Lost in sarcasm

After my column sees print, there are three e-mails I receive like clockwork. The first one comes from my mom, and it usually reads "Anak, I loved your article on (insert title of column here). I am so proud of you. Keep up the good work! But when will you start writing about parties like Johnny Litton?" The second one comes from the office of a congressman that badgers me to write about how efficiently he is spending the taxpayers’ money, such as renaming streets after himself. And the third one is an urgent and (no longer) confidential e-mail from Ms. Kimaeva Lioudmila who represents Diepreye Alamieyeseigha, the Executive Governor of Bayelsa State (the oil state), Nigeria, who promises to transfer enough money to me that will make the government’s missing agricultural funds look like chump change in comparison.

Given this, I am always delighted to receive e-mails other than from these people or from friends whom I treat to lunch so that they can write something positive about me. However, my reaction was quite mixed when I received an e-mail from a reader who took issue with my July 19 article entitled, "Do men really have to look guapo?" (You can view the original article in www.philstar.com Archives, 7/19/06, or at www.rjledesma.com.) The "Reader’s Digest" version of that article is that women prefer big, buff men over big, beer-bellied men when they are ovulating. Apparently, this column did not go over well with this muscularly enhanced reader, who included the names of 20 or so of his best bodybuilding buds in the e-mail that he sent me.

The reader asked that he be given a venue to defend himself and his fellow gym enthusiasts. Thus, in the interests of fair play, I am reprinting his letter verbatim. I have left his e-mail unedited, except for removing his name and the name of his gym.

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To all the Body Builders in the House,

Please see attached file, an article from rj ledesma judging us body builders. If you are a body builder and you want to reply pls click "reply all" so we will know your ideas.

Thank you,

(Name withheld – RJ) on behalf of (Name of gym edited out – RJ) and all the body builders in the world.

Mr. RJ,

Thank you for the article, but give us body builders a chance to defend ourselves you mentioned that we are "BULK UP BY WHEY PROTEIN" you mean we only get big by taking whey protein?! (A truncated version of the paragraph reads "The Pinoy dating scene is positively Darwinian, and I feel like a chimp among gorillas. To further compound our mid-life dating dilemma, we are competing against younger men who are bulked up on whey protein and who have the audacity to wear low-cut jeans and male thongs (don’t they realize how this can public nuisance can psychologically scar little children and straight men?) Your wrong! We get big and strong due to hard work, dedication, determination and self discipline. Not all body builders take whey protein for your information, whey protein is very expensive all of our salaries will be consumed only in whey protein if we bought that. Our alternatives are soya milk which you can buy at sm supermarket for only P50 per liter and taho. Soya is good for your health and has a beneficial anti-cancer content due to its isoflavone which lowers your risk of having prostate cancer. Hehehe. Fish, egg white, kamote, pasta for carbohydrates, cottage cheese et al and of course vegetable salad at wendys and jolibee and dont 4get the chicken.

(His next comment is based on the paragraph that reads: "A strong, athletic body is a sign of good health which indicates a male’s potential to successfully catch food and fight off enemies. Do men still need to be unnecessarily muscle-bound to go after our food? I daresay that, even without exercise, I can easily carry two buckets of KFC in one hand and three bottles of soda in the other.") You mentioned "I daresay that, even w/o exercise i can easily carry 2 buckets of KFC in one hand and 3 bottles of soda in the other" WHHHATTT ??!!! Are you a lady??!! Haha!! Even a 12-year-old boy can do that. We bodybuilders can carry 2 buckets in one hand and 3 bottles of soda in the other, including YOU!

You mentioned "These men of chiseled physique are actually deprived of many modern male conveniences. Can they easily walk into a clothes shop and find something for thier miniscule 28-inch waistline?" We walk into a clothes shop and we do not look for a 28-inch jeans, how can it fit our bulky legs, how can it fit our hard rock butt? Because a 28-inch waist line is a waist of a high school student. Average waist line of a body builder ranges from 31-33 inch for your info. Payat na body builder yun pag beinte otso baywang. Hehehe.

You mentioned "Can they easily drink an entire case of non-lite beer and not feel guilty in the morning!" We can drink non-lite beer and we dont feel guilty about it when we wake up in the morning because we know that we can eliminate that easily by jogging, running, playing basketball and going back to the gym. huuurahh.!!!

You mentioned "Can they easily walk down the streets knowing that they will not be undressed in the eyes of women and gay men? Ha! These men will never enjoy these pleasures!" Who cares if they stare? We’re just passing by.

How about this? Can you enjoy the benefits of being a body builder, having a good body, a good health, healthy lifestyle, increasing your self confidence but not mayabang, increasing your potency, can you date a lady 10 years younger than you? Because we body builders look younger than our true age, can your lady tell you that i feel secured when im with you because your so big and strong nobody will intend to hurt me. I daresay at 32 years old I feel younger and look younger than my age. I can play basketball with young guys half my age.

Don’t you know that many body builders nowadays are very successfull? Look at Arnold S. now a successfull governor of CA. Tiger Woods he’s bench press is 350lbs look at his swing he’s entire pot money is $60 million since he started pro way back 1996. Randy Coutore at 39, 2 time ufc heavy weight champion, 2 time ufc light heavy weight champion, a runner up in recently held eco challenge and many to mention... there is a long list of succesfull bodybuilders. Because we are not just a body builder who flaunt our bodies in front of a mirror we are more than a body builder.

You mentioned "We office drones don’t have the opportunity to spend 3 hours in the gym everyday working on our sixth ab because we are too busy developing carpal tunnel syndrome by fondling our mouse while chugging down MSG laden instant noodle soup for lunch."

Body builders are also an employee who deals with reports, deadlines, meetings, monthly budget who spend long hours in front of the computer fondling our mouse until the wee hours of the morning but we will never develop carpal tunnel syndrome because we have exercise for the wrist (look at our forearms as big as your legs) which you didnt know that it exist. Hehehe. We dont spend 3 hours in the gym everyday because we are not a machine, we also get tired, we just go to gym 3 times a week spending 2 to 3 hours. You said that you eat msg laden noodles for lunch – are you out of your mind you know that it is bad for your health and you still eat it??!! Why dont you eat tuna or egg sandwich if your are too busy to get out for lunch?

You mentioned "Working out in the gym after work, God forbid. Who has time for that when there is a happy hour going on!?" We also attend happy hour but not everyday, we also have some good times once in a while because we have time management. For example, attend happy hour on friday night, take a rest on a saturday then go to gym on sunday so we can elimanate those beer belly. Hehehe. Going to the gym relieved our stress, clear our minds and stimulate our brain which help us in making a tough decision.

So all you fat guys, don’t judge us pls. We don’t have anything against you, we just want to be healthy and live longer in this world. If you want we can be friends we will teach you wellness and longevity and most of all potency.

Have you watched Mel & Joey’s show last 2004? Topic is "KAIBIG-IBIG LALAKING MAKISIG."

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I am now going to work on my potency by lifting a third KFC bucket.

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For comments, suggestions and if you saw Kaibig-ibig Lalaking Makisig, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or mosey on over to www.rjledesma.com. Click on to these: The recently launched Nokia E61 (It’s got Wireless LAN, Bluetooth Wireless connectivity for up to 6 devices, Blackberry Connectivity and its 3G-enabled. Technorgasm! Click to www.nokiaforbusiness.com/apac/e61), The Singleton of Glen Ord 18-year-old single malt whiskey (There is nothing quite like a legal age drink) and the "Celebrity Clean House" bazaar to be held tomorrow at the Eastwood Central Plaza from 10 a.m. to 12 midnight for the benefit of the Multiple Sclerosis Foundation (The organizers are threatening to auction off my used underwear. But you needn’t worry, I only use one side).