According to the book Flirting 101 (yes, some of us just have too much time on our hands), our bodies send out more messages than prepaid subscribers on an unlimited text plan. But unlike unlimited text plan holders, the body never sends out to its whole contact list cheesy, inspirational messages that you are supposed to forward to 10 other people unless you want to wake up in the morning with a third nipple. The body deliberately sends out body-language messages, but like domestic airport security, we just can’t seem to identify the most explosive messages.
But once men understand how to read female body language, figuring out women will be easier than figuring out who is masterminding the Charter change initiative. On the other hand, women are probably better off not knowing what messages are being sent out by those strangely disturbing male breasts. After all, 55 percent of what human beings communicate comes through body language, 38 percent comes from the tone and speed of their voice and only seven percent comes from what we say. So, think about it: if men use a really classic opening line on women, like "Nice shoes, wanna %$#^?" (I said classic, not classy), we still have the privilege of disavowing what we said because we only meant seven percent of it. But if a woman could read everything that we had to "say," then all men who are old enough to have armpit hair would probably be stuffed in oil drums and placed onboard the MT Solar I oil tanker.
Female body language is a tad more explicit than male body language, according to Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, because women’s bodies evolved as a permanent, portable sexual signaling system purposely built to attract male attention. Meanwhile, men’s bodies purposely evolved into beer receptacles and, for those cursed with bad karma, temporary surfaces for forehead hair. Therefore, the following female body language signals stop short of woman exposing herself to a man to let her know that she sees him as more than just a beer receptacle. But knowing men, women may just have to expose themselves anyway (Not that the men would complain).
Bag-bag-an na! (a.k.a. Handbag in Close Proximity). Much like the results of a pregnancy test, single men fear to look at the contents of a woman’s handbag. Most men are even too phobic to touch her handbag lest the woman mangle his hand with her bare teeth. This is because a woman’s handbag is not only meant to develop her upper-arm strength, but it is also treated by her almost like another body part. And if she finds the man that she is with more tolerable than PMS, she may place her handbag close to him. If she finds him more tolerable than the first day of her period, she may slowly fondle and caress her handbag. And if she regards him as somebody whom she would like to stick around even when she is ovulating, she may ask him to pass her handbag or even retrieve something from her handbag. When this occurs, men should be able to hear the voice of referee Big John McCarthy of the UFC yodeling "Let’s get it ooon!!"
Click-O-Meter: Plus five clicks if she asks you to retrieve something from her handbag. Minus five clicks if she asks you to retrieve a pepper spray and asks you to apply it on yourself. Plus 10 clicks if she leaves the handbag with you. Minus 20 clicks if she leaves the handbag with you because it contains a homemade bomb. If you think that her handbag goes well with your shoes, I don’t think you’re reading the right column.
Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows (a.k.a. Rolling Hips). For childbearing reasons, women have wider hips than men and also have a wider crotch gap between the legs. This means that when a woman sashays across a room she has an accentuated roll that highlights her pelvic region. The movement, more commonly known as "wiggling them buns," is a subtle female courtship gesture that often leaves a puddle of drool from men who have enjoyed her impromptu performance. And try as they might, men cannot seem to walk in this fashion unless their nether regions are swollen after being hit repeatedly by a handbag.
Click-O-Meter: Plus one click if you see the woman rolling towards you. Minus two clicks if the woman is rolling away from you. Minus five clicks if she rolls all over you. Plus five if you enjoy being rolled over a by a rampaging pair of buns.
We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time (a.k.a Sideways Glance Over Raised Shoulder). When a woman glances at you over her raised shoulder, this is self-mimicry (when you fake one body part for another body part) of the rounded female breasts (in other words, it’s like faking it without silicone). With partially drooped eyelids, the woman ensnares a man’s gaze long enough for him to notice her, and then she cruelly and elusively looks away. This action produces the feeling of being peeped at by the woman who glances over her shoulder, and simultaneously produces the feeling of being a voyeur for men who break beer bottles over their heads after a woman flashes them. Men, if you get this glance, be comforted in the fact that she is almost flashing you. But please, for the love of God and public decency, do not flash her back.
Click-O-Meter: Plus five clicks if she looks at you longer than five counts. Minus two clicks if you realize she was looking for the ladies’ room. Minus five clicks if she was looking over her shoulder to see if there was dandruff. Minus 15 clicks if she flashes you her middle finger.
Leeeps to leeeeps (a.k.a. Wet Lips and Pouting, Mouth Slightly Open). When a male turns old enough to enjoy porn, his facial bone structure will alter dramatically as testosterone carves out a stronger, protruding jaw line, a larger nose and more pronounced cheekbones – all the essential protection his face needs during encounters with animals, enemies and 40-pound handbags. However, a girl’s bone structure remains largely unchanged and child-like with subcutaneous fat, which makes her face appear thicker and fuller, particularly in the lips. Puberty makes her lips look larger and thicker, turning her lips into a potent sign of female reproductive health because of their contrast in size to male lips. Some women even inject enough collagen into their lips to not only make themselves more appealing to men but also to migratory birds who might mistake her lips for a nesting site. The lips can be made to appear more inviting if they are wet either through the use of saliva or lip gloss. I often get this type of "slobbering wet lips" reaction, especially from my dog Tofu who gives me that look right before he takes advantage of my leg. Hey, at least someone’s coming on to me.
Apparently, red lips also represent something else that is really, really red as well, and I’m not talking about red lipstick. According to ethologist Desmond Morris, author of the book Naked Ape, red, red lips are another form of self-mimicry for another set of body parts. I would like to elaborate on this point further but am worried that I will be gleefully flogged by my parish priest if he reads it.
Click-O-Meter: Plus 10 clicks if she pouts at you (because pouting increases the lip display). Plus 25 clicks if she starts puckering up for a kiss. Minus 10 clicks if those blood-red lips are your own after she gives you a stiff upper cut in the kisser. Minus 100 clicks if you ask her what other body part she is mimicking.
However, you will never really know if a woman is using her arsenal of flirting signals on you unless you approach her. And remember, the best time to approach a woman is when she is ovulating, because she is most receptive to male interaction at this point. Don’t worry, the only thing you will have to worry about after the encounter is the loss of several limbs.
So, if you approach her and use a classic pickup line like "Nice shoes, wanna ^&%$?" and she drops her eyelids, tilts her head down and to the side, looks away, covers her face with her hands, giggles nervously as she retreats behind her palms, and then throws her drink at you – she is probably ovulating. But if you approach her before you can even try your classic pickup line, and she says "Zip it!" then gargles lighter fluid and spits flame at you, breaks her glass on the bar table and uses the broken shards to etch her name on your face as a reminder to never approach her again, then she is probably having her period. God save you if she has dysmenorrhea.