Red carpet vets flunk, newbies dazzle

"Oscars are on,” David Spade tweeted. “I just blow-dry my hair and sit in my living room.

“In case someone doesn’t show and they want me to run down and cover.” Oh, if only.

The 82nd Academy Awards only had one boon: Alec Baldwin. Aside from perhaps one of the most glamorous men in Hollywood, the event was low on wattage. The John Hughes tribute was heartwarming, the many awkward award presentations were not. Even Tina Fey looked lost.

The lackluster list of major awards seemed uninspiring but hey, it’s still the Oscars. So here’s what made us spit our popcorn and what made us toast our hot cocoa.

Cameron Diaz

CELINE: Homegirl is showing her age in the Bob Mackie-ish creation. Surrender at last waving the sequined flag.

BEA: While she looks amazing, this look feels all wrong for her. Diaz is the fun-loving, not-your-typical-dress kind of girl, not mother-of-the-bride couture. Rachel Zoe, what hast thou wrought?!

Carey Mulligan

C: Slowly becoming a great original fashion ingénue.

B: Girlfriend turned down Anna Wintour’s advice for red carpet wear (the editrix told her to go short), so she’s ferosha in my book and, to use that much-derided Internet term, totally adorbs in this outfit.

Sandra Bullock

C: A dazzling nightmare. Lace never looked so scary.

B: She struck gold — off the best-dressed list.

Jennifer Lopez

C: This year’s diaper couture awardee.

B: Bridalwear from the block!

Tina Fey

C: Finally! Our girl learned a thing or two from Vogue! Vogue covers make it all better. The retro prom dress may have been an odd choice, but it makes for a refreshing choice for this TV genius.

B: It’s hard to keep a straight face around Fey. Unfortunately, that’s not a good thing on the red carpet.

Penelope Cruz

C: She looks like a crushed rose. 

B: You put P. Diddy to shame. That dress is puffier — and way more unattractive — than the Michelin man. You’re better than this, Penelope.

Charlize Theron

C: Rose boobies … I’m confused.

B: As pasties go, those floral things over her boobs are way classier than the stripper variety.

Kristen Stewart

C: Like communism, this dress is better in concept than in reality. I’m sure the sketch didn’t mean for this ill-fitting dress to see the red carpet.

B: Measuring tape, meet Stewart. Stewart, measuring tape. Next time opt for a dress that isn’t as ill-fitting as your role in that Joan Jett movie.

Meryl Streep

C: Nothing complicated about this.

B: Lady, you could wear a burning sackcloth over your head and I’d still love you. But you look especially hot in white, Mer. (Yeah, we’re friends. In my head.)

Sarah Jessica Parker

C: An energizing choice.

B: Three words: Yes, Chanel couture.

Kate Winslet

C: Zzzzzzz. The curse of the A-lister’s dress.

B: I think I liked her outfit more when Robin Williams wore it in that robot movie, Bicentennial Man.

Gabourey Sidibe

C: An exuberant effort but too much glitz.

B: Plenty of designers were eager to dress the Precious star for the Oscars, proving that some people aren’t afraid to design for a curvy woman (Marchesa won the bid with this blue, ruched frock). I can’t help but applaud Sidibe for her fearless performance, her sassy personality (I’ve seen plenty during late-night interview talk shows), and her natural confidence.

Demi Moore

C: The dress is humdrum but she is not.

B: Nude hue: check. Ruffles: check. Boring flower: check. Weird bandages around the bust: check. Original sense of style: No check.

Vera Farmiga

C: What’s up with these rose-inspired disasters?

B: Dust-ruffle alert!

Anna Kendrick

C: Definitely a rookie.

B:  I liked this outfit better when it was called by its original name: your grandmother’s bed sheet.

Zoe Saldana

C: I think it might look good on CGI.

B: She’s got a bad case of the blues — and purples.

Miley Cyrus

C: I hate her, but I love the dress. Wow, she’s been good with the asparagus diet!

B: Talk about The Climb. From Disney to Oscars. Next you’re telling me she wants to be Madonna and start bustin’ out in a bustier — oh...

Nicole Richie

C: A solid Hollywood dress, now, if only she could act. What is she doing there, anyway?

B: Did girlfriend get lost on her way to In ‘N’ Out Burger? But as gowns go, to quote her BFF Paris, “That’s hot.”

Sigourney Weaver

C: Lady in red is putting me to sleep. Nightmares included.

B: If you liked it, you shoulda put a bow on it.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

C: An original and unpretentious choice. If only it weren’t so creased!

B: Monet talks. The painterly pattern is a refreshing change from the sea of glitter.

Diane Kruger

C: A hot mess.

B: Totally inglorious.

Rachel McAdams

C: This doesn’t bloom.

B: The red-carpet equivalent of Ambien.

Molly Ringwald

C: Not so pretty in purple, especially with strange Alexander Calder-like accents.

B: Not as appetizing as The Breakfast Club.