Rebel with a cause

Dear Nanay,

I am 26 years old and my problem is that my father is so strict. He still gets mad at me when I come home late and does not allow me to go out with my friends. I could understand this when I was a student but not anymore. I don’t know what to do. Gusto ko magrebelde (I want to rebel) just to have freedom. No matter how I explain it, he doesn’t understand me. Please give me some advice. 

Ingrid

Dear Ingrid,

First of all, huwag kang magrebelde (do not rebel). That will not solve anything. Pang teenager lang iyon. (That’s only for teenagers.) If you want to be treated as an adult, then you have to act like an adult. And mature adults do not solve problems by “making rebelde.”

I think you have to have a heart-to-heart talk with your father. Kausapin mo siya ng masinsinan. (Talk to him honestly.) At huwag mo gawin kapag nagagalit siya sa iyo! (And don’t do it when he’s mad at you!) You are saying that he doesn’t listen to you when you explain, but if the only time you are explaining it to him is when he is angry, eh, talagang walang mangyayari diyan (well, nothing will really happen then). Find a good time to talk to him. Time it when he is in a good mood. And you have to talk to him nicely. Then you can explain that you are already 26 years old, you know right from wrong and you need just a little freedom. Tell him that you appreciate what he is doing but that he won’t always be around to protect you so you have to learn how to fend for yourself. If he is reasonable, I think you can slowly convince him to give you more freedom. Just don’t expect things to change overnight. Be patient and give him some time. If he gives you some freedom, don’t abuse it right away. Show him that you are also mature enough to be trusted and to take care of yourself.

If that doesn’t work, then I think you will need to make an assessment of your life. You might want to consider being independent and living on your own. Of course, your financial independence will be a very big factor in your decision. Can you afford to live on your own? Is it worth the sacrifice? Because obviously you will have to give up some luxuries that you may have today. If you cannot afford it, you may have no choice but to stay in your parents’ house and no matter how unreasonable you think their rules are, if it is their house, you have to follow their rules.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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Nursing Home Blues

Dear Nanay,

My retired father lives with my wife and me here in Vallejo, California. Everything is okay now but I foresee that in a few years my father will get older and my wife and I will not be able to take care of him because we both have to work. Here in the US, many people put their aging parents in a home for the aged, but I’d feel guilty doing that to my father. What else can I do?

Ricky

Dear Ricky,

I can see that you are in quite a difficult situation and it is a good thing you are planning for it as early as now. Being a parent myself, I appreciate your reluctance to put your father in a home for the aged. If I were in his shoes, I would also much prefer to be around my family in my last few years as opposed to in a home with other people I don’t know.

Of course, the easiest solution would be to hire someone to take care of him, although I understand that doing that in the US may be a very expensive proposition. If it is too expensive to hire someone locally, maybe you can bring a yaya or a nurse for him from Manila. I do not know if you can do that or how to do that, but you should look into the possibility.

The other thing you can do is to bring him back to retire here in the Philippines. If you have other relatives here I am sure he will receive better care from them than he would from strangers over there. And it will also definitely be cheaper. Your dollars or his social security benefits will go a long way over here and can probably cover the cost of his care and someone to look after him.

Whatever you end up doing, just remember na iba pa rin yung alaga ng pamilya (it’s different when it’s the family that’s doing the caring).

Sincerely,

Nanay

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