The Man Code
February 14, 2007 | 12:00am
Getting long in the tooth may also mean growing fangs, accessories that don’t go hunky-dory with social situations. Those incisors might just bare themselves in a crowd.
En masse sessions like a Lovapalooza kissfest could result in agoraphobia, a step towards vampirism.
Besides, when one gets increasingly jaded, he tries to hold on to notions of masculinity that don’t allow any shake-up for the status quo.
Old boys will be old boys, at the end of the day. All things PC or anything considered similarly effete go out the window, even that sissy idea of Valentine’s Day.
Vive le difference! Never the twain shall meet. No blurring of genders now. Here’s something that was passed on to us, possibly after an Iron John weekend, if only via the Internet.
It’s called "The Man Code."
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be... The Code:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to say "Bullshit!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex," you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem  you didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach... and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel... and it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whompin‘," then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him  too gay.
That’s it. That’s "The Man Code," for now. We can add more zingers as we do the years.
For now, pardon the macho pose and seeming "misogayny." But for us baby boom-boomers raised on Prince Valiant, a Happy Val to Val alone.
En masse sessions like a Lovapalooza kissfest could result in agoraphobia, a step towards vampirism.
Besides, when one gets increasingly jaded, he tries to hold on to notions of masculinity that don’t allow any shake-up for the status quo.
Old boys will be old boys, at the end of the day. All things PC or anything considered similarly effete go out the window, even that sissy idea of Valentine’s Day.
Vive le difference! Never the twain shall meet. No blurring of genders now. Here’s something that was passed on to us, possibly after an Iron John weekend, if only via the Internet.
It’s called "The Man Code."
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be... The Code:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to say "Bullshit!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex," you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem  you didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach... and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel... and it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whompin‘," then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him  too gay.
That’s it. That’s "The Man Code," for now. We can add more zingers as we do the years.
For now, pardon the macho pose and seeming "misogayny." But for us baby boom-boomers raised on Prince Valiant, a Happy Val to Val alone.
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