Not only do the chuwariwap male gorillas bitch-slap each other for the opportunity to munch on the bald gorilla’s hair lice while grooming his mane. Not only does the bald gorilla get dibs on the bananas that don’t have those icky black spots. But more importantly, he has first pick among all the young fertile female gorillas who shove their butts into his face. Yes, the bald gorilla enjoys all of life’s little pleasures because he has a big head. You see, gorillas evolved anatomically large foreheads to convey their increased status and maturity. But as most of us know, having a big head is not enough. Only the gorillas who lost their forehead hair during puberty were the ones who got the most number of female behinds jammed into their faces. In fact, the chuwariwap gorillas longed to be balder so that they could get more primate booty.
Now, do you see these bald gorillas being made fun of by the chuwariwaps because of their hair-loss "problem"? Do you see the bald gorillas going for hair plugs? Do you see the bald gorillas going for self-esteem counseling? No. But what you do see is the bald ape treating himself to a banana after mating with several hundred females in his tribe, while all the chuwariwap gorillas can do is sigh and watch gorilla porn on Animal Planet.
That being the case, what happened after we were bumped up a few rungs on the evolutionary ladder, lost much of our body hair, stood upright and grew larger testicles? Shouldn’t it stand to reason that thick-browed bald men should be hoarding their inequitable share of evolved Venusians? Shouldn’t it also stand to reason that if gorillas are more gorilla-ish when they lose the mop on top, then men should be more manly when their heads become target practice for pigeons? What’s the obsession with faking it on top when just about everybody else knows that it’s a fake (advice that the current administration should consider)?
For the men who have struck shampoo from their grocery lists (or who have added Lauat’s Hair Saver Shampoo to the list), take heed: baldness means you’ve got more mojo than mild-mannered men. (And no jokes about resembling phallic symbols here, please.) The book Why Men Lie and Why Women Cry tells us that men with fully aerated heads are usually more aggressive and, um, amorous, than men with non-aerated heads. In fact, the bald head serves as a super-male testosterone homing signal that not only stimulates women but also serves to temporarily blind low-flying birds and mosquitoes.
However, if bald men are practically reeking of testosterone, shouldn’t that make them more prone towards aggressive behavior? Particularly towards folically enriched men who make fun of their homing signals? Interestingly enough, men with a full head of hair don’t even want to brawl with bald men. And this is not only because they intuitively know that a bald man high on his own testosterone will probably head-butt him to death. But this is also because men with hair just find the bald man as threatening as administration congressmen filing another impeachment complaint.
Behavioral scientists Muscarella and Cunningham assert that baldness evolved to indicate "enhanced signals of aging" and "social maturity." In effect, baldness signals to other men that the bald man is "advanced in age" – and therefore he is more "respectable" and not "a threat with the ladies." However, the same baldness signal indicates to women that the bald man’s "nurturing behavior" has improved which markedly increases his potential as a "reproductive partner." In other words, while other men are belittling the bald man’s need to place sunblock all over his scalp, he is discreetly scheduling meetings with barely bikini-clad, 70-percent waist-to-hip ratio women who want to practice Kama Sutra poses on him. Three times.
But aside from resembling sex symbols (like the symbols you find posted on restrooms), bald men resemble dollar signs as well. Another set of relationship experts conducted an experiment using images of male heads that were computer-altered to display varying degrees of baldness. Female respondents were then asked to give their first impressions of each of these men in a business setting. The results showed that the balder the man, the more power and success he was perceived to have, and that they would put up less resistance when he enforced his authority. The men with active hair follicles, on the other hand, were thought to be the least powerful and less well paid. Thus, what is the moral lesson here? Gentlebaldmen, do not hide your shining glory underneath that historical relic you call a hairpiece. Remember, you can always look rich without the cash.
In fact, bald men shouldn’t even fret when testosterone-deficient men make fun of that newly cleared patch of real estate on their scalps. Better yet, bald men should make sure that these men ridicule them in front of drool-inducing Venusians. The authors of the book Rude and Politically Incorrect Jokes discovered two things: that only men with a full head of hair crack jokes about baldness and that bald jokes generate a lot of estrogen-fueled sympathy from the lay-deez. And not only were the ladies sympathetic to the bald man’s discomfort over his baldness, but they actually saw his solar panel as a badge of machismo. In fact, Psychology Today claims that hair loss was a bigger concern for men rather than for their female partners. Women were relatively unconcerned over their partner’s rapidly eroding hairline. In fact, they were turned on by the man’s hairless dome, often kissing and stroking it, and then shining it right after. And I do not write this merely for wishful- thinking purposes.
So now that we know that the bald man looks respectable, leaks libido, appears rich, generates sympathy and, to top it all off, uses his full forehead as a hypnotic device to lure all females above voting age, why do some men experience so much anxiety over their impending "social maturity"? And why would they even what to cover up their female homing devices with an artificial life form? It’s a marketing conspiracy, I tell ya. They are hoodwinking the bald man into thinking that baldness is emasculation (or bye-bye to the babes) instead of emancipation (or hello to the honeys). And who is masterminding the conspiracy? The Priory of Sion? The Illuminati? The Arroyo Administration? No. It’s the evolved chuwariwaps. The ones who never got swelling butts shoved into their faces. They want to bring the bald man down. And they are also the ones who own all the hair-replacement centers.
Think about the uneven portrayal of bald men in popular culture. The positive ones – like Jean Luc-Picard, Yoda and Homer Simpson – are either products of science fiction, computer generation or animation (Don’t knock Homer Simpson, anyone who can sleep with a woman who has a blue feather duster for a hairdo is a hero to me). And how about the negative ones? The Emperor. Lex Luthor. Dr. Evil. Why must evil despots and criminal geniuses always be portrayed without hair? Meanwhile, the jury’s still out on Uncle Fester from the Addams Family and Max Brenner the Chocolate Man (those calories could be evil, too, you know). And, in the Philippines, what does it tell us when, aside from Bembol Roco, the most prominent icon for male bald pride that we have is Boy Abunda? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, Kuya Boy. I really love The Buzz. Please call me if you want my headshots.) It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya.
And to make matters worse, there are these shrewd little men who have seen through the baldness conspiracy. These are the posers who are shaving their heads because they want to make up for their lack of testosterone! I have met a couple of these despicable characters. They are magazine editor/TV host/I’m-so-witty-you-will-laugh-your-thongs-off Rovilson Fernandez and my Men’s Room co-host and Ion Sports Drink endorser and you-will-look-like-a-prune-when-you-stand-next-to-me William Devaughn. Haven’t men like these already raided our supply of eligible women even when they had hair? Ladies, don’t be fooled. These men may have V-shaped torsos, penetrating eyes, steel buns and an explosion of chest hair. But that bald head of theirs is as fake as a toupee. That’s why these men prematurely shave their heads: because they want the woman’s sympathy but without the social maturity. Wait your turns, damn it.