Hollywood loves to talk about how much it cares. Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres led the zing attack on its own self-righteousness, pointing out that Hollywood has experienced some rain of late … Oh, my! You’re in our prayers, Hollywood celebs!
While DeGeneres did her mannish best, we mustn’t forget that 2014 is a year fresh from the Sochi Winter Olympics. Though there were pops of spring-like color here and there, the Oscar Red Carpet was most definitely frozen in a wintry-white mood. With all that illusion tulle, some gowns teetered on the verge of becoming ice-skating outfits, but were saved not a moment too soon by the floor length. The fact that Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski were in attendance added to the ice-rink feel, but this is the Academy Awards red carpet, not the Iceberg Skating Palace, people.
Here’s what Hollywood had up its sequined sleeve:
Cate Blanchett
THERESE: Always the one to watch, Cate the Great has put her seal of approval on the nude, white and metallic trend so it’s officially a thing now, folks. This Giorgio Armani is so seamless I can’t see where Cate ends and the dress begins. While nice, it’s considerably tamer than her early Galliano/Gaultier days.
CELINE: She always puts tears in my eyes. Cate can do no wrong.
Amy Adams
T: In contrast to her eye-popping Penthouse-level cleavage in American Hustle, this covered-up Gucci couture gown is so simple it feels like a concession to a Cate Blanchett win.
C: Why do the good ones always go for the safe stuff?
Lupita Nyong’o
T: The headband’s a bit overrated, but there’s no doubt Nyong’o’s stunning and on-trend in this pleated #NairobiBlue she co-designed with Miuccia Prada. Every color just seems to pop on that beautiful skin.
C: The headband and earring combo gives her otherwise hot look a chessy feel. The devil is in overdetailing.
Jennifer Lawrence
T: J. Law is getting more notorious for her red carpet falls than her red carpet looks. Nothing wrong with this peplum-ed Dior — or a hairdo that’s considerably less tame than her tsunami tower in American Hustle — but hey, did you see her almost rip off the back of the dress of the chick in front of her when she tried to stop her fall?
C: I love how she works those curves. She can do no wrong.
Sally Hawkins
T: Swathed in nude and gold brocade, only someone this skinny could carry off that much embellishment, but this Valentino is a valiant effort for Hawkins’ first walk down the Oscar red carpet.
C: In Blue Jasmine she learned that you can overdo fragrance; on the red carpet she learned how to overdo couture.
Olivia Wilde
T: Loved Wilde in Her, even if she was obviously miscast as a nightmare setup date who’d scare Joaquin Phoenix away. Pregnant and ready to pop, I’m relieved her sleek Valentino isn’t calling for attention to the accessory of the moment: the baby bump.
C: Well done, mama. That’s how you bake the bun on the red carpet.
Angelina Jolie
T: Fresh from her BAFTA menswear look, Angelina does the opposite this time, reminding us why she’s the MILF Brad left Janiston for. A couple years ago it was her leg that grabbed the headlines; this year it’ll be those righteous (newly reconstructed) boobs.
C: We always forget that Angelina is only 38 years old. This is kind of Helen Mirren glam. I guess she’s really doing everything to make us forget about her red carpet antics of yore.
Charlize Theron
T: It’s like this dress couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be strapless or not and stopped halfway up her shoulders, but as the saying goes, this glamazon could wear a potato sack and make it look good. (Don’t get any ideas, Charlize.)
C: Theoretically, it’s a great dress; realistically it’s boring.
Liza Minnelli
T: More of a ladies-who-lunch outfit than a red-carpet number, but I appreciate her effort to connect with the younger generation via the blue streak in her hair. (Oh, wait… That’s her real hair….?)
C: She just woke up from her self-induced Klonopin coma.
Sandra Bullock
T: A sweetheart neckline for America’s sweetheart. While the face and body are faultless, the neck is a mite disturbing. Your stylist may have smoothed out the wrinkles on your dress, don’t forget to smooth the folds on your neck, Sandy!
C: Yawn.
Bette Midler
T: Bette gets this year’s Helen Mirren Award for age-appropriate dressing in this flattering Reem Acra.
C: Suddenly, she’s baaaack!
Pharrell Williams
T: After that news-making Grammy hat, Pharrell does it again in this abbreviated Lanvin suit. Want to wear shorts to the Oscars? It’s okay to do now, son.
C: Props for being a tool at the Oscars. I don’t know whether this is brave or plain insecure.
Jared Leto
T: Leto was amazing in Dallas Buyers Club, where he was prettier as a man in drag than Chloe Sevigny has ever been as herself. Sporting three-day bed hair, a red bowtie and a white suit, Jared rocks and always will.
C: One of the best male outfits I have seen in a looooooong time.
Julia Roberts
T: Julia’s getting more relaxed — so relaxed you might even call it messy, with bits of lace hanging off her Givenchy, and that hipster bun. Not “hot messy,†but “hipster messy.â€
C: First of all, check out those guns! Looking better than ever, she gets a place in my top 10.
Anne Hathaway
T: Disco ball meets chain mail. One could argue that Hathaway needs that kind of armor to protect herself from the catty comments that inevitably come her way this time of year.
C: This dress will make her the new Cher. Bad dress for the good girl.
Anna Kendrick
T: There’s too much going on in this J. Mendel. Strappy in the back, busy in the front … my opinion on this dress is up in the air. Not exactly pitch-perfect.
C: Worst Oscar dress, 2014. RIP.
Julie Delpy
T: The top of this Jenny Packham needs some work, as in some major pulling and tightening. This is making her boobs look sad, and as we saw in Before Midnight, Julie Delpy’s boobs are far from sad!
C: Good idea, bad fit. She didn’t use a stylist for sure! So French!
Meryl Streep
T: This black-and-white number is my favorite look of hers, EVER. In the past she’s tended to look kind of mumsy, but this is just simple, elegant perfection.
C: Even though she lost to Cate Blanchett, she comes out looking like a winner.
Naomi Watts
T: Is this frosty white Calvin Klein covered in faux snowflakes her tribute to the Polar Vortex? Very cool, Naomi.
C: Sometimes the simplest of things can have the most complex reactions. Love the dress, hair and makeup, but what are we trying to say with those black strappy heels? Things to ponder on.
Portia de Rossi
T: Dressing as the wife of the host must be tough, but De Rossi plays it bridal and domestic in this white doily number.
C: Still anorexic! Dress is fabulous but honey, have a cupcake.
Kristin Chenoweth
T: This is far from Wicked. There’s a long Oscar tradition of dressing like the little gold statue and Chenoweth is on top of that trend, but the bodice of her Roberto Cavalli is reminding me of an art deco theater balcony.
C: She looks like an Oscar statue sex doll.