Much to the disappointment of 30-situps-a-week men like myself, the book Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes asserts that the number one physical turn-on among females is a man’s athletic body shape. Apparently, the appeal of these men who are cursed with V-shaped bodies is merely a product of outmoded female biological programming: A strong, athletic body is a sign of good health which indicates a male’s potential to successfully catch food and fight off enemies. And whether these pepper spray-wielding little missies realize it or not, all this brawn activates a signal in their heads that stimulate them when assessing suitable partners. So ladies take heed, these muscles may have been stimulating when human beings were still bar chow for saber-toothed tigers. However, of what practical use is incredibly defined musculature nowadays aside from looking good in a body-hugging T-shirt? Do women really want to date men who spend more time ogling their own bodies in front of a full-length mirror? And do men still need to be unnecessarily muscle-bound to go after our food? I daresay that, even without exercise, I can easily carry two buckets of KFC in one hand and three bottles of soda in the other.
If you think about it, these men of chiseled physique are actually deprived of many modern male conveniences. Can they easily walk into a clothes shop and find something for their miniscule 28-inch waistline? Can they easily drink an entire case of non-lite beer and not feel guilty in the morning? Can they easily walk down the streets knowing that they will not be undressed in the eyes of women and gay men? Ha! These men will never enjoy these pleasures! Unfortunately, all these arguments against athletic contours will end up the same as an impeachment complaint once these men flaunt their six-packs.
Unfortunately, we office drones don’t have the opportunity to spend three hours in the gym every day working on our sixth ab because we are too busy developing carpal tunnel syndrome by fondling our mouse while chugging down MSG-laden instant noodle soups for lunch. And since we cannot surgically detach Marc Nelson’s body from his face without facing the wrath of his endorsers, we will have to settle for less violent means to ratchet up our sex appeal among young Venusians. I’m not talking about working out in the gym three times a week after work, God forbid. Who has time for that when there is happy hour going on!? But there is a way to increase our sex appeal where the heaviest thing we have to lift is a stapler. And that is by working on our face — because the face is the first sign of fertility that a women spots. And no, being called a phallic-head doesn’t count.
The cheapest attempt to increase male sex appeal starts off with the much-maligned three-day beard, a.k.a. "I’m just too damn lazy to shave today." The abundance of male hormones results in long-term facial growth. This being the case, the higher a man’s testosterone level on a given day, the faster his facial hair grows. Consequently, a three-day beard serves as a strong indicator of machismo for the female species that a certain male may be a good candidate to help her realize the potential of her child-bearing hips. However, despite the amount of WWE matches and soft porn I watch (to artificially pump up my testosterone levels and not for any other purpose), it takes me nine days to grow a three-day beard. And the three-day nine-day beard I have closely resembles a botched Brazilian wax job.
Thus, if you are like me and cannot generate testosterone where it counts, this is my suggestion: Find an officemate with a non-optional bald head but who sports a beard thick enough to support an ecosystem. Your colleague’s lack of hair up there is merely God’s way with equity: Although his body is loaded with testosterone which allows him to grow a beard, it is the level of testosterone in his body that has made his head a solar panel. You want access to his testosterone but without the corresponding hair loss. Cognizant of this, time your afternoon restroom break with his break. While he is in the middle of relieving himself in a urinal, find an excuse to admire his beard, then use both of your hands to stroke it (his beard) in an unobtrusive, straight-man kind of way. After your colleague leaves the restroom to report you to the Human Resources Department for sexual harassment, promptly lock yourself in a toilet cubicle and then proceed to vigorously rub your hands all over your botched Brazilian wax job of a chin. This is because during midday, your beard-sporting colleague was probably reeking with pheromones — odorless chemicals that the human body emits that serve as sexual attractants to the opposite sex. Hopefully, his pheromones stimulate your facial hair testosterone in a similar manner that female pheromones cause female roommates to synchronize their menstrual cycles. However, if this vigorous rubbing doesn’t work for you, and suddenly a bunch of your horrified male officemates barge into the restroom and submerge you headfirst into a stopped-up toilet, hell, at least it was worth a try. But if your face starts to resemble a werewolf after a few hours, please send me the name of your colleague so we can start patenting his scent for a new body spray.
A little caveat, though: You may not want to work that hard on the three-day beard once you find out that it is only ranked number 11 among female turn-ons (In fact, it is ranked lower than having a large pee-pee. Seriously). So if you are looking to move up a few more rungs in the sex appeal ladder, try beefing up women’s turn-on number 7: A strong nose, chin and brow. According to evolutionary biologist Randy Thornhill of the University of New Mexico, testosterone was responsible for shaping the male face, which was quite important before the advent of McDonald’s when human beings still had to hunt for their own food. Testosterone forced the evolution of the male nose, chin and brow into a shape that would protect a man’s face during fighting and hunting. As a result, females flocked to these alpha males with prominent brows, chins you could hang laundry on and noses that could star in porn movies because they could bring home unprocessed wild boar carcass. (And contrary to what some you with enhanced proboscises may think, the idea equating the size of a man’s nose to the size of his member is as fictional as the 2004 National Elections. The only thing the nose has in common with your little weapon is that they both protrude from the front of the body.)
Now, unlike my earlier suggestion, I do not advise that you stroke your hands against the faces of men who possess these facial features. Aside from the fact that it is biologically impossible to rearrange your facial configuration with somebody else’s testosterone, men with these features have so much testosterone coursing through their system that they can probably rearrange you into hamburger with their bare hands then eat you for protein. And neither do I suggest getting implants for your face, lest you want baldheaded, bearded men drooling at the cleavage of your bobbing silicone-enhanced brow.
My stopgap solution to your lack of facial enhancements would be the use of special effects prosthetics — to make you look more Neanderthal than what you really are. Luckily enough, we have one of the best makeup artists in the world residing in the Philippines. Her name is "Mommy" Cecille Baun, and her magic touch has graced such local thrillers as Tiyanak and Spirit Warriors, international blockbusters like Platoon and Hamburger Hill and the equally memorable Dance of the Dwarves, Horror Safari and The Thirsty Dead. (I actually had her make me up as a devil before for a Halloween party. My girlfriend could hardly tell the difference, though.) So if Mommy Cecille can work wonders for Charlie Sheen, she can probably do the same for you. Or at the very least, she can make you look like a demon zombie dwarf caveman. It might actually be an improvement.
However, if special effects makeup doesn’t you feel like a real man, then you might as well try working on getting a rosy pair of cheeks. If it works for monkeys, it might very well work for you. In a study conducted by Stirling University in the UK, they discovered that females of a common primate, the rhesus macaque, prefer males with red faces. The research team tested pale and red versions via computer monitoring of the faces of 24 wild male rhesus macaques on six female macaques kept in captivity and measured their responses. The females spent a much longer time ogling the red faced-macaques and used gestures such as lip-smacking to show their interest. According to the researchers, the red cheeks indicated high levels of testosterone, which, in turn, implied a healthy immune system and good set of genes.
Corri Waitt, the head author of the study from Stirling University, posited that a rosy glow might also act as a similar cue for humans. "The trick for the female is to pick up the male with good quality genes." Waitt said. And according to Craig Roberts, a biologist at the University of Newcastle: "The difficulty is in what physical trait displays that underlying genetic quality. It seems that red coloration — which is difficult to maintain in poor health — gives an honest reflection of the male’s underlying genes and healthiness."
So, if you are really, really desperate to meet and mate, I suggest that you smear your cheeks with lipstick. Then you just might get lucky with some lonely lip-smacking female rhesus macaques.