You can't loan money without getting repaid

Dear Nanay,

We have a supplier who resigned from her job and asked for help. We are not close. We just talk about business and nothing more. We talk only twice a year. She asked for help and said she needed P3,500. I told her to give me time to think and I would call her the next day. I prayed and asked God for wisdom. God knows that I need money also. My debts are piling up. But since she needed money and I know how she feels, I lent her the money. It felt good on my part. She promised to pay me this September. But to be honest I am not expecting her to pay me because I have been duped many times already. But after a week, she asked for money again. I didn’t lend her this time and I told her about my problems and I don’t know where to get our running capital. I have no intention of telling her but I have to be honest with her also. Most of the people who borrow money always tell me that “wala na silang ibang malapitan.” I am the one suffering always because there are times that I don’t know how to say no to them. Did I do the right thing? 

Mitchie

Dear Mitchie,

I realize that charity is good but you cannot keep lending money out without getting repaid. Parang hindi na tama iyon. (That doesn’t seem right.) I also realize that it is often very difficult to say no. But in this case, I think you just have to learn how to say no. Otherwise, ikaw din ang kawawa (you are the one who suffers) and if your business suffers, then even more people might be affected because they might lose their jobs.

If that person was really sincere about repaying you but honestly did not have the money, she could offer to repay you in many other ways. She can work for you for free. She can run errands for you. She can even do your laundry if she has to. There will always be ways for her to repay you even if it is not in cash as long as she is sincere.

If you really want to give to charity, there are many places you can give where you can be sure that the money will be put to good use. Why give it to someone and you are not even sure where the money goes?

Sincerely,

Nanay

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Correcting a Wrong with Another Wrong

Dear Nanay,

My husband had an affair seven years ago. It began when I was carrying our third child. It was so blatant and painful. I have always been very, very much in love with him and I never believed he was the kind of man who would be unfaithful to me.

Two years after his affair, a man came into my life who rekindled feelings in me that had been dormant. He is married, too, with three kids. He was polite and cordial when we were introduced to each other so I didn’t see romance coming. Five months after that, he suddenly called to ask how life had been for me and to tell me that he couldn’t bear suppressing his feelings for me the first time we met. He would send text messages almost every day. It made me feel good to realize how desirable I am to him. I don’t know how, but it happened — I had an affair with him.

We would meet once or twice a month for four years. I decided last year not to meet him again because I don’t want to sin anymore. We still communicate with each other but every time he asks me to meet him, I always have alibis on hand. I am afraid I have fallen so deeply for him that I can’t imagine ending this affair. I can’t tell when this will end, but I know it will eventually end.

I find myself thinking about him often and wish I could see him most of the time. I feel so guilty and ashamed of these feelings but nevertheless, they are there. I also blame my husband silently; I realized his unfaithful ways pushed me to give in to being unfaithful, too.

With this situation we are in, is there a realistic chance that we would be able to restore the values and sanctity of our marriage?

Confused Wife

Dear Confused Wife,

You are married. Having an affair is wrong. Having an affair with another married person is even more wrong. Just think about what the wife of your lover is going through. Kung masakit para sa iyo ang ginawa sa iyo ng asawa mo, masakit din para sa kanya ang nangyayari sa iyo at asawa niya. (If you were hurt by what your husband did to you, she, too, is hurting from what’s happening between you and her husband.) You were right in ending the affair.

There may not be much you can do with your feelings inside. But it is what you actually do or not do that really counts. I suggest that you just stop communication with him. Bakit mo pahihirapan ang sarili mo? (Why give yourself a hard time?) Why will you tempt yourself and make it more difficult? Just stop communicating and let it end there.

I also do not think you can blame your husband. Your actions and your choices are your own responsibility. What he did to you was definitely wrong. But you do not correct a wrong with another wrong.

And lastly, your chances of restoring your marriage are entirely up to the two of you. But it has to be an effort from both of you. You cannot do it alone and your husband cannot do it alone. You have to go through it together. Maybe you can get some marriage counseling or talk to your parish priest. They might be able to help you work out some of your problems.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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