Oscars: The Les Misérables edition

Seth MacFarlane is an awesome host!” — my dog. (He’s half blind and likes to dig through trash for snacks, so I wouldn’t trust his Rotten Tomatoes review.) 

This year’s Oscar weren’t so terrible — unless you have a vagina. Or a sense of humor.

One critic noted that MacFarlane had her longing for the subtle racism and homophobia of the Franco-Hathaway era Oscars. (Remember that train wreck?)

After the wondrous performance of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the Golden Globes, it’s a bummer to sit through hours of MacFarlane’s smug, obvious jokes. (Kardashians, gay quips, making fun of Salma Hayek’s accent, Jew jokes, plus your general misogyny — real original, dude.) It’s 2013, academy. This crap still counts as comedy?

Maybe we’re just cranky, having to crawl out of bed at 6 a.m. to watch the red carpet coverage, only to be inundated with inanity after inanity.

Some gems from On The Red Carpet:

Waiting for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Brandi Glanville’s left breast to make its TV debut each time they cut to her.

“The glitz, the glamour, the glowns! Wait ... the glowns?”

Listening to Channing Tatum discuss his “acting method.” (What was he even doing there?)

Wondering when Kristen Chenoweth would stop comparing her height to, uh, everything.

Academy, let this be a lesson to you: Just let Tina and Amy host everything: the red carpet, the actual show, the after-party coverage and the E! True Hollywood Story that’s bound to follow.

Anne Hathaway

CELINE: A little too Gwyneth    Academy Awards   for me. 

BEA: “My mom calls it business in front, party in the back,” says Hathaway. That’s a mullet, honey.

This is just side-boob and back straps.

     Jessica Chastain

C: My total girl crush.

B: The total package: She’s Marilyn and Meryl combined.

Jennifer Lawrence

C: She led the strapless brigade well.

B: That dress looks like it came from the curtain store, but okay. Love her anyway.

Charlize Theron

C: She knows how to do safe well. That’s a compliment, by the way.

B: Nothing gets in the way of Theron’s beauty — not a peplum and not even that Brigitte Nielsen hair.

Amy Adams

C: She now represents the Tulle Good For You Gown team once helmed by Penelope Cruz and Renee Zellweger.

B: In a previous life, this dress was my bathroom mat.

Naomi Watts

C: One of my favorite dresses. Which probably means she will end up in the “Worst Dress” category in US Weekly.

B: Finally, someone dressed like a star.

Nicole Kidman

C: This will be her second most memorable dress after that emerald John Galliano.

B: You know you’re a star when you wear the floor-length sequins — they don’t wear you.

Halle Berry

C: This makes her superhuman.

B: She’s more Bond than girl here. Kudos to her for taking chances.

Jennifer Aniston

C: She’s like one of those moms who buys every color of something at outlet stores. She has this dress in every color.

B: It takes a village to raise a child — and to make this dress.

Kristen Stewart

C: Awkward and boring. I love how she can express herself in her clothes.

B: I blame Seth MacFarlane for everything. Even Stewart’s tortured expression.

Amanda Seyfried

C: Although she seems to be a real bitch in real life, at least she’s a bitch with taste.

B: The top of this McQueen dress is a bit too Disney on Ice: Les Miz ediz.

Catherine Zeta-Jones

C: Still holding court.

B: Giving new meaning to the term Trophy Wife.

Jennifer Garner

C: Safe and sweet like her.

B: I don’t hate it. #Improvement

Reese Witherspoon

C: Cool dress, bad fit.

B: Like any of her rom-coms, it’s charming but forgettable.

Sandra Bullock

C: Um...

B: Ditto.

Olivia Munn

C: Why is she there?

B: Marchesa masquerading as McQueen.

Salma Hayek

C: The high neckline is not doing anything for her. 

B: You know you married well when your neck brace is made of gold.

Helena Bonham-Carter

C: Her choices are always as entertaining as her characters.

B: She’s never met a crazy dress she didn’t like. #That’sWhyWeLoveHer

Zoe Saldana

C: Only she can out-hot Bradley Cooper.

B: There are more things going on here than in her last movie.

Kerry Washington

C: I love, love, love!

B: Beautiful woman, gorgeous dress. Kerry sure knows how to pick ’em.

Sally Field

C: Respect.

B: Sexy mother of the bride.

Jane Fonda

C: 70-what?

B: Hotter than Jack Nicholson at a sauna.

Jacki Weaver

C: Hawt.

B: Loved her in Silver Linings Playbook. Love her here, even if her gown looks like it’s missing something — like a top.