Of mice, men and radiation-proof wine

It doesn’t happen very often, but I love it when science throws me a bone.Like the recent report from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine which suggests that red wine can help protect us from radiation exposure.

This is long-awaited news for all of us, I’m sure. I don’t know how many of you have found yourselves sipping a bold little Shiraz and wondering absently, “Gee, I wonder if this beverage could shield me from any passing rads?” But this is apparently what compelled researchers at the Pittsburgh labs to find out if an antioxidant contained in red wine, resveratrol, could do just that.

As always, they selected man’s closest genetic match — a bunch of idle rodents — to test their intriguing theories. Lab mice were fed acetyl-altered resveratrol along with their favorite brie (followed by generous sips of a light Californian Cabernet Sauvignon); the ones that could still crawl around on all fours without bumping into the walls of the glass container were then bombarded with radiation, though the report doesn’t specify whether this was done with an industrial-strength sunlamp, a microwave oven operating in their midst, or a small nuclear device.

Amazingly, scientists found that the rodents’ cells were protected from radiation-related damage. Plus, they reportedly sported awesome tans and built up their alcohol tolerance at the same time. This is very useful information for, say, teens heading off to Ft. Lauderdale for Spring Break. However, the results have not yet been verified on beer ingestion.

Researchers behind this important study say the medical school has been focusing on this matter since 2004, when it uncovered a way to directly inject radio-protective chemicals into the mitochondria of cells. The center’s goal is to develop small molecules that will protect people against radiation in the event of a large-scale nuclear emergency. That, and they just enjoy injecting things into mitochondria.

According to Dr. Joel Greenberger of the university’s Department of Radiation Oncology, “New, small molecules with radio-protective capacity will be required for treatment in case of radiation spills or even as countermeasures against radiological terrorism.”

So, yes, not only is wine consumption fun and good for you, it also helps fight the war on terrorism.

Resveratrol, it turns out, is naturally found in many plants and in red wine. Does this mean people should drink more red wine? Does it mean men and husbands in general have a perfectly good excuse for upping their wine intake? Yes, and yes.

Thanks to science, wine has gained wide respectability as a healthy beverage of choice. First, we learned that consuming wine raises our HDL, the “good cholesterol” that helps unclog the arteries. Then we heard it contains antioxidants that can slow down the aging process by fighting free radicals. Another study suggests consuming wine increases bone density and strength in women by raising their estrogen levels. Then there’s the British report saying that wine wards off infections of salmonella and other dangerous bacteria when taken with contaminated food. And one study even claims wine boosts memory by preventing blood clotting and blood vessel inflammation which can cause cognitive decline.

Of course, doctors like to throw in that annoying proviso — “moderation” — whenever talking about consumption of anything, including wine. One to two glasses daily is enough, guys. But one person’s goblet-sized “glass” will naturally differ greatly from another’s — say, the one inch of red stuff doled out by your average restaurant sommelier.

Along the same lines, scientists in Italy have also reported that dark chocolate is actually “good” for the heart. We’re not suggesting toting around three-pound Hershey bars for your health, but a “small lump” of dark choco taken daily can protect the heart from inflammation and reduce the chance of heart disease. Cocoa is also rich in flavonoids, which are not those things you sprinkle on your salad along with bacon bits, but instead are metabolites that promote healthy cell tissue growth, and contain plenty of antioxidants. And most intriguingly, dark chocolate contains up to 400 natural compounds, including endorphins and serotonin, which can enhance moods and make us generally happier.

Does it get any better than this? Why, yes, it does. Because coffee, too, is reportedly good for warding off dozens of other bodily evils, including diabetes, gallstones, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease, diabetes and, of course, constipation.

With all this good press coming from the scientific community, it may not be long before we reach the future envisioned by Woody Allen in his 1973 film Sleeper, in which Greenwich Village health food store owner Miles Monroe accidentally gets cryogenically sealed, only to awaken 100 years later in a fascist-controlled future. In one great scene, doctors, trying to pacify Monroe after he realizes he’s Rip Van Winkle, offer him various palliatives: “Here, puff on this,” one doctor says, handing him a lit cigar, “it will calm you down.” The doctors ask what people ate back in 1973, and are astonished to learn that Monroe sold the public stuff like “wheat germ, organic honey and tiger’s milk.”

“You mean there was no deep fat?” asks one doctor in amazement. “No steak or cream pies? Or... hot fudge? Incredible!”

“Those things were thought to be unhealthy — precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true,” concurs another doctor.

Ah, yes. Science to the rescue at last. If we men can’t turn to science to rationalize our bad habits, then what good is the National Geographic Channel?

So go ahead and exercise if you must. Run your marathons, go to your gyms to ward off inevitable decline. Wear your crystals, do yoga, meditate to far-off holy men in Tibet. It’s all good. I’ll just stick with my coffee, chocolate and wine. After all, I’ve got infallible science on my side.