‘Never say anything nasty about anyone; express nonchalance or just be blasé’ — and other tips from Chona Kasten

Calmness under pressure. That serene, age-defying aura. My mother, Chona Kasten, taught us how to avoid being uptight and stressed, or if so, how to hide it. She had countless ways of remaining poised, cool, calm, and collected.

She would say, “Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and raise your upper torso — then forget about yourself and be in touch with the people around you. This helps lessen the self-consciousness in you. When you are alone, close your eyes momentarily to say a prayer, or when in public, bring out the compact, primp, and be pretty. At home, slink back on a rocker or couch and raise your legs, curl up, and try to read.” In short, distract yourself. Easier said than done? Try it and see for yourself.  

In Bangkok, during a fashion show, according to Christian Espiritu, Inno Sotto and some models, the waiter was bringing food and drinks on a tray and headed backstage. My mother and the rest of the models were preparing their clothes and accessories in sequence when the waiter spilled a whole tray on my mom’s fashion show paraphernalia! She exhaled a rather deep sigh, and with a dinner napkin, lowered her body at an angle, in a graceful squat, and then softly reached out in an effort to pat her shoes dry — while everyone else flew into a frenzy.

“Never say anything nasty about anyone,” she would tell me, “or let your expression or the look in your eyes manifest a vengeful picture of the soul.” Consequently, the lips get thin and the body gets rigid, often adding 20 years. So many facial muscles are used to frown and add lines — fewer muscles are used to smile. Being ticked off easily and angry or cranky habitually is a negative when trying to portray ease and confidence.

“Speak in a low gentle tone, never with a shrill voice, and express nonchalance or just be blasé’, or pretend to be unaffected. Every day is a new day!” Have a massage at home or at the spa, relax and unwind with iced Perrier and a wedged lemon or calamansi.  

“Have wine with your meal,” she would advise. Avoid fatty comfort food, but perhaps once in a while treat yourself to those no-nos, but don’t ever let them get out of hand. Cheat on your diet once in a while — but why get to the point where you have to diet? It is easier to be consistent about eating healthy, so the binges will hardly affect changes for the worse. We would eat salads and soups, fewer starches, and have fresh fruit for dessert... but we would let go on weekends. Traveling was the biggest temptation factor, especially for the gourmand. Oh well, she managed very well by taking it really slow and easy.

Take yoga, Pilates, or dance lessons. Go to the gym, see a movie, or read a book. She never mentioned computers because we did not have them then. Enjoy your friends.

Dress in a manner that allows you to be ready to face anyone, the world, without any embarrassment. Even a trip to the supermarket, to the fruit stands, to Mass, or taking a brisk or long walk. Dress appropriately and get rid of the old dusters. If one is clad properly, the no-embarrassment feeling can be calming or soothing, with a sense of confidence.

Be super gentle and reasonable when imposing discipline on children. Listen to them. Let them reason and counsel gently. Be their friend. Love what you do, hone your people skills, love your friends, and yes, if circumstances permit, fall in love and be in love. Be positive. Look at one’s best side, and “wipe away the cobwebs of the soul.”