What defines you?

Every so often, a movie comes along with a great, memorable line or bit of dialogue that eventually becomes part of pop culture.   And whenever you quote the line at a party or a gathering, the people who hear it will immediately blurt out the title of the movie from whence the line came.  Recently, I was giving a talk about leadership and towards the end of the session, I said, “In conclusion, I’d like to quote a very famous man who once said, ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’”   The faces in the audience immediately lighted up and they all shouted in unison, “Spider-man!”   I smiled and said, “Uh ... not quite. But you’re close.  It was actually Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben who said it.  But I’ll let you get away with it.”  The audience laughed.

And then one time, I was kidding around with a client who was asking for a favor.  When she asked me if I could help her out, I told her, “No problemo.  You got me at hello.”   My client laughed and immediately said, “Ha, ha!  Jerry Maguire!”   I said to her, “Well ... not really.  It was actually Renee Zellweger’s character, Dorothy Boyd, who said it.  But that’s okay … close enough!” 

I don’t know what it is, but there is something about strong and powerful movie lines that seems to captivate all of us. I guess deep inside, we all wish we were the ones who came up with the famous quote — or that we could have that one special moment in our lives where we could actually blurt out a line for the first time (and not quote it from a movie).  Personally, I sometimes wish that I proposed to my wife with powerful lines like, “You complete me” (Jerry Maguire) or  “How about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie … for as long as we both shall live?” (You’ve Got Mail), or “Yo, Adrian! I did it!” (Rocky 2).  Sometimes, when giving my staff a pep talk, I wish I could come up with awe-inspiring, hair-raising lines like “Seize the day!”  (Dead Poets Society), or  “May the force be with you”  (Star Wars), or “Do not say ‘try.’  Do … or do not.  There is no try.”  (Return of the Jedi).  And sometimes, when someone really ticks me off, I wish I could come up with a really nice closing remark like, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” (Gone with the Wind) or “You are nothing but a second-rate, trying-hard copycat!” (Bituing Walang Ningning). 

But such is life.  The best lines in the world are usually thought of — and scripted — then placed in nice political speeches, books, or movies.  Rarely do quotable quotes come out of everyday talk.  Like the line,  “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”  That certainly wasn’t spontaneous. And that’s okay. Because sometimes, we are only able to absorb the greatest, most inspiring lines when we are in a listening, absorbing mode.  And that normally happens when we watch movies, read books, or when we listen to speeches (well, some speeches anyway — like those of Barack Obama). 

Thus, when I watch movies, I don’t care much about the digital effects and the stereo surround sound.  I care about the dialogue — the lines.  Recently, on my way to Oman for a business trip, I had a chance to sit back and relax and choose from a slew of movies that were available in the in-flight entertainment console (it was a long trip).  I chose to watch a movie entitled Across the Universe, which is a musical inspired by Beatles songs.  I love the Beatles — and Beatles music in general — so I thought I’d turn it on.  It was a mushy love story — a little too mushy for my taste — but it was great because all the Beatles songs (interpreted by the characters in the film) were interwoven in such a way that they created a movie plot out of totally unrelated songs.  The characters were all named after Beatles songs – Max (Maxwell’s Silver Hammer), Lucy (Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds), Prudence (Dear Prudence), Sadie (Sexy Sadie), and Jude (Hey Jude).  And of course, the lyrics of the songs are so powerful.  The Beatles are considered great because of their catchy tunes.  But for me, their legacy is in their words.  It’s their lyrics that captivate my attention.  The song Across the Universe is one of my favorites because I find the lyrics so intoxicating: “Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass, they slip way across the universe / Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing me / Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes, they call me on and on, across the universe / Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box, they tumble blindly as they slip away across the universe.”  Sheer poetry.  Inspiring lyrics are what define John Lennon’s genius.  It’s hard to imagine he’s the same guy who wrote, “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.” 

In a way, the reason I decided to watch Across the Universe was because I thought it would have some interesting dialogue.  And indeed, it did.  There was a portion in the movie where one of the movie’s characters, Jude, was arguing with his father regarding his decision to drop out of school and “explore the word.”  Jude’s best friend, Max, was present during the argument.   The dialogue went something like this:

Father:    Jude, what are you going to do the rest of your life?

Jude:      Why are you so obsessed with what I am going to do?

Father:    Because what you do is what defines who you are!

Jude:      No!  Who I am defines what I do!  Max, what do you think?

Max:      (Pausing for a while to think) Er … umm … I think it’s not so much what you do that defines who you are, but how you do what you do.

When I heard that, I was stunned.  I had to rewind the film and listen to the exchange all over again. It was, as Oprah would define it, an “aha moment.”  And in this day and age of jadedness, skepticism and cynicism, having an “aha” moment should always be cherished.  I was inspired.

I think there is a big nugget of wisdom that we can pick up from that exchange.  Let’s face it, in this world, we are constantly defined by what we do and what we achieve from what we do.  Parents often tell their kids, “Be a doctor,”  “Be a lawyer,” or “Be a nurse” because “yayaman ka.”   In business, when people go to cocktail parties to do a little networking, they often start their conversations with “What do you do?”  or “Where are you connected?”   When we introduce ourselves to someone, it’s always about what we do: “Oh, I am in advertising,” or “Oh, I’m a financial planner.”  And when people talk about other people, they talk about what they’ve achieved from what they do, e.g. “That guy started with a small shop.  Now he’s got 100 stores and is about to go public.”  Or “Wow, that girl was just weaving bags for a hobby and selling to friends. Now she’s a brand!”  Everything is focused on what we do — and all our achievements. 

Yet no one talks about the “how” so much — that is, how we work, how we deal with people in the workplace, how we treat our staff, how we conduct business, how we make a profit honestly.   To me, there’s something not right.  There’s too much emphasis on the “what” and not much emphasis on the “how.” 

I think we should change our mindset.  When we size up people, we shouldn’t be too engrossed in what they are … or what they do.  Rather, we should be more aware of how they do things.  Because it is in knowing the “how” that we truly get to know “what” or “who” a person is.

So, when interviewing someone for a job, don’t be too focused on what the applicant’s CV says.  Rather, be focused on his attitude, how he talks, how he conducts himself. In doing business with someone, check out how the person deals with other people.  Is he the type who blows up all the time?  Is he known to be fair?  Is he reputed to be shrewd?  Does he treat his people with respect and dignity?  Remember, attitude is always better than aptitude.  Which is another way of saying the “how” is better than the “what.”

How about you?  What defines you?  Think about it.   And think hard.  Because you know what? While “how you are” will never be on your resume, it is ultimately what people will measure you by.  Because when we’re all long gone, people won’t talk about what we did.  They’ll talk about how we did things — and how we were to other people.

* * *

Thanks for your letters, folks!  You may e-mail me at rodhnepo@yahoo.com.