Having a ball

They have been hanging around there for some time, rather nondescript but unusually hairy, occasionally swinging from side to side but never really calling attention to themselves, never making tampo (sulking) and never envious of their more publicized kapitbahay (neighbor). Merely biding their time because, one day, attention will swing their way. And they know that, one day, you will all realize that size does matter. 

After all, how many men out there boast of the length of their royal scepter but not the size of their family jewels? Think about all those pataasan ng ihi (pissing contest) conversations that you have had with your barkada over scepter length. Add happy hour and P25 beers; chaos ensues.

“Pare, I have a penis that can’t be measured by a standard ruler.”

“Wala ‘yan sa penis ko pare (That’s nothing compared to my penis, man). I have a penis that makes king pythons envious.”

“Penis penis ka diyan (Penis, penis over there)! Wala yan sa penis ko! My penis can be seen via satellite. Pay-per-view pa.”

“Haaa!!! Walang sinabi yung mga penis ninyo sa testicles ko! (Your penises have nothing on my testicles) I have testicles the size of coconuts.”

The ululations of Arnel Pineda singing Open Arms fill the room. Dead silence fills the table.

“Umm, you should have them checked. Really.”

Now, let’s talk about the size of our swingers. One would think that the size of their baubles might disrupt the smoothness of their swagger. Like they say, the bigger they are, the harder to walk. But it’s about time that we take pride in our scrota, especially the ones that can be measured by latitude and longitude. We must give our balls the importance due their stature. Why, even the etymology of the word has its own distinguished origins. At first, I even thought that “Testicles” was the name of a classical Greek philosopher. 

(Cut to 400 B.C. Happy hour at the Philosophy bar.

Testicles: True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves and the world around us. 

Sophocles: Hey, Testicles! Did you know you look like my balls?

Testicles: Damn you, Sophocles! Always interrupting me during my monologues! [Stomps out in disgust.]

Sophocles: Wow, that sounded pretty deep. I think I’ll copyright that.)

But according to The Encyclopedia of Sexual Trivia (yes, a real book), the word “testicle” has roots in the Latin word for “witness.” In ancient Rome, only witnesses with both testicles firmly in place were allowed to give evidence in court. Apparently, this is the reason why many witnesses fail to appear during Senate investigations. Especially since the good female senator from the Visayas might be doing the background check on the witnesses (“Why are you showing us deeess-eh maaahhrrboooolllss!? This is an ooooohhhfense to the Senate!!”).

It is best that we start off with proper calibration. Although there is a wide variation in the size of a man’s love danglers, their average size is two inches long, an inch across and one-and-a-quarter inch in width. But please do not take out the measuring tape right now to verify if you are average. I cannot afford to have you arrested before you get to finish reading this column.

But a more arresting fact about our jingle balls is that, according to fertility specialist Dr. Robert Winston, the size of testicles can tell us a lot about a species’ sexual practices. (Sexual fortune-teller: Porcupine, I can tell from your testicles that you are into sadomasochism. Snails, I can’t seem to find your testicles, but I can tell that you are into self-love. Oh, bull, how can I put this delicately? The only thing I can see from your testicles is that they should be deep-fried.)

In the ‘70s, British biologist Roger Short noticed something peculiar about ape anatomy. He found that chimpanzees had extremely large four-ounce testicles that produced prodigious amounts of sperm (although I am trying not to imagine how he found this out). Mating among chimps is a fairly unregulated and casual affair, especially since they are not being monitored by the MTRCB. In fact, there seems to be no awareness as to the paternity of any of their offspring. 

Chimps live in polygamous groups where several males may share a female. And when a female chimp ovulates, she does a lot of monkeying around: they copulate up to 50 times a day with a dozen different males. But, according to The Anatomy of Love, the male chimps are quite tolerant of each other, even politely lining up for their turn.

(Monkey 1: After you.

Monkey 2: No, no. I insist. After you.

Monkey 1: Oh, I couldn’t possibly —

Monkey 3: Can you just ^%$*ing decide who goes first! At least you’re not at the back of the line like I am!)

Since each male’s sperm is jockeying to fertilize the ovum, the more voluminous the spermatozoa one chimp produces over another, the better the chances that that chimp will become the father. So in this battle for the ovum, what was the best way for a chimp to win in sperm warfare? He had to stockpile enough sperm in his payload to make the North Koreans shudder. So chimps evolved larger and larger payloads for their DNA juice. In short, they evolved bigger, bolder, buko-sized testicles. 

What have we learned so far about the chimpanzee’s mating habits? We have learned that somebody ought to teach these chimps some religion.

On the other hand, you have silverback gorillas. Silverback gorillas, the largest living primates, sport large canine teeth and have a fierce growl that is enough to make human testicles retract to the pit of their stomachs. However, despite their large size and aggressive behavior, silverbacks have miniscule testicles. More miniscule, even, than those of some congressmen.

Unlike chimpanzees, silverback alpha males take possession of a harem of female gorillas. And silverbacks are secure in the knowledge that female gorillas will rarely sneak off for an illicit romp in the wilds (unless they encounter a very brave and randy male chimpanzee). Gorillas rarely have intercourse, because for males with a harem, sexual access is guaranteed. Therefore, Mr. “I Am King of the Apes” only needed a small amount of sperm and, consequently, a small payload. So, gorillas evolved testicles that were small but terrible. 

Now, let us put things into perspective: gorillas weigh four times as much as chimps, but chimps’ testicles weigh four times’ as much as gorillas’. What can we infer from this other than the fact that chimpanzees must be flashing their payloads and making belat (sticking out their tongue) to any silverbacks they encounter in the wild? Well, biologist Roger Short appears to have stumbled, not on testicles, but rather on anatomical clues about a species’ mating system: the bigger the balls, the more polygamous the females.

And this type of testicular warfare is not confined to primates. If you think chimpanzee testicles are intimidating, let’s look at whale testicles. They have enormous bollocks, even allowing for their size. The cojones of a right whale weighs more than a ton and accounts for two percent of its body weight. (Wow. It’s hard enough to fathom that there are testicles out there that you can’t even coddle, much less bench press, but imagine that there are testicles that won’t even fit in the backseat of your car.)  

Meanwhile, you’ve also got sperm whales, which also live in harems like gorillas. Similar to silverbacks, sperm whales (ironically enough) have smaller testicles than right whales (although I doubt you’d be able to bench press a sperm whale’s testicles either). Last I heard, the silverbacks and the sperm whales are trying to put up their own support group. 

Human testicles tread the middle ground when it comes to primate testicles. Measured as a proportion of body weight, our human teabags are four times the size of a gorilla’s but less than a third of the size of a chimpanzees’. If this is the case, then how did we do our swinging way back when?    

According to Matt Ridley’s The Red Queen Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature, ancestral man probably lived in a pseudo-harem system, but he was also prepared for occasional female promiscuity. Ancestral females copulated with more than one male in a month fairly often. Given this, human males evolved testicles that were potent enough to combat a moderate amount of sperm competition from other males, but they certainly didn’t need to stockpile enough artillery as required by the chimpanzee gonads. This also explains why, aside from chimpanzees, human males can also expose their payloads and make belat silverback gorillas in the wild.

But the more testicle-enlarging revelation about all this is that — even if human sperm bags are not as terrifying as those of the chimps — anthropologist Helen Fisher says that there is evidence that our testicles (gasp) are not operating at full capacity. Sperm production per gram of tissue is unusually low for man. In fact, Dr. Fisher even posits that our testicles might have been bigger in our ancestors, so much so that their size may have frightened off smaller primates, velociraptors and invading alien armadas.

So, what are the two things we have learned about our male low-hanging weapons before my wife confiscates my laptop? First, the bigger the competition for a female, the bigger the balls. Secondly, our friends from down under are underachievers.

Now, my three female readers, be on guard: your male partners may misuse the information they have gleaned about the kapitbahay of their favorite playmate. Tomorrow, they may just wake up, proclaim their need to exercise their Neanderthal prerogative, stuff their underwear with socks and billiard balls and blurt out, “I’m off to compete and achieve my full potential!”

In the event that happens, you needn’t worry. I say let them compete. Let them compete in the testicle festival.

Wait, it’s not what you think.

In Clinton, Montana, the world’s largest testicle festival is celebrated every fall, attracting more than 15,000 scrotum-savoring fans to this five-day event. The festival prides itself on serving two and half tons of deep-fried bull’s testicles a.k.a. Rocky Mountain oysters (See, the sexual fortune teller was right after all). But aside from munching on bull nuts, the other highlights of the festival include the bullshit-throwing contest (literally), the hairy chest contest, and the ultimate in alpha male endeavors: the man versus bull wrestling competition.

In this contest, a man who believes he’s got larger cojones than your average toro attempts to wrestle the beast to the ground. Once the bull has been grounded and pounded, the organizers of festival do the exact same thing to the bulls’ balls: they are grounded and pounded. After which, they are fricasseed and served with hot sauce to the hungry mountain oyster lovers. And it is this competition, my three female readers, that you should let your male partners join. 

And do you know why?

Because, sometimes, the bull wins.

* * *

For comments, suggestions or a “I had a ball at the testicle festival” shirt, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com, or visit www.rjledesma.net.