, just give me caffeinated.” I wondered what the Bro Code had to say about ordering decaf, but I also expressed concern because caffeine does funny things to my friend’s internal composition. But he told me not to worry. “I’ll just douse it with lots of milk so I neutralize the caffeine,” he said with a smirk that trumpeted how pleased he was with himself. His face then lit up as he added, “Hey, that’s another one for the Bro Code! When out of decaf, a Bro shall douse his cup of coffee with a whole lot of milk to neutralize the caffeine.”
Yes, men do think they are the smartest creatures on the planet, don’t they?
* * *
Thanks for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com. The Bro Code is published by Simon and Schuster is available at all leading bookstores.
