After last year’s snoozefest Emmys, we were hoping for something exciting, something awesome, something marvelously tacky to take our breath away. Well, few stepped it up sartorially except for Alyssa Milano, who appeared to be channeling the Little Mermaid at a wedding. Check out the good, the bad and the should’ve-stayed-home.
Rose Byrne
CELINE: I would have actually liked the dress if it fit. The beautiful dress looks like a sack on her. Sister needs a cheeseburger or off to the kid’s section she goes. Otherwise, her efforts to create a clean and unpretentious red carpet look have not gone unnoticed.
BEA: Ever since her astonishingly layered performance on the F/X show Damages, Byrne’s been on my radar. The winsome beauty stole the show in a blush-hued, understated gown. Props to Byrne for knowing how to work an effortlessly glamorous look down the red carpet.
Hayden Panettiere
C: Hayden is officially the new lost Hogan sister. I bet she’s the type to call things she finds classy “swanky.” Thus the swanky dress.
B: After her overly fluffy gown at the Oscars, the Heroes lead went in the opposite direction and opted for something black and sleek. While I admire her efforts, the unforgiving dress looks like something straight out of Elvira’s closet. Better luck next time, sister.
Heidi Klum
C: Heidi Klum as J.Lo. Auf wiedersen to this one.
B: Take two parts shimmery fabric, a pair of overused shears and what have you got? A recipe for disaster. Or at least what looks like a Project Runway reject. This dress just doesn’t cut it.
Nicolette Sheridan
C: I have to say that I was expecting an insecure ball gown from this one. She seems to have restrained herself and had her stylist voodoo her into slipping into this elegant eggplant-hued number. Less is more, less is more indeed!
B: Despite her recent breakup from a balding crooner who shall not be named (okay, Michael Bolton! You made me say it!), the woman has never looked better. Who knew getting rid of a has-been boyfriend does wonders for your skin? Paging Megan Fox.
Brooke Shields
C: You can take the girl out of the ’80s but you never take the ’80s out of the girl. Here is Brooke Shields celebrating the decade that made her! The color is catching and fresh, but again, the over-detailing of the dress screams, “I’m still depressed!”
B: Before she dressed up for the Emmys, Shields took a look in the mirror and asked: “WWBW? (What Would Barbie Wear?)” And this hot pink, ruffled extravaganza is exactly what Barbie would wear — to the Gay Pride parade. There is way too much going on here. Listen, girl, we know you’re happy about Lipstick Jungle being picked up for a second season, but that’s no excuse for this made-by-Mattel dress.
Jenna Fischer
C: Four shades of bad.
B: There’s a formula in Hollywood. Style is often commensurate to success. Look at Nicole Richie. Two seasons into her reality show with BFF Paris and she acquired an entirely new look, wardrobe, hairdo and stylist. No doubt The Office’s stratospheric rise from Brit import to pop culture staple should figure in Fischer’s style, yet the TV star has failed practically every red carpet showing.
She looks like she’s attending prom with an under-the-sea theme.
Mary Louise Parker
C: MLP is hot. However, I think she’s embracing suburbia too much in this uninspired turquoise number. Plus, she looks stoned. Talk about serious Method acting.
B: Ever since the Parker decided to go topless (spoiler alert!) in the latest episodes of Weeds, the woman has fully embraced her MILF status. This turquoise, rhinestone-strapped number and that tousled mane just sealed the deal.
Kathy Griffin
C: Life on the D-list must make Kathy not want to ever go hungry again. Thus we have the Tara curtain couture look. I admire her chops for adding the odd chiffon waist halo for added pizzazz!
B: Just when you thought her oft-publicized “Suck it, Jesus!” cry of victory at last year’s Emmys — when she scored her own statuette for her reality show Life on the D-List — was the height of scandal, Kathy Griffin tops it with this brass-colored gown made from what appears to be upholstery. Honey, we know you won an Emmy. There’s no need to dress like the statuette. Save the imitations for standup.
Lisa Edelstein
C: I can’t seem to agree on anything I’m seeing here. Maybe I’m really hungry. This dress is fun and, again, over-detailed. That belt screams ’90s Bebe at the Pasadena Mall. I’m waiting for the Oscars for the big guns … TV folk still don’t know their stuff!
B: The House star looks fabulous, if a little underdressed for the red carpet. This full-skirted, ’50s-inspired frock looks too daytime next to the full-length gowns on parade. Step it up, honey, and show ’em what you’re worth.
Perrey Reeves
C: Maybe I’m just hungry, but why isn’t there something making me happy about this dress? It fits Perrey’s Pilates-perfected body, but again here goes the old American affliction of over-detailing for the red carpet. The dress could have done well without the top straps and stood well on its own as a strapless dress.
B: Perrey Reeves may play the high-strung housewife to Entourage’s Ari Gold, but dressed in this sweet boho number, she looks glowing and happy — nothing like the high-maintenance shrew she plays so well on the hit HBO show. Which proves that the woman has range.
Lauren Conrad
C: The dress is the couture version of sort-of-BFF Audrina: sour, wrinkled and wants to run away from LC as fast as possible. Am I imagining things? The dress does want to slip off LC! It’s frowning! Girlfriend better get a life coach fast — even simple and boring clothes find her overbearing!
B: The Hills are alive with the sound of product placement. The reality TV star is moving on up. From her overpriced, under-designed clothing label to the ratings juggernaut that is her MTV show, LC is now rubbing elbows with Tinseltown’s finest: she’s part of the presenting cast for the Emmys. And, rumor has it, the lovely girls standing in the wings ready to present the winner with an Emmy are to be garbed in LC’s clothing. Not bad for a girl from Laguna Beach.
Now, if only her sartorial choices weren’t as boring as her life choices (she famously earned a rebuke from Teen Vogue editor Lisa Love, who told her, “You’ll always be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris,” when she chose to stay in LA with her then ex-con boyfriend instead of hieing off to France for an internship). She’d be A-list by now.
America Ferrera
C: Her face is flawless! The dress is looking for a trashcan.
B: Ferrera looks nothing like her frumpy alter ego. Her makeup, hair, accessories are flawless. The girl is gorgeous. The dress? Not so much. Who knew the Michelin man did evening wear?
Marcia Cross
C: Yo! It’s a little late to go to the prom, girlfriend. This whimsical number just doesn’t go with Cross’s icy good looks.
B: The Desperate Housewife is clearly a believer in Method acting. This dress is precisely what Bree Hodge would wear to some red carpet shindig. Methinks someone’s internalizing their character too much.
Debra Messing
C: For all its schizo detailing, I actually like it. Although someone could have nipped off that train in the back. But it’s not bad at all!
B: Messing is back to form after a few red carpet mishaps. And by back to form, we mean classic, pretty, strapless and kind of boring. Yawn. Wake us up when you try something new, Messing. For now, we’ll try to forget all about that god-awful Starter Wife and stick to reruns of Will & Grace.
Felicity Huffman
C: Very Transamerica. All that glitters isn’t gold indeed!
B: Is Huffman competing with fellow Housewife Longoria for the title of “Most Glitter Used on a Dress Outside Of a Mariah Concert”? There’s enough glitter there to cover a float at Mardi Gras.
Sparkly dress aside, Huffman’s got a bangin’ bod and she picked the right dress to show it off.
Teri Hatcher
C: Uh-huh, uh-huh … this dress just looks like it’s meant to be worn by an ingénue, not a TV Lestat. It’s just adding more years, honey, and that mind-boggling ruffle in the center is not doing any favors to the soul.
B: Next to the anorexia nervosa poster girls that make up the cast of Beverly Hills 90210, Hatcher, who normally gives Skeletor a run for his money in the skinny category, looks healthy and hale. Unfortunately, the dress just isn’t doing it for me.
Tina Fey
C: 30 Rot.
B: Practice should make perfect for the 30 Rock star, who just scored an Emmy but she just can’t get it right. Fey is slumming it in this blah, strapless dress that looks like it was recycled from Jen Aniston’s reject pile. You’re in the big leagues now, honey. Buy yourself a stylist.
Sandra Oh
C: You see, another movie person! This dress is awesome; one of my favorites, in fact! It’s sleek and interesting without suffocating elegance. Well done!
B: Oh, no, she didn’t! This frothy black frock’s on the fashion police’s chopping block, but I happen to like the Grey’s Anatomy star’s attempt at Old Hollywood glamour. Works for me.
Glenn Close
C: She wins because she’s also a movie vet. She knows the red carpet like her monologue in Dangerous Liaisons. Love it.
B: The woman can do no wrong in my book. Even if the shawl screams, “Memaw went to mass,” the cool shades totally make up for it.
Alyssa Milano
C: Who’s the boss now? This ain’t no power gown, sister. It belongs in a Toto Karaoke video.
B: Did Alyssa just pull a Bjork? Or did the press-savvy actress don this ho-rrific number just to garner some media mileage? Is the Pussycat Dolls’ stylist taking on new clients? Are Robin Antin and Nicole Scherzinger lending out their ensembles now? Too many questions, too little time.
Eva Longoria
C: Oh, Eva! You never fail us with your tacky sense of style. Even if you’re so desperately trying to tell us that you’re doing the laid-back short cocktail dress look for the red carpet. Because? You’re too good for the red carpet? The frisson of bad trends comes alive in this small but sour package.
B: Is it just me or does the Desperate Housewife automatically gravitate towards anything that’s shiny and short? It’s like she flips through a copy of InStyle and picks out anything that combines at least three of the latest trends. In this case: a shiny bow-embellished, strapless, fringe dress. And you know what? I kind of like it. Longoria isn’t afraid to channel her inner — or in this case, outer — Vegas showgirl each time she hits the red carpet. It’s kind of endearing, actually. Color me a softy but I think no primetime event is complete without Longoria breaking out the glitter and fringe.