Demystifying the cougar

Call me clueless, but I did not know that a cougar was something other than a four-legged animal until a few months ago when I saw the teaser for the TV show Cougar Town. I thought the Demi-Ashton thing was just a “May-December affair” in reverse!

When I asked my 14-year-old daughter Riana if she knew what a cougar was, she rolled her eyes in disbelief and asked “Mama, what planet do you live in”?

So off she searched the Internet to introduce me to Urban Dictionary. (Yes, Merriam Webster! Move over, there’s a new dictionary in town and it’s online!)  Apparently, this online dictionary is where you find meanings to the vocabulary of the Now Generation.

What Is A Cougar?

Urban Dictionary says a cougar does not fit one particular mold. The only common denominator among cougars is their involvement with a younger man, in most instances at least 10 years younger than them.

A cougar is described as:

*A 35 -year-old and above female who is “into” much younger, energetic, willing-to-do anything male.

*A fit, active, confident, independent woman who is attracted to younger men because men her age are opinionated and often only talk about insurance premiums or lazy slugs with beer guts hopelessly attached to their TV remote.

 *A hot, attractive and sexy older woman in her sexual prime, usually in her 40s-50s, single or married who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it.

*A real head-turner, True Hottie who doesn’t have to sneak up and attack because she has her act together.

*A classy, beautiful, smart and successful woman who usually owns expensive cars and homes; she embraces her true self, lives her life to the fullest.

   *A woman, who looks younger than her age, acts younger than her age and has a confidence that she didn’t have when she was much younger.

*A woman who has overcome society’s prescribed behavior regarding sexuality.

Looking at these descriptions, it would be difficult to put the cougar in a box that says, “One size fits all.” To do this would be a disservice to them and to the readers. Years ago, I heard stories about matrons who dated their often younger D.I. (Dance Instructors), in some cases bequeathing money to them upon their death. These matrons were rather predictable with their coiffed hair, heavy make-up and preference for ballroom dancing.

But the cougar, on the other hand, defies conventional wisdom. For the purpose of this article, let’s cover the basics and see what two Pinay cougars have to share.

How It All Started

The use of the word “cougar” began in 2001 with the publication of the book titled Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men written by Valerie Gibson, an English woman living in Canada who writes a column on relationships for The Toronto Sun.

At 62,  Gibson is a self-acknowledged pioneer cougar who claims “a woman should not have to give up her sexuality, vibrancy or ability to have fun just because she has reached a certain age.” She admits that there is still a stigma attached to being a cougar but Hollywood made it acceptable, even hip, when Demi Moore, then 42, married her beau Ashton Kutcher, a hunk of a 27-year-old man in 2005. She is considered the penultimate cougar.

Many high-profile celebrities will not publicly admit to being cougars but their relationships say it all. Madonna (51) is with Jesus Lopez (22), a Brazilian model. Halle Berry (43) has a baby girl with Gabriel Aubry (33). Kim Catrall (53) of Sex and the City is going out with Alan Wyse (28), a Canadian chef.

Mariah Carrey recently married Nick Cannon, 11 years younger than she. Then there’s Goldie Hawn who is 15 years older than Kurt Russell, Barbara Hershey (61) who is dating Naveen Andrews (40) of the TV show Lost and Paula Abdul whose boyfriend J.T. Torregiani is 12 years younger.

Candace Bushnell (50), the author of Sex and The City, does not appreciate being called a cougar and asks: “How come every time women manage to break out of traditional roles, someone comes along and tries to ruin it with a derogatory label”? She is happily married to Charles Askegaard (40), a ballet dancer of the NYC Ballet. 

While all these women embrace and relish their choice to be with younger men, Catherine Zeta-Jones does not find younger men attractive. Married to Michael Douglas who is 25 years older, she says that “young men are more unbiased, playful and firmer, there’s no question about that. But they are also more selfish and narcissistic. This is why they never had a chance to go out with me. I need a man who is sensitive and caring, someone who is superior to me and I can lean on.”

I don’t know why Ms. Gibson chose cougar as opposed to say, the “Millennium Woman” or the “Now Woman” or something less controversial but the truth of the matter is cougars are out there. Some wear the label with pride while others choose to be low-profile, even anonymous. 

The Filipina Cougar

Since I didn’t know one personally, I asked some of my friends to introduce me to several that they knew. Some declined an interview outright, some refused a face-to-face interview but agreed to answer the questionnaire. One got cold feet while answering the questions and dropped out. One agreed to answer via e-mail under an alias. Another just admitted to being a cougar during a casual conversation at the gym locker; she obliged me with her answers and several photos for the article.

“J. Lo” (her alias) is a 50-year-old woman who manages her own business; she is a widow who was unhappily married for seven years with three children aged 30, 28 and 26.

Tina (her real name) is an ex-New York banker-turned-entrepreneur who “thinks like a 40-year-old, looks like a 30-year-old, feels like a 20-year-old but acts like a 10-year-old sometimes.” Tina refers to herself as a “mature kitten” since she believes that the term cougar carries a negative connotation. She is single but wouldn’t mind getting married to a strong sensitive guy and imagines their partnership to be that of equals.

I asked the two of them the same questions and here are their responses:

When did you start dating younger men? Do your kids know you are dating younger men?

J. Lo: I started dating younger men in 1999 and yes, my kids approve of my relationship with a younger man because they believe that I deserve to be happy.

Tina: I remember that young boys were already attracted to me even when I was just 15! “The younger boys/men seem to find me whether I lived in Los Angeles, New York or Manila.”

How many younger men have you dated?

J. Lo: As far as I can recall, I have dated about eight younger men.

Tina: I’ve dated many but one relationship was serious enough with a Dutch university intern I met at Serena Bar in NYC sometime in 1999.

What is the age gap between you and the younger men you have dated?

J. Lo: I have dated a man 16 years my junior but I have also dated a man just two years younger.

Tina: I have dated a guy 15 years younger than me.

How do you choose the younger men you date? Do you have a criteria?

J. Lo: I do not go for a particular type or someone who fits a profile. I don’t choose them, they just happen to come along! Fortunately for me, they come with looks, intelligence and success, the whole package.

Tina: Exasperated, I seem to unintentionally intimidate the Filipino guy with my bon vivant attitude, strong opinions and non-conformist ways. So by default it seems, I have been dating foreigners who can match my wit, keep up with my energy and still be able to “dish it back to me” when necessary.

Have you tried dating men your age? Why do you date younger men? Do you ever give them money or pay for the date?

J. Lo: I have tried dating older men or guys my age but I just enjoy the company of younger men more. I believe that being around younger men keeps me from growing old, kind of like a reverse osmosis. I dislike the double standard whereby men can date younger women; unlike them, I do not have to spend a single cent since my young man initiates and pays for our dates! I refuse to give money to my man, never, it is a mortal sin.

Tina: I am quite liberal but I am a romantic at heart as well. “All is fair in love” is what I believe in. Being with a younger man who is confident and secure makes me feel that I can conquer a world that has no boundaries, where a woman can achieve anything and be in a relationship with a man, regardless of age. But I am also a pragmatic and believe in equal opportunity so I offer to pay for a date even if in most cases the man does.

Is the sex better with younger men?

J. Lo: Definitely! “Waaaaaaaay, much, much better! It is more fun and exciting to be around a younger man!

Tina: I believe that sex is one area where age doesn’t matter because it is about self-esteem, the ability to enjoy one’s sexuality and generosity of spirit.

Do you date several men at a time? Who initiates the dates? Do you date openly?

J. Lo: Yes, I do date several men at a time if I am not in a serious relationship. The younger man usually initiates the dates and I am not uncomfortable to date openly. We go out alone and sometimes with other friends on a group date. I enjoy doing the same things other couples do like go out for a drink, enjoy dinner together or travel out of town.

Tina: I am a serial monogamist who will date one man at a time especially if it’s serious. Yes, we date in public, alone and sometimes with friends who do not judge or mind my relationship with a younger man.

Have you been in a long-term relationship with a younger man?

J. Lo: Yes, I have been in a serious, long-term relationship with a younger man; it lasted for several years.

Tina: I have been in a long-term relationship with a younger man but I move on and cut my losses when I don’t see the relationship maturing. I don’t want to waste my time or his time just to hang out, have company.

Are you happier with your life now? Would you consider marrying a younger man or do you see yourself marrying an older man? Are you in a relationship at the moment?

J. Lo: Yes, I am very much happier. I guess I would only stop dating a younger man if I found an older man who will pamper me and give me heaven and earth! I may think about marrying an older man if he gives me everything I want but for now I am single and just enjoying my life.

Tina: I will only stop dating when I finally walk down the aisle. I firmly believe that it is my destiny to get married to a younger guy! I’m convinced it has something to do with my innate belief in Darwinism.

* * *

These two women definitely know what they want and are truly comfortable in their own skin. They are both very candid, funny and certainly no-nonsense women. They don’t pretend to be anything they are not and they don’t feel the need to make excuses or justify the choices they make. They clearly love the life they are living! “I am what I am.” “To each her own” and “Live and let live,” seem to be the resounding themes in their lives.