The Philippines' closing-out sale
It’s the biggest sell-out deal in history! The largest rummage sale in the world! The mother of all bargain sales! Everything must go! Buyers, collectors, bidders are welcome. Even looters, felons, shoplifters, shopaholics, fetishists and garbage collectors are appreciated! You can purchase individually, in bulk, wholesale or retail, via credit card, at zero-percent interest, or through installments. Come and get them on any terms you wish. Huge discounts available, everything is negotiable! You can take them all for free! Heck, we’ll even pay you just to take them off our hands. Absolutely no charge for delivery! And if you take them before May 10, 2010, there will be a bonus plus instant prizes!
The following items are for takeout:
1. 174 Con-assers, also known as Tong-gressmen: Recently performed the railroad-House-Resolution-No.1109 trick. Absolutely housebroken and well-trained. Will do exactly what the Mistress will ask them to do. Make excellent pets for tyrants and dictators. Will not pee without permission. When asked to jump from a building, will first inquire, “From which story?” Need very little coddling. Respond quickly to cash incentives. Opening bid: P20 million or less.
2. 13 Supreme Court justices’ black robes with matching gavels: These are supposed to be worn by the newly minted Arroyo appointees to the bench. However, the robes are curiously ill-fitting and the gavels pound by themselves, handing down decisions activated long-distance from Malacañang. Only one black robe seems to fit, that of Supreme Court Chief Justice Reynato Puno. Palace plotters have unsuccessfully attempted to disrobe CJ Puno, perhaps to examine why the robe fits only him, but all the usual patented harassment tactics have failed. CJ Puno’s one robe is the only one not for sale. All other black robes for sale: Legalize the Con-ass, for starters.
3. Newly renovated Malacañang Palace: Incumbent residents assumed their term would be extended, hence the no-expenses-spared makeover. The good news is, the décor can be undone to the taste of the new owners and the space can be exorcised with holy water, incense and prayers. The bad news is this is a buy-one-take-all offer. The purchaser must also get rid of all Palace cronies, sycophants, factotums, lackeys and gofers, known to have the survival powers akin to the cockroach. The strongest pesticide might be required. Price negotiable.
4. The Comelec’s electronic voting paraphernalia: Literally hot from a wire that short-circuited, the last and only bidder left standing, Smartmatic International-Total Information Management Corporation, was awarded the contract by default as all the other bidders were eliminated for one reason or another. In a 12-hour demo run, smoke came out of a (PCOS) precinct count optical scan machine. This was hastily explained away as the wrong cable used. Other alleged discrepancies in the testing of the electronic voting and counting machines make it easier and more convenient to stage large-scale cheating that would make the dagdag-bawas seem penny ante. All these concerns plus the nebulous election rules can further pave the way for the failure of the polls. This offer also comes with a warehouse full of dusty, obsolete, never-used counting machines worth billions acquired under dubious circumstances during the term of former Comelec chairman Benjamin Abalos. Opening bid: P11.3 billion exclusive of commissions.
5. The old guessing game: Who’s the real opposition? This vintage sport is a classic. Visibly cracked and oozing with self-interest, this bunch of game characters takes no prisoners in their fight to the finish line of the presidential contest. One metes out money like it was going out of style. Another one denies his elitist roots with tear-jerking antics. A convicted ex-president still dreams of getting back his seat. Meanwhile, the larger view is completely ignored. Never mind that the infighting gives the administration added advantage. Never mind that too many candidates will split the vote. Never mind a real recovery program for a sick country. Opening bid: Enough!
6. Pampanga, home of tocino and ex-presidents with dreams of becoming Prime Minister: Proving beyond a doubt that nine years is not enough, the longest-sitting post-Marcos president is still contemplating the many ways back to the halls of power. Taking many unannounced, media-less trips to a far-flung Pampanga district, election watchers shudder at the thought of another Arroyo in Congress, this one the mother of all Arroyos already entrenched in the Lower House that is poised to declare itself a Con ASS. Game plan 1-A (as there is a long list of Arroyos- in-perpetuity strategies) is to run for Congress/Con Ass, change to a parliamentary system and re-emerge as Prime Minister. The only variable is the ex-priest Among Ed, who should not take his eyes off the ball and thwart Plan 1-A. This one is a real value offer: Buy one, take an entire clan for free!
7. Game of the Generals, Version 2: Another mortal game updated for this era. The past already demonstrated Marcos’s generals moves to keep the dictator in power and feast off the crumbs thrown to them. The new version is reminiscent of the Old Guard, avatars from the class of ’78. They are strategically placed, ubiquitous in all government positions including diplomatic posts. Name it, they are there. From the Executive Secretary post, to LTO, Brunei, to name a few! They are well cared for, stoked to keep any thoughts of disloyalty at bay. Meanwhile, down at the camps, the restive foot soldiers and remaining few officers keep entertaining fantasies of toppling the government filled with ex-gens, and then installing, not the civilian council they were originally proposing, but a military junta. This war between the old and new generals will provide hours of mindless entertainment. Sharpens the devious mind. Price: Subject to the highest bidder.
8. The not-so-civil society, not-so-holy Church and not-so-red Reds: This is a very special, limited-edition collectors’ item. Fractious, sometimes KSP (kulang sa pansin), given to self-righteous arrogance, this uneasy alliance comes together or snubs one another depending on the occasion. They quibble over the color of banners, their position in the rally, the number of minutes they can speak, who their speaker will be, who sits besides whom, and other trifling issues. As a result, they cancel each other out and lose leverage. The mission — that of keeping the government on a tight leash — is overlooked because of these distractions. Red tag sale: 80 percent off, giving a fresh start to the remaining 20 percent who are truly transformational in mind and heart.
9. The transactional electorate: Trapos who still resort to vote-buying as their primary winning strategy and bribe local leaders with the fodder for the vote-selling herd should be given away with much relief! These are the same Filipinos who will turn in their grandmother for a paltry sum. They will sell their souls to whoever opens their wallets. They are fit for junk.
10. One hardly used Chief Executive conscience: Must be handled with extreme care as it is fragile from disuse. May disintegrate when exposed to sunlight or brought too close to a Church or any blessed place. Can be exhibited with other curio articles such as Idi Amin’s innards, Pol Pot’s testicles or Hitler’s human skin lamp. This item has remained cold and stoic through plunder, massive graft and corruption, and the systematic rape of democratic institutions. Donated for scientific study.
Imagine how the country would be if we only got rid of these items for sale and have the benefit of a thorough spring cleaning. What new dawn awaits us! There is hope for a country that unloads its inventory of defective products, practices and values. Better a closing-out sale on moral bankruptcy. Clean out the shelves of these toxic items. The only other option to get the rot out is to raze everything to the ground so that a new, untainted breed might sprout again.
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Contact the author at e-mail: yoly.ong@gmail.com.
