Nude and improved

What better way to celebrate 100 years of academic freedom than painting naked people?

I was under the impression that our iskolars ng bayan would be deadma to acts of exhibit-ionism by now (or in the words of my University of the Philippines officemate — the iskolars are “unfazed by nudity”). Not only do they have a big naked man with outstretched arms and a conspicuous fig leaf welcoming them to campus, but they also have the Oblation Run — a yearly fig-leaf free event that has turned streaking into an institution in this country. At this rate, you would think that UP should be a clothing-optional campus by now. 

But at the state university, nude can never have enough. Why have only one naked person on the campus when you can have one hundred? So, to give the Oblation some company, the UP Alumni Association hatched “100 Nudes, 100 years,” a first-of-its-kind art exhibit featuring UP’s acclaimed artists side-by-side with current art students. Of course, like most men, my interest in this paragraph ended with the word “nude.” 

Much to the belated dismay of the organizers, I was invited to the Mandarin Oriental Suites, Gateway Mall, Araneta Center to cover the culmination of their hubad exhibit which was a nude painting and sketching session. (To the organizers, thank you again for your invitation and, more importantly, thank you for not pressing charges.) Naturally, I was drawn to a nude session much like a congressman is drawn to his pork barrel.    

However, I am sorry to disappoint all the D.O.M.s who want me to give a blow-by-blow photo commentary and stream live videos of the nude painting and sketching session. My wife only allowed me to attend the session if I was pumped full of tranquilizers, had my wrists strapped behind my back, and was placed under the constant supervision of my yaya. “And remember, Sweetheart,” she reminded me. “No jokes about body painting the nude model or else I will skewer you with paintbrushes.” But despite her initial hesitation, I was able to explain to my wife that I was attending the nude painting session for a higher purpose: I was there to audition as the next Oblation model. 

Unfortunately, even when I offered my body up at the nude sketching session, the artists offered it back to me. They said that some things were better left to the imagination. Not wanting my body to go to waste, I offered it again — for art’s sake — to the president of the UP Alumni Association (UPAA), Atty. Gari Tiongco.

Naked Truth

RJ LEDESMA (a.k.a. Katawan, katawan, katawan, katawan, wooooaahhhhh, katawan): Atty. Tiongco, how exactly did the UPAA come up with the idea of celebrating nudity for UP’s centennial? Not that I’m complaining. Any event that features nudity is a celebration for me and my three female readers.

ATTY. GARI TIONGCO (a.k.a. King of Katawan): We find that the most perfect art is the human body.

And I hear its makes for a pretty great canvas as well. 

So we got both male and female models for the sketching session. 

Wait!? There are male models here too!? Atty. Tiongco, you might want to announce that fact over the loudspeakers so that we can quickly clear the Mandarin suites of D.O.M.s.

(Sighs) And UP is known for the Oblation. Its nakedness signifies the search for truth. It signifies truth without any reservation. It signifies truth without any extra baggage. 

I wish our administration were just as naked. Again, just so that I can tell my wife and she’ll let me loosen my chastity belt, there are both female models and male models in the session?

Yes, there are about 30 artists doing the sketching. If you enter the room, it’s a very serious affair. It’s actually my first time to be in a sketching session, and it was practically like a cathedral, nobody talks with each other. They are so busy looking at the work of art, which is the human body. 

Oh, so it’s the same kind of not talking that you do while you are inside the men’s room and busy looking at your own work of art?

Start Spreading The Nudes

Atty. Tiongco, I am just curious: how exactly did you get volunteers to pose nude? Is there a place where we can visit to view the models at their truest? And can we kindly have the address? 

No, no, we didn’t need to. When they know that the purpose of this endeavor is to showcase the best works of art of UP graduates, people practically volunteer to become a model.

But I didn’t get to volunteer! So where did you find these people?  

Several of them are from UP. We got the permission from their parents and we got the permission from their deans to appear as models. 

That must have been an interesting conversation you had with the parents. (RJ’s thoughts: “Hey, we think your daughter looks great nude. Do you think she could pose for about two hours in front of about 30 artists and dozens of mediamen?”) Were there auditions to pose nude? How rigorous was it? And how do you become part of the evaluation team?

There was no audition. As long as they were well-endowed, I guess that’s all. 

Really? Well-endowed? Then I would have been perfect (RJ mumbles: Yaya, tahimik ka lang diyan)! So this was the case for both the male and female models?

I don’t think you can show anybody if they are not well-endowed. 

That is a well-thought-out and stringent criteria, Atty. Tiongco. Since they did this session for the sake of ang UP naming mahal, what sort of benefit do they get in return aside from having their youthful robustness immortalized on canvas? 

Well, they get appreciated by the people who know what is beautiful. That is the intangible benefit that they get. 

That is a pretty tangible benefit to me. Did the volunteers have any other criteria aside from the ability to shed their inhibitions and their underwear? Did the have to be good-looking? Did they have to have well-defined musculature?  Did they have to have symmetrical body parts? 

It helps if you are good-looking (giggles). It should be one of the criteria for modeling nude.

Was there any sort of standard that you were measuring the models against? Skin quality? Firmness? Cup size? 

No, no, no, no. There was no preview as to what should be appreciated.

Wow, so what you get is what you haven’t seen?

Especially for the male. You cannot inspect to see if he is well-endowed or not.

I also wouldn’t want to inspect if he is well-endowed or not. So, was posing for this session more or less pro bono work? Don’t they even get a gift certificate? A handshake? A peck on the cheek?

Yes, yes, this is pro bono work. This is a feeling of satisfaction that you’ve got a perfect body. A body that everyone sees as a piece of art.

Speaking of art, Atty. Tiongco, since you are looking at me right now, do you think I would pass for a nude model as well? Not knowing or course whether or not I am well-endowed?

I will trust that if you want to be a model, you should be well-endowed. Otherwise, you will be embarrassed. 

Embarrassment has become a theoretical concept for me. Do you have any tips for aspiring nude models like myself?

Hmm, I guess you should know if your body is a work of art. If you think so, and you are perfectly endowed, I don’t see why not.

I will have to work on the “perfect endowment” part.

The Few And The Nude

As part of the centennial celebration, I understand the UP Alumni Association published a book also called 100 Nudes, 100 Years. How did you choose which artists would contribute to the commemorative book? I can draw some realistic-looking naked stick figures.

This is actually the works of art of several generations, the fresh graduates, the older ones, the renowned artists and the national artists. We asked for contributions from these artists for the book and we were overwhelmed by the reaction. And we compiled them in the coffeetable book so it will be immortalized for the next 100 years.

It is comforting to know that I can leaf though pages of naked women together with my grandson. Atty. Tiongco, where will the proceeds from the sales of the book go?

It will go the UP Alumni fund. It goes to our scholarship fund and to whatever projects UP has, like our reunions, the library fund…

And hopefully to more nude painting sessions as well.

And also to more nude painting sessions as well! That’s right. This is the first time that this session has ever happened and we plan to do it every year. 

On behalf of the No Girlfriend Since Birth (NGSB) fraternity currently incarcerated in different parts of the country, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And we hope to bring this exhibit of our nudes to the masses like here in the mall, where it is accessible to all. So that they will know that UP is a good resource of human talent. 

And of human bodies as well.

(Sighs) And of human bodies as well.

* * *

Next column: Nude, nude, my world is nude: In-depth and close-up interviews with the nude artists, the nude female model, the nude male model (reluctantly) and… the nude talent manager!?

For comments, suggestions or if you would like to send me your nude picture, text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com.

There are less than 400 copies of 100 Nudes, 100 Years left. The book is available at the UPAA Bahay ng Alumni, UP Diliman Campus.  Contact Elna at (0918)916-5680. Proceeds from the book will go the UP’s art education and development program. Thankfully, none of my stick figures appear in the book.