Surviving my first mammogram

hy·po·chon·dri·a: The persistent conviction that one is or is likely to become ill, often involving symptoms when illness is neither present nor likely, and persisting despite reassurance and medical evidence to the contrary.

I just spent an evening at the ER of Cardinal Santos hospital, walking in knowing for sure I had urinary tract infection (UTI) and I was right.

By now I’m familiar with four ER’s in the country and one in Manhattan. It’s just been my way of life to feel sick and know that something is wrong with my body.

In fairness to me, I’m not a complete hypochondriac, having had surgery five times (okay, one was plastic surgery for my Mickey Mouse ears, and two were Caesarians, but the last was one a was majorly scary operation I don’t ever want to go through again.)

I’m one of those people who collect hospital bands; I could probably make an artwork out of it.

Sometimes I sound like an old woman counting her ailments.

Ever since a neighbor of mine died at the age of 31, I’ve been thinking of cancer a lot, reading about it, and even communicating with a cancer fighter online.

I never really knew my neighbor. I just used to see her at discos, when they were called discos. At the dentist’s office I read about her in a fashion magazine, how she found out she had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, how she coped with it and thought she would survive.

I still think of her during Christmas, for it was at Misa de Gallo in our village park that I last saw her, still so beautiful and fashionable with a wig under a scarf.

I found out she wrote an article for a website called www.icanserve.com, put up by Filipino women who fought cancer. Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep I read about other people’s lives and tragedies. My doctor used to tell me I was raised in a cocoon. By reading about things I know nothing of, I am out of that cocoon.

The article of Lydia Paredes and her discovery of breast cancer particularly struck me:

"My story started in April of 2003 when I first felt extreme sharp pains in my left breast. I did not think much of it and I attributed it to a symptom of PMS. It went away after about a week. Shortly after that, I noticed a skin indentation in my breast which grew increasingly deeper as the months went by. I was not alarmed but more puzzled.

"In the meantime, I felt the on-and-off pain in my breast but still did not go to a doctor to have it checked. This went on for several months. I finally had a mammogram in July. The results came back which stated that I needed further testing. Again, I did not go to have it checked. By this time, I knew in my heart that there was something wrong but I was too afraid to face it."

Eight months later in November, Lydia was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer and had a lumpectomy. I hope and pray she is fine now.

A Stabbing Pain

Sometime last February, I started to feel a stabbing pain in my left breast which would recur from time to time. For the most part I tried to ignore it, but in August last month I could no longer ignore the pain which would last for five minutes. I felt for phantom lumps which weren’t there.

After rereading Lydia’s article which seemed all too familiar, I decided to see my doctor. Feeling no lumps, she suggested I get an X-ray, mammogram and cardiac clearance.

The X-rays were first. I went to Makati Med for two views of a chest X-ray and was sent home. After two days I got a call to go back for "suspicious infiltrations." I was so down and paranoid, it took a lot of guts to peel my carcass off my bed and go back.

My body is hard to photograph. They had to do three X-rays in the lordotic view. By now I was sure something was wrong. The following day they turned out to be clear.

A couple of days later was the mammogram. Before the scheduled date, I consulted with a few women who told me their experiences, how super painful it is, how they pull your breasts and press them into pancakes. Thank God I am built like a pancake. I went in for four views and felt no pain.

I waited in the breast clinic for the signal to go home. Instead I was called for two more views of the left breast. So I went in, out and waited. When they called me for a third view, I started to cry. I told the technician I was scared but like most technicians, she was, well, technical.

I went in and out and waited. By now I was dying to get out. I was praying my chaplet when the nurse came back and said I now needed a sonomammogram! That was when I was sure I had cancer. I asked permission to step out for a while, and from the fifth floor, I ran all the way up to the ninth floor of Makati Med, in search of my friend Father David.

I found him at the rectory, where we talked about the possibility of cancer. He told me about a 22-year-old girl who had just had a mastectomy. He heard my confession and even gave me anointing of the sick.

At last I went back for the sonomammogram prepared for the worst. Again, the doctor conducting the scan was very technical (read: scary). I tried to get some clues by asking lame questions, but she gave only formulaic answers.

After the procedure I knew I couldn’t survive the next 48 hours without a clue, so before leaving I asked her, "What should I be thinking?"

"Well, there was nothing unusual in the ultrasound," she muttered.

"What about the mammogram?"

"We’ll be comparing those to the pictures I took in here. Your doctor’s office will get the result."

I spent the next days and nights in agony thinking what if, what if…

Three days later on September 8th, I got a text message from my dear tita reminding me to go to Mass on Mama Mary’s birthday. I took it as a good sign to face the truth and call my doctor.

With my sweaty hands and pounding heart, I dialed the number and got her secretary.

"The mammograms are clear," she said.

"You mean I’m okay?"

"Yes, ma’am."

I went to Mass that evening vowing again to change my life.

For now the cardiac tests can wait. I just need to breathe for a while.

(P.S. I’d like to say sorry to all the kind people I bothered during my agony. Thank you all for bearing with me.)