Managing grief

Do you ever wonder how most men maintain a picture of dignified restraint even during periods of grief and bereavement? Walk into a wake or a funeral and you are likely to find a grieving widower or the son of the departed, melancholy at most, his head downcast, with clenched fists or maybe with hands in the pockets, but never irrational and in the throes of pain. Such displays – like begging to be cast into the burial pit with the body – are reserved strictly for female members of the family. The men mostly just stare at their feet, or blankly into space, shedding a tear or two, or three, if and when their energies are not concentrated on physically preventing the recent widow from leaping into the grave.

Some men have been adjudged great by history for glorifying the memories of their dead spouses by embarking on grand and noble albeit financially draining projects, in memoriam. Such men have been moved to heights by their grief. The Mughal Emperor of India, Shah Jahan, built the Taj Mahal during the 17th century for his departed wife, Queen Mumtaz Mahal. The Taj Mahal is a marble mausoleum that houses the grave of the queen at the lower chamber. It took 20,000 workers and all of 22 years to complete. Baseball great Joe Dimaggio sent half a dozen red roses to the grave of his ex-wife, Marilyn Monroe, after she died on August 5, 1962, three times a week for 20 years.

But the rest of the world’s male population lack the extraordinary resources needed to transform their grief into energy for grandiose undertakings. When men find themselves in situations less tragic than the loss of a loved one yet still as unsettling in effect – like the breakup of a relationship; the failure of business ventures; mid-life crises; teenage problems; academic pressures; loss of self-confidence; or lack of direction – they deal with their grief in various ways. Some reach for the nearest bottle of liquor to anesthetize themselves. Others resort to taking uncalculated risks like gambling on games of chance and casual coupling for instant gratification. Others still just lose themselves entirely and spend their days in a daze of crippling purposelessness.

Women seem luckier in this respect because society is readily accepting of their outbursts of emotion as expressions of their pain and grief. Men, on the other hand, are either left by themselves to deal with their grief quietly and in isolation or are themselves tentative about reaching out for help. Men and women tend to take different paths to connect with their grief. Women appear more comfortable in simply sharing their grief on a verbal level with their most intimate friends and family. Men, I notice, find it easier to channel their pain outward with an activity rather than by "sharing" it.

Tom Golden, a grief therapist in the US, claims that men must be given active tasks following a loss of any sort in their lives. These tasks become their means to facilitate a connection with their pain. Once the pain is channeled, it can be expressed and therefore released, which brings the bereaved one step closer to healing.

In our culture there are examples of men who use a task or an activity to connect with their emotional pain. In 1991, singer and legendary guitarist Eric Clapton wrote a song called Tears in Heaven about Conor, his four-year-old son who plunged to his death accidentally from the 53rd story window of their New York apartment. Through the strength of his music, Clapton found a way to channel his pain and honor the life and memory of his son. In 1980, Terry Fox, a 21-year-old Canadian whose right leg was amputated a few inches above the knee, ran a marathon on one leg and a metal stump to raise funds for cancer research. After 143 days, he ran over 5,000 kilometers. He died within the next year, soon after the cancer spread to his lungs, but over $400 million has since been raised in his name.

Most grief is healed through ritual. It is crucial for grieving men to engage themselves in a specific productive activity that they enjoy and to incorporate this into their schedule as regularly as possible. This may come in the form of exercise, a sport or a hobby that is beneficial to their well-being.

There are a multitude of other options for men who find themselves, for some reason or other, in search of outside assistance in processing their personal issues. There are counseling services around the city that come highly recommended. There are psychologists and psychiatrists, trained professionals, who are the best at what they do – helping people redirect their energies to fruitful courses of action. Lately, a revolutionary method called Life Coaching has finally made its debut in Manila.

Life Coaching is a phenomenon that has exploded in the modern cities of the world, specifically in countries such as the US and Singapore, because of the positive difference it has brought to the lives of many. A life coach is a psychologist who undergoes additional intensive training specific to the discipline. He or she helps people – men and women of all ages – in transition, who find themselves at a difficult place in their lives. A life coach is a synthesis of different people in one: a mentor who believes in you and helps you set bigger goals for yourself; a manager who breaks down these goals into easily achievable targets; a personal trainer who will keep you motivated; and a sports coach who will hone your skills to improve your game.

A life coach works one-to-one with a client over an extended period of time. The work is focused on the client’s needs and is designed to develop new skills, habits and coping mechanisms specific to the result the client had initially set out to achieve. Life coaches work with clients within a proprietary three-month coaching structure for an hour and a half each week. In between sessions, the client may call the coach at any time to discuss matters or to seek support.

Every successful athlete and performer today has a coach of some sort. Life coaching is not just another "how-to" course or self-help method. It is a powerful alliance between two people that produces exceptional results.

Michelle Lichauco Tambunting is a life coach par excellence who has set up practice here in Manila. She obtained her B.A. in psychology from Wellesley College in Massachusetts, her M.A. in education at Harvard, Massachusetts and her Intensive Coach Training in Results Coaching Systems in Singapore. You may reach her at 0917-856-8529 or e-mail her at michellelichauco@hotmail.com.

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E-mail the writer at clfortyfied@yahoo.com